Father

As only you know

It was such a cluster fudge
Babies mother went off and left
in a horrible way
My son gets wind he decides not to
show up with his boyfriend

Should I have expected any differently
Yes
I have my grandchild and other family
who expected happiness

Ohh how sad

Job I guess well done
They were happy

Blessings hurting

Me

i have no clue what your plan is for me
i come to You with everything
and I thank You despite the hard trials
i have come to understand much
and it is minuscule to what my Brother
had to endure
i try to muster up the strength to move forward
a daughter who should be a mother to her daughter
not her her and her
and all the after effects fall on my door step
Father
i never imagined this would have been such
a difficult choice
i have watched my granddaughter
whenever needed
that has been four years just from pregnancy time
i have been on this road with her since seventh grade
You know what my road has been like thus far
it was your plan
every person that ever came in my life
just in passing all Your plan
as i tried to be a responsible person was a hard lesson
at the expense of my loved ones
Sobriety it's a Good thing
i know there will be those who will understand
the magnitude of that statement
therefore
i am blessed to have been an alcoholic
as 20 plus years
and i understand that today is the most
important day
confusion riddles my brain
to have lived a life such as mine
i can't help but wonder
this is all for what
unhappiness is a way of life
have i tried to live happiness
or intent of happiness
that comes in many forms
therefore even if intent of kindness overlooked
because of ones narcissistic personality that
has an addiction problem that caused her to loose the baby
it hurts so badly to hear the baby cry for her mother when
being reared and she will get upset
it won't be her father because he picks her up
and takes her out
Father You know how i feel about thanksgiving
and for her mother pulled
wanting to sleep rather than entertain her child
she left her child for a place to sleep

my eldest beside herself
could not contain herself
and i'm in the room playing with
her and the t.v. turned up

this all your plan
had some limited time to figure
that out
one thing it is her mommy and she wants to play with her

THIS IS WHEN MY ELDEST JUMPED IN
AFTER HEARING ENOUGH BULL TURD THAT WAS
BEING FED TO HER
she tried to contain herself
i know i couldn't
she is so sweet
knowing things were going
she deserves much happiness in her life
she is someone special
blessed by my eldest
we have been through just so much

i pray in Jesus name
Amen
and to all trying to keep me afloat
from my being with the understanding
of happiness
happiness is my goal
me

That I can log on here and return once more to share appreciation for continued thoughts posted,
That life allows a moment, if even just a moment, to be her to give,
That work is doable.....and the blessings its rewards bring to my family is helping us to reclaim our lives,
That pain, although still part of life, is livable,
That love abounds in this place

Appreciatively,
M56

Yup.....another moment I can come say "howdy do!"
Tree, lights, decorations and such up. Last evening my darlin' surprised me with a new snow globe to replace the one accidentally broken by our 25 year old when he was 2. This globe is very much like the other was....a mountain village scene, a train which circles the village then disappears into a tunnel, Santa and sleigh circling overhead....you get the idea. A cool snow globe.
Yup, I feel blessed.
M56

what a surprise
it is something we love also
not a decoration in sight
must do it for Eva and Corissa
have no help
but i know myself
i'll get upset enough
and wind up doing it
that feeling isn't there yet
hoping to feel a twitch
we too love snow globes

Eva, I too have not a decoration in sight, but I have people staying here so that's been my excuse. They will leave tomorrow morning and I am going to drag the big box of all my Xmas decorations out from the junkroom to the living room and dig deep into my reserves to delve into the box repeatedly as I go back n forth getting things out and create a festive scene!
WHAT am I saying....
I'm going to get the big box stored in the junk room moved to the living room today;
Im going to ask one of the guests to do it;
I'm going to ask each of them to select an item or two from the box and display it somewhere appropriate in the house;
I'm going to leave the box where it's placed until it's emptied of all decorations;
I'm going to ask every visitor who comes to the house in the next week to select an item or two from the box and display it until the box empties;
I'm going to ask the last visitor to place the then empy box back in the junk room ready for when it's next needed (28 days from now)
I'm going to be kind to myself this year;
I'm going to allow other people to help me;
I'm going to grow and become a better person and gracefully accept I need to ask for help;
I'm going to accept people are not mind readers, they don't know what I need doing if I don't speak up and ask;
I'm going to accept not every one is like me, tuned to every situation occurring around me and intuitively knowing when someone needs helping;
I'm going to surprise myself and do nothing other than ask for help;

dear PamelaJune

thank you for reminding me of the situation at hand
i do have a problem asking for help
as i do i am let down most of the time
being a control freak blessed with OCD
erring to the the side of all neat everything has a home
but this is me
i need to work on controlling myself
myself only
i am up against evil
depression set in hard
i would love to shake this self pity
i wish i could remember that each day is a gift from God
i am carrying to much turd that isn't even mine to carry
yet it affects me as it is my family
a ill family
and things were harder when our father blew himself away
our mother shunned us
and was that narcissistic person
there was a moment
i was about 8 months pregnant at a bingo game
my mothers oldest friend my aunt here vacationing
i sitting across from them
and i hear my mother
mind you i'm 38 years old
and she says
"if i had to do it all over having children i wouldn't"
it didn't matter i was a grown woman who superseded
in many ways being a single strong woman raising 4 children by myself
no trophies please
i had a job to do and did my very best no help
from my family
and when i say family
99% of all my lineage reside where my history
of family is in Hungary no contact with them
my mother
my two younger sisters
one has my nephew
my youngest sister 45 years old
single no children
and my four children
we are it
not doing well
a mother estranged from two of her three girls
it is my youngest sister who is still in contact with her
oh how her man and his family make her happy
kicked her kids to the curb
when she sold the house both my parents bought
and that be that
oh you wonder why am i in the past
Christmas growing up there was ALWAYS a huge
fight between our parents
and i started our own tradition
well known to my family
only my own family is in all sorts of turmoil
where am i going with all this
i asked for help and it isn't taken seriously
and they have better things to do i guess
i have not had company i can't remember
my last guest
no true friends
the God parent for Corissa said to me fourteen years ago
i cannot be i you life to many negative things going on
only to find out she had a black 3rd child and gave him up for adoption an Irish redhead with two boys already
we became very close as she came into my waitress years
and i took her under my wing
and she had split from her husband
history
just an example
i have not made any close friends since
i had just delivered Corissa
and this is when my troubled child who made me
a mother all over as i have custody
and she seems to be very comfortable with the arrangements

and life goes on
never know when something is up that screws up
what we put together
i don't want what happened Thanksgiving
to roll over into Christmas
my depression is enough
something i want out of my being
so many changes just in my life alone
there is much i need to do
and being mostly single all my life
except for a short lived marriage
my goal happy feelings
i miss feeling happy
thank you for you insight and upbeat Spirit
the tubs have been out for a week
still on the fence about opening up memories
all ornaments made and are original each year a new one
is added so PamelaJune it too is emotional
i will adopt your outlook and be conscious to apply it
God bless you and all you love
what a wonderful way of getting the box to empty out
love
me
thanks

took your suggestion
with my 16 year old help
so what i accomplished was
to put things away so that we can
put out the moving animals
so many kinds
so many buttons to push
i can't wait to see her face
then i asked my eldest
if she could help with the tree
she said yes
i got my buttocks and moved
till i couldn't any more
tomorrow another day
Eva didn't ask why the wall unit
was being cleared of all pictures
that's a good thing
as mom and dad take her Tuesday
to see Santa
i can put the creatures out
for her then
so thank you
ima hurting
it will be well worth it
me

at you
you know how much was done yesterday with the help of Corissa
and You bless me with another flood
this morning in Corissa's bathroom on the twentieth floor
a Major flood from the shower above
it made its into Corissa's room under the laminate floors i had put down
also made its way out the bathroom door into the tiny hall and into the living room under the laminate the size i would guess
about 5' x 5' really bad damage
this is a third time i incurred water damage
first time i ever put in a claim on my renters shortly after i moved in
then
i moved to the bigger apartment another flood
my agent said it would be to soon to put in another claim
that was that
i thought to myself
have had renters since 1984
and used it the first time
both times the building at fault
and again today
the third time fans are on it
but its really bad
and where the floors are managed
i'll put a area rugs down
i can change them
once warped the damage done
Father you know what i did
only for this turd to happen
i will say
thank you Jesus
thank you Father
thank you Jesus
thank you Father
me

Accepting help is a needful thing. Some of us arrive at the point where we cannot do we once did. It can be a prideful thing. I felt it. Depending on others for physical stuff I can no longer do unles I want to hurt myself.... Arghhhh.

I hope each of you, PamelaJune and Eva receive the help you need to survive joyfully through the Christmas season. AND Eva ..... The flood? Oh why, oh why????

Friends here suffered a burst pipe in an upstairs bathroom.... They did not lose precious mementos, yet most of the interior of the home was detrimentally harmed... Walls, floors, cabinets, kitchen appliances. It will be months before they can live at home again. Water piping is SO susceptible to failure.

Eva, I pray you will be able so dry out and save much of the special laminate floor. I know how hard it was for you to get it in the first place!

Prayin blessings for ya,
M56