Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Bless us in this day

Awakened by that gut feel
Is my brain so badly wired
Am I not good enough
Did I not love unconditionally
Did I not do a good enough job
Did I fail them and I just do not see it
What is wrong with me
Why do people say they respect and love
who I am
And what I have to offer
In my weakest time
This is how I feel
Weak
Not a fight left in me
I want to come home
This is not where I belong anymore
I don't want to fight
I just want to be happy
Why oh why
Just a small run
And something else pull from under me

What were my daughters thinking
Last night my granddaughter had to go through
the pain of hearing mom and Titti
They put her through because of selfish reasons
My granddaughter hasn't heard from mom in days
Her excuse she is sick sleeping
Hanging out now with Corissa
Three way talking to Eva and her crying
I pick the phone up to hear both of them
And their broken promises
I will not answer the phone now
This should not have happened
For the last two days I had to console her
Only for them to make it real and her go through the
sad emotions of abandonment

My daughter not willing to help me shop for food
because I will not write a letter
Based on lies to reunite with her daughter
My child knows I have been waiting for her to get sober
I just asked her last week
How was sobriety doing
She says
Can't lie to you mom
I have been taking pain killers
I asked is it prescribed by a doctor
NO
so you buying this stuff off the streets
What make her think I would do that
Her thinking is ill take her off your hands
Because my youngest took flight
This Heavenly Father is this what we are to suffer
Is this the life I have with my granddaughter
I will call upon the city I worked for
Have help to get my granddaughter ready for school
Nobody
But nobody in her life
Regularly
It is when convenient for them

Heavenly Father
Bless us
Bless this day with happiness
Not sadness
My granddaughter
Still asleep next to me
Cried herself to sleep last night
I needed to rub her forehead
And sooth her wants and fears
She does not understand
Why the grown ups are behaving like this
My granddaughter sees I am hurting and comes to me
because she is holding it in
Just like I am and she sees that
She feels it
And I hate myself for it
Is this all my doing
Heavenly Father
Show me I am dining the right thing
I feel like I am utter failure
Why do people say they like who I am
What am I to remember
To give without expecting anything in return
Even this
May I put all my pain in your hands
Please Father
Come to me
I need You so badly
Today I have things to do
Doctors car shop
Help me and my grandchild in this sunny sad day
Bring me to the place you want me to be
Letting You sooth my fears and dreams
Is there light at the end of my tunnel
Love

Dearest Eva,

Your granddaughter is a precious gift. I would hate to think of her without you in her life.

Your children have not accepted responsibility for their actions. Putting all this on yourself is an excuse for them. You did your best and they know it; please don't let them pull you down.

Right now ;I truly believe, this is where God wants you to be. He knows you are struggling; He is walking with you thru all this. Keep hanging on to Him. He is your strength .


Gerry

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Than you for my blessings

Heavenly Father
The prays
Let them surround my broken heart
I do need all the strength to get this
the last child I am raising
Her mother nowhere in her right mind
Avoiding her now I must
I have not figured out what has gone wrong and why
Her ex had much truth to tell me about my child
Not good
Not good
Shopping took me four hours
Four hours
The hardest was my back having to bring up to shopping carts
up by myself
I cried the second time around
It has put me in bed
A place I hate to be in
Now right now
My brain and neck are killing me
Have to wait till seven to take my meds

I am lost Heavenly Father
Lost
I did all these things when I left my home at
seventeen
What more can I do

In Your name Heavenly Father
Wipe this sadness from my gut
Make it go away
There is little left
Little left
Why do I have this horrible pain
Of all kinds
This is where You want me to be
This I understand
You are my saving grace
You are my Heavenly Father
You are alive in me
my body down and out
I push myself yesterday Father in tears
I pushed in pain
My granddaughter helping me shop
Get items and put them in the cart
She was awesome
Four hours we were food shopping
Something I haven't done unless I have to
Most times my daughter would shop I wait in the car
Or she takes a cab
It was so hard
I have to be reduced to having someone else
arrange it with the supermarket and then order online
I just don't trust I will get the better items
The ones refrigerated properly
The dates are good
Ad such
I am going to have to trust
This I cannot do anymore
Anymore is not the way I want to live
Yet it is what it is
Lost I am
Heavenly Father
Tired Heavenly Father
Painful are my days and now yesterday
Did me in
I have nobody in this country who is my family
They all live in Europe
It is me my four children my two sisters one nephew
A nonexistent mother
This is the big of it
Nobody to turn to
My youngest sister is trying
As the days go by
Let it get easier
Dear Heavenly Father
Help me understand it all
Let me feel Your spirit in my being
In You name I ask
Forgive me and any wrongs I may have done
Keep me afloat
In Jesus I trust
In God I beleive
Amen
Bless us all

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for the blessings I will receive
Heavenly Father
Lonely it is
Is this how things are suppose to be
How is it I hurt so badly
How can I truly let go
I know my family is living life without
Me and Eva in it
It does not feel good
My daughters birthday tomorrow
We were suppose to spend it together
Just her and I
That is gone
Another milestone and I am not part of it
What am I going to feel tomorrow
Will I live for tomorrow
Will You be there to cradle Me
Heavenly Father
My innards hurt my head spinning
My heart just broken
Having to deal with the pain Eva is feeling
Just kills me
Last night
She lay in Corissa's bed
The bed they both shared
She plays in the room
Went in to find her
On the bed covered up and secretly crying
She misses her so much
It is so hurtful
I not worry as You will watch over her
Alone I am
Alone I am
This is how I feel right this moment
Let me not forget
This is Your plan
Your at work
I need to sit back and watch it all unfold
Heavenly Father
It is her birthday tomorrow
Let her remember all the good times
This we had much of
Until I got sick
My older children left just because
This I had gone through three times already
This last one is a doozy
I need not fret
You have all in control
I spoke with a friend yesterday
Somebody new
Does not beleive in the Holy Bible
It was psalm six to its end is what God spoke to me
When I wanted to die
Just die
And then I left home
Never looked back
Never held back
I had reasons to run
My father was watching me till I was seventeen
in a vet unhealthy way
I left his hands that beat me
I would pray to die
I had only one way out
Heavenly Father
How can a father who wanted children according to my mother
She was given a ultimatum
Either you produce children or leave
So the story goes
I do remember my mother being beaten and then raped
I was under the age of five
We were in South Africa
This the place I was born
Why
Why do I dare ask
How is a small child suppose to let this go
It is inside me
Deep inside
They know how hard it was for me as a little girl
The reason I did not bring a stranger into my children's live
fearing someone would abuse the
But according to them me I am the abuser
The father of my children knew the number never changed
so he never had an excuse
Him also was fixed on Me in a very unhealthy way
Corissa's father focused on me and when I would become vulnerable and then attack trying to get physical with me
I understood
Just like my ex
Focused on me and my live life
What love life
I have up any chance because I did not trust
ANYBODY
Heavenly Father
I do not want anything other than peace between my children
Want me in their lives because that's what they want
Not what I want
Of course I do not mean that manner wher I am pushed around
I have been a good darn mom
All the children gravitate towards me all my lifetime
There are two other children I watched full time
Zacks parents money riddled heroin hidden in the child's room
He could have died
On the floor in the open closet
I had to protect him
Till he was eight
Gabriel a child that was difficult as a six month old
Watched her and raised her
Taught them both
Loved them both
I wonder If they remember me
They also slept over my home on many occasions
I was very good with children
I miss them too
How can this be
I cannot compete with the root of all evil
This is what he dangles in front of my child
Heavenly Father don't let her become that kind of person
Someone who throws pennies to the ground
And I'm that person who picks them up
Heavenly Father
Empower me
In Your name
I ask
Empower me I have to go through the emotions
of loosing my child to of all people her father
Who has never had an interest
I forced him in her life
May it be that he now will have to deal with
The real hard stuff
He was so relieved Corissa stopped going to her program
Something I had to do for her when taking her out if school
Not a word
She just stopped going
I don't need to go
Ill be eighteen soon
And he never seen the importance of what the program had to offer her
And in the end her counselor said she is now someone who has become a leader
In her life not understanding she is responsible for her decisions
and has to work with what she decides
But not for it to hurt another
And that is what she did to this long distance relationship
Where the mom called
Wound up in the hospital
Suicide over the finding my daughter was cheating
With another long distance relationship
It was wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Yet I must
For her own good
Letting her fall on her face
I don't want to see that
I will not call on her birthday
I did not getting through
And not getting at least a card on my birthday
Is not to hurt her
But help her see
I was the one there for the past seventeen birthdays
Missing her hurts
Calling her even more
She will maybe get a belated
This Heavenly Father I do for reasons only YOU know
You created me
You will see my heart
Help me Heavenly Father
Not be bitter
And let it go into Your hands
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe
Love
Me

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for the blessings i am to receive

Heavenly Father
so sad
so so sad
its Corissa's birthday
i was cheated
i hurt so badly
me

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for the blessings You give today

Heavenly Father
Will she ever find her way
And return home
This is home
This is where You live
Not there yet
She could see the dedication it takes
to push through and know You will pick up the pieces
You have my heart
And it hurts
I leave the work to be done by You

Heavenly Father
Help her find her way
And come home
We miss her so much
It was a good home
Money I did not have
Even if I did
I would not dangle it in front of my children
Although I went into bankruptcy because of my children
This Heavenly Father you know and see

I am tithe one
Take me
Use me
I know they need to learn
I know I am doing what I must reguardless of
how I feel
I never wanted this for her
Her life a secret
Her life not in a good place
It kill to know that these morals are not practiced
by her new home
You know the truth
I wanted Corissa
Very much
I held Corissa hard
Now in her fathers arms
To the root of Evil MONEY
something she could have used when I was raising her
Heavenly Father
You know all this
This is what plays in my mind

What is it that was so difficult
Making appointments for herself
To take her birth control she should have started yesterday
If she stops
All hell comes loose when she ovulates

I have a lump in my throat
I am overly sensitive about the situation
I am so used to her being in my life
Yesterday
For the very first time
From the time the father picked up Eva till eight Saturday night
my home was empty for the first time in thirty five years

Heavenly Father
Am I to live a life without the support I think is out there
just for me

Why hasn't it happened
Is this another road of loneliness
Is this a road of hardship after hardship
You know my fear with my back
Let it be related to my hardwear
Things are progressing
You know my doctor said
Eva you know it will reveal the inevitable
And to find a doctor I feel one hundred percent
interested in my case
Case
There are so many things wrong at the same time
I have a sick body
In many ways
The doctors I have now
sweep very important findings under the rug
These are my doctors
Not even close to good
I have been with the three for almost ten years
Fired one

Heavenly Father
Everything is so difficult
I do not know the availability there is for me
having my disabling ways
I do not have the money to get a larger shopping cart
It took two trips to the car with a cart that is salvaged since
my dog has been with my eldest
It was used to hold garbage
Our dog would not get a way in
Oh how I miss our dog

Heavenly Father I will not allow my upstairs neighbor
ruin my quality of life
Approached her twice
Last time awakened at one thirty in the morning
So the stopped with the sound of marbles on the floor
as to get the dogs attention has stopped
But now the furniture is dragged across the floor in a very
malicious manner
Only You know
I must call management
I recorded the sounds after eleven pm
Time is ten to keep the noise down

Heavenly Father
I am asking in Your name only to
Help guide my children
How sad that my thirty year old
My addict daughter who is not a good influence
They are hanging
Is the drama over
Not quickly
I still need to call my former boss
Mayor, special senetors seat, commissioner of public works
Correct me if I am wrong
Three paychecks
Really
And all he wanted since an advocate for the poor and strained families
I knew him since a little boy
I campaigned for one person in my life
And it was for him
I had a job when he won
I never used that card
"I campaigned for you, you now owe me"
It was years later when my Corissa was ill with kidney problems
at three and a half months
Father
You know it all

I am asking to not feel the separation as hard as it has become
to deal with

Heavenly Father
Please come to me

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for my blessings I am to receive

She text me early this morning
I able to tell her ho selfish she is
asking when she could see Eva
This from my child who did not want
to deal with her at all
Not even make breakfast for her
Asking Corissa to help was like trying to take her phone from her
She went where rather who pays for her phone
I will not call upon my much older children they live their own life
and will not be alright between us until they all apologize to me
for their selfish way
Or rather go with what my eldest said when I reminded her it was not my responsibility to purchase clothes shoes glasses jewelry to show appreciating the help little help given
absolutely i am sore that I was robbed by my own children
It Hurts
To steal is not in my makeup
To lie is never a option
To be the best I could be always
Even in hard core advisement to myself
I must not let up
I am not the bad guy
Never was
Never will anybody make me believe that
Never
I was everything but the bad guy

Heavenly Father
Will you please come to me
Lift the sadness that is still fresh as if it were yesterday
And yesterday was a week she is gone

Heavenly Father
I will go to my sisters this weekend
She will do my laundry
She will pick us up
I won't have to worry for a bit
Just have to go to the pulmonary doctor

Heavenly Father
If cancer is in my lungs
I will not fight anymore
I will let it take my body

Heavenly Father
Loosing thirty pounds
Not when I tried is not normal
The last time I lost unusual amount of weight
was when I found my cancer lump in my right breast
A botched job
Who cares
I will no longer fight
I will do what I must
But no more fighting it

For who
For what
And why

Heavenly Father
Come to me
Console me
Hold me in you loving arms
Wipe my fears away
Allow me to live MY LIFE HAPPY
not for it to be in pain at the end of it all
Be my saving Grace
In Your name Heavenly Father
This I ask for me and my grandchild
Love
Me

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

I have much to be grateful for
Blessed to be here for my grand baby
She deserves so much more
It is only me
Mom and dad are part time parents
My sisters not in her life
My children not in her life
What did Eva ever do to anybody
Or any innocent child coming into this cruel beautiful world
we call earth
Blessed to be here as sick as I may be I get up for her
every single day
I suffer by the end of the day
Add to that the sadness
I cannot express how badly my body is
Pushing it the way I do will certainly have its ramifications
I have a hole in my heart with this riddled body

Heavenly Father
Please come to me
In Jesus I trust
I You I believe
Make it go away
Rip it out of me with Your loving touch
Robe me with a piece of that flannel shirt
Let me smell You
Let LOVE enter my soul
In my eyes sadness cries
In my head I know better
In my heart I did my very best
In my soul I am certain of all this
Am I not what You will have do
As I pray it please You
Your name on my tongue
Your Spirit in my heart
How can then my soul free
Free to live a life of happiness
After all the sadness

You say I am strong
This You only You can see
If I am to be sad can YOU please lift my sickness
Can you lift my physical being
And allow me movement without pain on just so many levels
Bless us Heavenly Father
Hold me
Love me
I hate taking pills for my pain
I gave up alcohol
Let me be high on life
Lift my spirits
Take care of my babies
Let them be touched by You
Never let go of me
I the abyss I do not want to ever be
I you name Jesus
Be my savior
Be my calm
Amen

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for my blessings in my day
It is over two weeks
And I'm still waiting
Like she is gonna walk through the door
Haven't heard from her now in three days
No clue what is going o

Waiting to take my bloody pills
with my coffee Corissa would be asked to make
And she finally got it and would set it up for me to start
when I got up in the morning
I miss her terribly

Wai g for mom to clean up her act
I cannot trust her
And am lied to constantly

Waiting for good weather
So I can sit in my terrace
It's been as long as Corissa is go
She has pictures stored in her phone I need
to show the doctor who I will be seeing
the third
My lungs have taken a hit

I'm waiting for all this crap to pass

Waiting for it to lift
It is so strong

Waiting for Heavenly Father
To lift it all
In Jesus I trust
In You I believe

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for the blessings bestowed on me by You

Never in a million years would what happened yesterday
be alright with me

Heavenly Father
In Jesus I trust
Through Him I am saved
Through Him are you in touch with me
Through him am I heard
You are my Father
My creator
My everything
Please come to me at this very trying time
Let me continue to do the right thing
Yet not be manipulated and lied to by the one who
picks her up and still does not give her the proper time in the
day or time they spend together
How dare the father tell my grandchild to lie
And how this was a terrible thing to have taught her
Cover up the truth that my child her Titti left
And did not explain to her why
I begged her to explain it to her
Not a word to say
But to say it was alright to do what they did
Wrong
In the whole day
The only time she ate real food was before she left
Ate her favorite
Pasta sauce and ravioli with meatballs grated cheese
Had her icecream cake in the morning
Going to the other grandmothers apartment
and her not home until after work
Stipulation supervised
And it was mother father my youngest who abandoned
her the way she left
For me to pick up the pieces in everyway
Heavenly Father
You are my protector
You are my everything
You are who I hope is pleased with my work
You are the only one to judge me
I have to protect her
My daughter to say to me go ***** myself
I can shop and do my own laundry
My sister will come once a month and do it for me
When the time is right
I will be downsized to a one bedroom if mom would just
get her turd together
You are driving my train right now Heavenly Father
Save my children
Take care of them while on their journey
I do not like them
Hence astranged from me
Yet Eva is not in two of my adult children
And mother and youngest are part time parent and aunt
My mother not in Eva's life
My sisters one of the two not in her life
It is not okay
It is not what I offered every Sunday at the table
It didn't matter where they were Sunday dinner all were at my table
Long lost tradition out the window
You drive my train
You sit at the table with me
Your child
As all are your children
Let me be a example to my grandchild
To be a strong truthful young girl
For it is one of the Ten Commandments
In Jesus I trust
In You I believe
Love
Me