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04-14-2016, 05:25 AM | #331 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Bless us in this day Awakened by that gut feel Is my brain so badly wired Am I not good enough Did I not love unconditionally Did I not do a good enough job Did I fail them and I just do not see it What is wrong with me Why do people say they respect and love who I am And what I have to offer In my weakest time This is how I feel Weak Not a fight left in me I want to come home This is not where I belong anymore I don't want to fight I just want to be happy Why oh why Just a small run And something else pull from under me What were my daughters thinking Last night my granddaughter had to go through the pain of hearing mom and Titti They put her through because of selfish reasons My granddaughter hasn't heard from mom in days Her excuse she is sick sleeping Hanging out now with Corissa Three way talking to Eva and her crying I pick the phone up to hear both of them And their broken promises I will not answer the phone now This should not have happened For the last two days I had to console her Only for them to make it real and her go through the sad emotions of abandonment My daughter not willing to help me shop for food because I will not write a letter Based on lies to reunite with her daughter My child knows I have been waiting for her to get sober I just asked her last week How was sobriety doing She says Can't lie to you mom I have been taking pain killers I asked is it prescribed by a doctor NO so you buying this stuff off the streets What make her think I would do that Her thinking is ill take her off your hands Because my youngest took flight This Heavenly Father is this what we are to suffer Is this the life I have with my granddaughter I will call upon the city I worked for Have help to get my granddaughter ready for school Nobody But nobody in her life Regularly It is when convenient for them Heavenly Father Bless us Bless this day with happiness Not sadness My granddaughter Still asleep next to me Cried herself to sleep last night I needed to rub her forehead And sooth her wants and fears She does not understand Why the grown ups are behaving like this My granddaughter sees I am hurting and comes to me because she is holding it in Just like I am and she sees that She feels it And I hate myself for it Is this all my doing Heavenly Father Show me I am dining the right thing I feel like I am utter failure Why do people say they like who I am What am I to remember To give without expecting anything in return Even this May I put all my pain in your hands Please Father Come to me I need You so badly Today I have things to do Doctors car shop Help me and my grandchild in this sunny sad day Bring me to the place you want me to be Letting You sooth my fears and dreams Is there light at the end of my tunnel Love
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someone who cares eva |
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04-14-2016, 10:44 AM | #332 | ||
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Magnate
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Dearest Eva,
Your granddaughter is a precious gift. I would hate to think of her without you in her life. Your children have not accepted responsibility for their actions. Putting all this on yourself is an excuse for them. You did your best and they know it; please don't let them pull you down. Right now ;I truly believe, this is where God wants you to be. He knows you are struggling; He is walking with you thru all this. Keep hanging on to Him. He is your strength . Gerry Last edited by ger715; 04-14-2016 at 11:03 AM. |
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04-15-2016, 05:18 AM | #333 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Than you for my blessings Heavenly Father The prays Let them surround my broken heart I do need all the strength to get this the last child I am raising Her mother nowhere in her right mind Avoiding her now I must I have not figured out what has gone wrong and why Her ex had much truth to tell me about my child Not good Not good Shopping took me four hours Four hours The hardest was my back having to bring up to shopping carts up by myself I cried the second time around It has put me in bed A place I hate to be in Now right now My brain and neck are killing me Have to wait till seven to take my meds I am lost Heavenly Father Lost I did all these things when I left my home at seventeen What more can I do In Your name Heavenly Father Wipe this sadness from my gut Make it go away There is little left Little left Why do I have this horrible pain Of all kinds This is where You want me to be This I understand You are my saving grace You are my Heavenly Father You are alive in me my body down and out I push myself yesterday Father in tears I pushed in pain My granddaughter helping me shop Get items and put them in the cart She was awesome Four hours we were food shopping Something I haven't done unless I have to Most times my daughter would shop I wait in the car Or she takes a cab It was so hard I have to be reduced to having someone else arrange it with the supermarket and then order online I just don't trust I will get the better items The ones refrigerated properly The dates are good Ad such I am going to have to trust This I cannot do anymore Anymore is not the way I want to live Yet it is what it is Lost I am Heavenly Father Tired Heavenly Father Painful are my days and now yesterday Did me in I have nobody in this country who is my family They all live in Europe It is me my four children my two sisters one nephew A nonexistent mother This is the big of it Nobody to turn to My youngest sister is trying As the days go by Let it get easier Dear Heavenly Father Help me understand it all Let me feel Your spirit in my being In You name I ask Forgive me and any wrongs I may have done Keep me afloat In Jesus I trust In God I beleive Amen Bless us all
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-15-2016 at 06:03 AM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (04-15-2016), PamelaJune (04-20-2016) |
04-16-2016, 06:27 AM | #334 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Thank you for the blessings I will receive Heavenly Father Lonely it is Is this how things are suppose to be How is it I hurt so badly How can I truly let go I know my family is living life without Me and Eva in it It does not feel good My daughters birthday tomorrow We were suppose to spend it together Just her and I That is gone Another milestone and I am not part of it What am I going to feel tomorrow Will I live for tomorrow Will You be there to cradle Me Heavenly Father My innards hurt my head spinning My heart just broken Having to deal with the pain Eva is feeling Just kills me Last night She lay in Corissa's bed The bed they both shared She plays in the room Went in to find her On the bed covered up and secretly crying She misses her so much It is so hurtful I not worry as You will watch over her Alone I am Alone I am This is how I feel right this moment Let me not forget This is Your plan Your at work I need to sit back and watch it all unfold Heavenly Father It is her birthday tomorrow Let her remember all the good times This we had much of Until I got sick My older children left just because This I had gone through three times already This last one is a doozy I need not fret You have all in control I spoke with a friend yesterday Somebody new Does not beleive in the Holy Bible It was psalm six to its end is what God spoke to me When I wanted to die Just die And then I left home Never looked back Never held back I had reasons to run My father was watching me till I was seventeen in a vet unhealthy way I left his hands that beat me I would pray to die I had only one way out Heavenly Father How can a father who wanted children according to my mother She was given a ultimatum Either you produce children or leave So the story goes I do remember my mother being beaten and then raped I was under the age of five We were in South Africa This the place I was born Why Why do I dare ask How is a small child suppose to let this go It is inside me Deep inside They know how hard it was for me as a little girl The reason I did not bring a stranger into my children's live fearing someone would abuse the But according to them me I am the abuser The father of my children knew the number never changed so he never had an excuse Him also was fixed on Me in a very unhealthy way Corissa's father focused on me and when I would become vulnerable and then attack trying to get physical with me I understood Just like my ex Focused on me and my live life What love life I have up any chance because I did not trust ANYBODY Heavenly Father I do not want anything other than peace between my children Want me in their lives because that's what they want Not what I want Of course I do not mean that manner wher I am pushed around I have been a good darn mom All the children gravitate towards me all my lifetime There are two other children I watched full time Zacks parents money riddled heroin hidden in the child's room He could have died On the floor in the open closet I had to protect him Till he was eight Gabriel a child that was difficult as a six month old Watched her and raised her Taught them both Loved them both I wonder If they remember me They also slept over my home on many occasions I was very good with children I miss them too How can this be I cannot compete with the root of all evil This is what he dangles in front of my child Heavenly Father don't let her become that kind of person Someone who throws pennies to the ground And I'm that person who picks them up Heavenly Father Empower me In Your name I ask Empower me I have to go through the emotions of loosing my child to of all people her father Who has never had an interest I forced him in her life May it be that he now will have to deal with The real hard stuff He was so relieved Corissa stopped going to her program Something I had to do for her when taking her out if school Not a word She just stopped going I don't need to go Ill be eighteen soon And he never seen the importance of what the program had to offer her And in the end her counselor said she is now someone who has become a leader In her life not understanding she is responsible for her decisions and has to work with what she decides But not for it to hurt another And that is what she did to this long distance relationship Where the mom called Wound up in the hospital Suicide over the finding my daughter was cheating With another long distance relationship It was wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Yet I must For her own good Letting her fall on her face I don't want to see that I will not call on her birthday I did not getting through And not getting at least a card on my birthday Is not to hurt her But help her see I was the one there for the past seventeen birthdays Missing her hurts Calling her even more She will maybe get a belated This Heavenly Father I do for reasons only YOU know You created me You will see my heart Help me Heavenly Father Not be bitter And let it go into Your hands In Jesus I trust In God I believe Love Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-16-2016 at 08:10 AM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (04-18-2016), PamelaJune (04-20-2016) |
04-17-2016, 12:38 PM | #335 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary thank you for the blessings i am to receive Heavenly Father so sad so so sad its Corissa's birthday i was cheated i hurt so badly me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (04-18-2016) |
04-18-2016, 06:44 AM | #336 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Thank you for the blessings You give today Heavenly Father Will she ever find her way And return home This is home This is where You live Not there yet She could see the dedication it takes to push through and know You will pick up the pieces You have my heart And it hurts I leave the work to be done by You Heavenly Father Help her find her way And come home We miss her so much It was a good home Money I did not have Even if I did I would not dangle it in front of my children Although I went into bankruptcy because of my children This Heavenly Father you know and see I am tithe one Take me Use me I know they need to learn I know I am doing what I must reguardless of how I feel I never wanted this for her Her life a secret Her life not in a good place It kill to know that these morals are not practiced by her new home You know the truth I wanted Corissa Very much I held Corissa hard Now in her fathers arms To the root of Evil MONEY something she could have used when I was raising her Heavenly Father You know all this This is what plays in my mind What is it that was so difficult Making appointments for herself To take her birth control she should have started yesterday If she stops All hell comes loose when she ovulates I have a lump in my throat I am overly sensitive about the situation I am so used to her being in my life Yesterday For the very first time From the time the father picked up Eva till eight Saturday night my home was empty for the first time in thirty five years Heavenly Father Am I to live a life without the support I think is out there just for me Why hasn't it happened Is this another road of loneliness Is this a road of hardship after hardship You know my fear with my back Let it be related to my hardwear Things are progressing You know my doctor said Eva you know it will reveal the inevitable And to find a doctor I feel one hundred percent interested in my case Case There are so many things wrong at the same time I have a sick body In many ways The doctors I have now sweep very important findings under the rug These are my doctors Not even close to good I have been with the three for almost ten years Fired one Heavenly Father Everything is so difficult I do not know the availability there is for me having my disabling ways I do not have the money to get a larger shopping cart It took two trips to the car with a cart that is salvaged since my dog has been with my eldest It was used to hold garbage Our dog would not get a way in Oh how I miss our dog Heavenly Father I will not allow my upstairs neighbor ruin my quality of life Approached her twice Last time awakened at one thirty in the morning So the stopped with the sound of marbles on the floor as to get the dogs attention has stopped But now the furniture is dragged across the floor in a very malicious manner Only You know I must call management I recorded the sounds after eleven pm Time is ten to keep the noise down Heavenly Father I am asking in Your name only to Help guide my children How sad that my thirty year old My addict daughter who is not a good influence They are hanging Is the drama over Not quickly I still need to call my former boss Mayor, special senetors seat, commissioner of public works Correct me if I am wrong Three paychecks Really And all he wanted since an advocate for the poor and strained families I knew him since a little boy I campaigned for one person in my life And it was for him I had a job when he won I never used that card "I campaigned for you, you now owe me" It was years later when my Corissa was ill with kidney problems at three and a half months Father You know it all I am asking to not feel the separation as hard as it has become to deal with Heavenly Father Please come to me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-18-2016 at 08:03 AM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (04-18-2016) |
04-20-2016, 06:47 AM | #337 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Thank you for my blessings I am to receive She text me early this morning I able to tell her ho selfish she is asking when she could see Eva This from my child who did not want to deal with her at all Not even make breakfast for her Asking Corissa to help was like trying to take her phone from her She went where rather who pays for her phone I will not call upon my much older children they live their own life and will not be alright between us until they all apologize to me for their selfish way Or rather go with what my eldest said when I reminded her it was not my responsibility to purchase clothes shoes glasses jewelry to show appreciating the help little help given absolutely i am sore that I was robbed by my own children It Hurts To steal is not in my makeup To lie is never a option To be the best I could be always Even in hard core advisement to myself I must not let up I am not the bad guy Never was Never will anybody make me believe that Never I was everything but the bad guy Heavenly Father Will you please come to me Lift the sadness that is still fresh as if it were yesterday And yesterday was a week she is gone Heavenly Father I will go to my sisters this weekend She will do my laundry She will pick us up I won't have to worry for a bit Just have to go to the pulmonary doctor Heavenly Father If cancer is in my lungs I will not fight anymore I will let it take my body Heavenly Father Loosing thirty pounds Not when I tried is not normal The last time I lost unusual amount of weight was when I found my cancer lump in my right breast A botched job Who cares I will no longer fight I will do what I must But no more fighting it For who For what And why Heavenly Father Come to me Console me Hold me in you loving arms Wipe my fears away Allow me to live MY LIFE HAPPY not for it to be in pain at the end of it all Be my saving Grace In Your name Heavenly Father This I ask for me and my grandchild Love Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-20-2016 at 07:12 AM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (04-20-2016) |
04-27-2016, 06:09 AM | #338 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary I have much to be grateful for Blessed to be here for my grand baby She deserves so much more It is only me Mom and dad are part time parents My sisters not in her life My children not in her life What did Eva ever do to anybody Or any innocent child coming into this cruel beautiful world we call earth Blessed to be here as sick as I may be I get up for her every single day I suffer by the end of the day Add to that the sadness I cannot express how badly my body is Pushing it the way I do will certainly have its ramifications I have a hole in my heart with this riddled body Heavenly Father Please come to me In Jesus I trust I You I believe Make it go away Rip it out of me with Your loving touch Robe me with a piece of that flannel shirt Let me smell You Let LOVE enter my soul In my eyes sadness cries In my head I know better In my heart I did my very best In my soul I am certain of all this Am I not what You will have do As I pray it please You Your name on my tongue Your Spirit in my heart How can then my soul free Free to live a life of happiness After all the sadness You say I am strong This You only You can see If I am to be sad can YOU please lift my sickness Can you lift my physical being And allow me movement without pain on just so many levels Bless us Heavenly Father Hold me Love me I hate taking pills for my pain I gave up alcohol Let me be high on life Lift my spirits Take care of my babies Let them be touched by You Never let go of me I the abyss I do not want to ever be I you name Jesus Be my savior Be my calm Amen
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-27-2016 at 06:28 AM. |
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04-28-2016, 05:32 AM | #339 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Thank you for my blessings in my day It is over two weeks And I'm still waiting Like she is gonna walk through the door Haven't heard from her now in three days No clue what is going o Waiting to take my bloody pills with my coffee Corissa would be asked to make And she finally got it and would set it up for me to start when I got up in the morning I miss her terribly Wai g for mom to clean up her act I cannot trust her And am lied to constantly Waiting for good weather So I can sit in my terrace It's been as long as Corissa is go She has pictures stored in her phone I need to show the doctor who I will be seeing the third My lungs have taken a hit I'm waiting for all this crap to pass Waiting for it to lift It is so strong Waiting for Heavenly Father To lift it all In Jesus I trust In You I believe
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someone who cares eva |
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05-05-2016, 09:24 AM | #340 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Father
Brother Mother Mary Thank you for the blessings bestowed on me by You Never in a million years would what happened yesterday be alright with me Heavenly Father In Jesus I trust Through Him I am saved Through Him are you in touch with me Through him am I heard You are my Father My creator My everything Please come to me at this very trying time Let me continue to do the right thing Yet not be manipulated and lied to by the one who picks her up and still does not give her the proper time in the day or time they spend together How dare the father tell my grandchild to lie And how this was a terrible thing to have taught her Cover up the truth that my child her Titti left And did not explain to her why I begged her to explain it to her Not a word to say But to say it was alright to do what they did Wrong In the whole day The only time she ate real food was before she left Ate her favorite Pasta sauce and ravioli with meatballs grated cheese Had her icecream cake in the morning Going to the other grandmothers apartment and her not home until after work Stipulation supervised And it was mother father my youngest who abandoned her the way she left For me to pick up the pieces in everyway Heavenly Father You are my protector You are my everything You are who I hope is pleased with my work You are the only one to judge me I have to protect her My daughter to say to me go ***** myself I can shop and do my own laundry My sister will come once a month and do it for me When the time is right I will be downsized to a one bedroom if mom would just get her turd together You are driving my train right now Heavenly Father Save my children Take care of them while on their journey I do not like them Hence astranged from me Yet Eva is not in two of my adult children And mother and youngest are part time parent and aunt My mother not in Eva's life My sisters one of the two not in her life It is not okay It is not what I offered every Sunday at the table It didn't matter where they were Sunday dinner all were at my table Long lost tradition out the window You drive my train You sit at the table with me Your child As all are your children Let me be a example to my grandchild To be a strong truthful young girl For it is one of the Ten Commandments In Jesus I trust In You I believe Love Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-05-2016 at 07:30 PM. |
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