oh my dear friend

so much so much
pain
keeping the faith
can't stop wondering
why such misery
why this feeling of doom
and i wake every day
praying to the Father
please release me from
this pain
so much taken
it hurts so badly
so badly
no option
i have to keep going
little Eva needs me
as do my children
my youngest needs to go
to NA meetings
oh the sadness
me

sweet Mother Mary
 

as a mother
help me strengthen
my heart
as a mother
help me protect
and let them see
as a mother
help me understand
how to live when your children
are suffering
as a mother
who suffered ultimate pain
guide my
bless me with your strength
in your Sons name
Jesus
bless this family
with hope
Love is unconditional
may i do right
and not harm
i trust in You Brother
me

peace to all
amen

touched by an Angel
 

Dear Father

this evening I was touched by an Angel
to have a net of compassion love hope
and Faith through the suffering
and just like that
blessings in a big way
paying it forward
may you not fall
but instead have the wings
necessary to fly
and if you just might be afraid
an Angel may appear and fly with you
till you feel safe
i was touched by an Angel
God blessed me with an Angel
me

Not giving in
 

She has caused to much heart ache
And continues to do so
She calls as if nothing
She has nothing to say
I have a place to put my head down
Tonight I cannot have her here
Maybe tomorrow
Tomorrow
This I am juggling
Whether I like it or not
Two who are cursed with
ADDICTION DEPRESSION NO ACCOMPLISHMENT IN LIFE
NO DIRECTION BAM YOUR IN IT
WHAT AM I TO DO
Pray pray pray pray pray
That all be okay in the end
Me

:hug: for you eva

Will work to learn how to work it
 

Thank you Lara
I had no idea
I am not gadget smart
But I must learn
Something I did not know about
afraid to venture into unchartered waters
Apologies
Me

Dear eva,
I'm not 100% sure, but I wonder which gadgets you need to learn.

I hope you didn't think I posted those links at the bottom of my post for you.
They're just in my signature so that when I help people in the New Member's Forum, they may get some help from them.

I was simply sending you a huge hug because I care and don't like to see you in so much pain.

I'll leave off the signature file when I post this and you'll see the difference.

May you be BLESSED
 

Especially conscious of dear friend Eva, lifting up prayer for BLESSINGS this rainy day in Colorado.

Love,
Mark56

on this somber day
 

blessings to all who suffered
a horrible death
blessings to those who still suffer the massive
loss of a true melting pot
blessings to those who are lifting me
that carries a heavy heart
blessings to all those who suffer depression
it is a place of darkness i wish on no one
not wanting to bring my pain
in a constant beat of physical pain
so comes the beat of spiritual suffering
my dear dear friends
to be at this Time of my life
lived my life expectancy half a century
with a cross that has gotten heavier
and heavier until my physical state
has begun to break down at what should
have been a peek time so they say
my dear Father
with no option but to move forward as hard as it is
still typing with my pencil and letter by letter
laying on my left side
am compelled to write today
to be reminded today that is very clear in these eyes
living where i do
oh what a horrible day
had my first panic attack
it was a late fall day
with a orange huge in the air
i thaught we were attacked bomb
hit just waiting for the wind of fire

i have morbid thoughts every once in a while since then
even in my dreams

Father help me in this difficult time
as only You know my heart
my Love abundant
my pain and sorrow trumps
oh bless us all
keep my children safe
i miss my dog
me

sweet Mother
my heart in such turmoil
a sane person i am
today a taste of what the season
has in store for this body
blessed to still have a car
in a couple of years will be needed to be driven
today there is no option in bed
when i was up early again
my body to follow
to pray you give me comfort
of the emotional support
needed to go on
my heart muscle has been
acting up
when on my left side
i feel the irregular rhythm
sometimes the feeling is up my neck
pretty intense at times
the summer gone bye bye
in a heartbeat not a very good one at that
need to get some kind of motivation
would be wonderful if i could be involved in
yoga classes to help strengthen important muscles
it help with balance something i suffer with
and must be careful
most projects are done on the
floor
and to ave my mind not well
makes it that much harder
this morning i was on the floor tending to the garbage
it was the only way
and then to get up help from my kid
i couldn't get up it hurt all over
and then i began to think
i'm still young
i'm so afraid of getting old
with this horrible monster pain
help me be a better mother
and look at the brighter things
that are pure joy and most times
it comes from my family my children
and most certainly my granddaughter
may today be bright
for anyone who feel beaten down
and feel they have no way out
it's so lonely
me

to the doctors
 

Father

guide me in the right road
lift me in Spirit
Blessed i am
thank you Father for
the things i forget about
my Love for you is real
thank you for my family
extended included
i shall spread your love
while in your world
for those i come in contact with
help me with my daughter Corissa
she is on a rough road
it is not acceptable
her social media is all filth
i don't understand
this is not how she was raised
she is NOT completely truthful
this is a problem

it is such a difficult problem
it tells me so much
pray for her
help me with her dear
Father
Brother i trust you
angles come and help
in my brothers name
Jesus

may all go well at doctors

sorry about the problems with your daughter Eva. I wish you well and don't like to see people on this board hurting, and you are an especially good person.

I want to be thankful for the blessings I have but I am such a cup half empty kind of guy. and selfish. But thank you for Dawn and mother and others and that I can still walk and talk.

it has been a while
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for your Love

things to be grateful for
blessings awaiting
Father in control
My days in and days out routine
happiness just peeking out every once in a while
cannot say Eva is not my light as Corissa is
Hope God fill her heart
rearing Corissa in this fast evil riddled
streets
it is hard for her to see who is
real or who is ready to turn her on to drugs
drugs
now has touched everyone of my family
from a prim and proper mother
who i hear is nodding at the breakfast table
her divorced husband
who lives with her permanently is at odds with
her and her habit forming place in her life
she certainly Suffers Physical Pain but has
also become abusive with them
so
with help from doctor
removed some meds from her

this information from my youngest sister
and my last conversation she had with me
and i told her then she did not sound well

now

i have Corissa to help
and get help for her
my daughter
and the my thirty year old daughter
making me a mimma
more like mommy
she has begun to get used to the
way things are set up by the courts
and my concerns she would have been
a child of the state
how oh how could
i let that happen
i can't
i didn't
and now has become to
be more and more my child
mommy and daddy come twice a week
i get bread ready for her
put in her back pack (kenyér) bread
to feed the (kacsa) duck in Hungarian
she is learning the language
and has the tongue for it
it is the hardest language to learn
today is hot and cold soup
yes she gives me purpose to go on
i am raising her with the help of Corissa

staying focused
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

show me the truth

grant me some help with the winter
some happiness in this crazy crazy
family
i love beyond death comes to me
happiness mean everything in a
healthy body
taking for granted
or plain not knowing
what we do to our bodies at a
young age
a workhorse i was
my reward love
or what i thought was love
grateful to be a mommy
a mentor
someone to trust
the love of God
getting up as i do
as only God knows
is a accomplishment
and then what the day has to offer
it always comes from both ends
oh Lord
how many times did i miss the boat
as it always revolved my children
they know
they know
God giving me my last child
a time in my life when all was
happening
a home
as deli
sobriety
but i had been gifted
as much as i said i'll never
get the opportunity to be a mother again
i got what i wished for with many adversities
blessings she is

and here is Eva
how many circles
blessings
she is happy thus far
hope
me

as You rule
 

Father
my dear Brother
Mother Mary

we start with a new beginning
a new road
an adventurer into
uncharted waters
all on the same reason
for this road
is for a falling family member
my youngest daughter
who found self mutilation was
a way to displace her anger
in addition too all this
i have Eva
it is not easy Father
i do not want her to see me in so much pain
she accompanied me with her assessment
to my internist and it went something like this
"my mimma's back hurts
and her neck
and her feet
and her hands
and her butt
she combs my hair like a princess
oh and her hip hurts
you'll take care of my mimma
i love her"

oh the circle of life
grant us healing
the meaning of family
the Hope i have for us
in Jesus name

Help her understand
 

Immediately upon meeting with the director of the facility
and expressing to her the obsession with her phone
it was immediately taken away

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

I have to be the one who is the bad guy
How when she is ovulating and how badly her PMS is
How it was observed as important information
How much more do I endure being the bad guy
How do I move forward when I have all this pent up anger
with my children
Am I not a human with the same needs and wants
Maybe a little recognition at what was sacrificed they
are adults in all thirty and up
I am still around for them
Not to be a punching bag
A little love would feel nice
Thank you for the blessings
given in advance
And to all a blessing in your day
Amen
Me

the feeling so strong
 

i would like to get up one day
sooner then later with a smile in my heart
and it show on my face

Father
i feel so confused
so helpless
i knew things were coming to a head with
my sixteen year old
to have a child be so angry
to have done poorly in school
where are the adults who are what i would
hope qualified to see a child in need of help
what the school does is concentrate on the
students that are not in anyway having a hard time
and those who are troubled in anyway are left in the dust
there is something very WRONG with this
struggle struggle struggle
just a little lift of this unhappy feeling
for them and me
i wake up from sleep with physical
and cry myself to sleep
happiness
is a state of mind
i miss
my thanks to blessings
You give and i may be very blind to
amen
me

Hi Eva
 

Can't tell you how many boats we all miss. You are doing great under the circumstances you have. I read all your posts. Just have been busy with house showings. Many so far, and a few bites. Things are looking up and my arm after lots of therapy is better.
YOu are still in my prayers and so is your family. No matter where I wind up at, I will keep in touch with you. ginnie

there is so much internal pain
 

Father
my disease is something that my family suffers from

my mental state in check as sobriety is first
with the Love of my family i have from my program
i am lost in the generation m sixteen year lives in
there is a term for the time period we are in
"a millennium child"
children born into the social media
that is a way of life
the lack of understanding
for example the cell phone
the internet
a new way of life
and i cannot understand the rude
defiant, angry, hatred in her eyes
this new beginning starts off in a terrible
argument over the pants her "father"
purchased for her for the gym at the facility
she is getting help with her adversities
Father
allowing her to wear the yoga pants to school
was not going to happen
i went through two years of heartache
the constant phone calls from school
she is not dressed in uniform

as she was returning back to school this year
i was promised no problems
and she goes to school this morning
with utter hatred in her eyes
while i was on the phone with her father
letting him know what was going on
she left without a kiss and love you mom

i am weak and the added stress is killing me slowly
what else other than pray
i have seen her more than half way
i am lost
i feel i am loosing her slowly
the pressure is overwhelming tiring
her father just called
conversation was brief

my head wants to explode
literally from the headache
coffee isn't cutting it

i just want to scream
oh Father
i just want to scream
my body is broken
my mind i am loosing
my Spirit broken
hanging on with my Faith
blessings i thank you for
me

The more you give the more she will take
 

Eva you do everything and more for your children and I suspect sadly they have come to expect and dare I say rely on you to give your all and more. This I wonder, really wonder if this is what gives your youngest strength and ammunition to continue to rebel and deliver to you what she thinks is the ultimate "so there". Maybe you could join her, just hang out with her and behave as she does, don't make a big thing about it, just do it. Take a break from yourself, give your body and mind a holiday from your usual pattern of behaviours and thoughts. I don't mean abandon her or all that you have striven for, just let her experience a sliver of life without your parental input, you have little to lose my dear.

Eva,

Can't help but wonder if the communication with her dad really helps or does your talking with him about her only work to move her even further away from you.

Please let her know I really do care about her and know she can, if she wants, have a wonderful life ahead for herself.

Gerry

Hi Gerry,
This is Corissa and my mom showed me what you just wrote and the relationship with my father isn't very good he barley knows anything about me but he works and yes financially he gets me things like the phone and my pants as far as my father i don't even look at him as like a parent because my respect for him isn't all there the reason my mom gets the looks is because she is the only one here and honestly I'm not a morning person but I know I have a attitude and I'm working on it

Thank you for being there for my mom
Hope all is well
Corissa

Corissa, you have shown a great deal of maturity. You are so fortunate to have your Mom's love. She has and will always be there for you.

Believe in yourself Corissa; you are very "special.


Gerry

dear sweet Gerry

my thanks to you
she responded
that's my hope
dearest friend
in the bigger picture
her dad had no clue she was going to use them for school
the ones i purchased for her
in the last two years were long gone
therefor not a problem
her phone i want her to be at a
healthy place with it
know proper etiquette
certainly no inappropriate photos
and conversation
it is my job to help her see this
not anything to do with dad
that morning i was not going to be the
bad guy no escaping that
but wanted it not to be hearsay
she was not ever going to use her
father like putting us up against each other
via Corissa's fully aware what she was doing
and i wasn't having it
i'm hoping this will be another
way of getting to really know him
she decides what kind of relationship
she wants with him
Gerry i very much do Understand your
very important valid concern
and you input taken well
means much more than you'll ever know
you care about my Corissa
what a wonderful thing
keeping you close to heart
may your well wishes
come back ten fold
with love my dear friend
you have been and continue to be
instrumental in my life
many thanks
God Bless You and your Family
me

feeling less than
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

i have come to the time i must
accept
it is what it is
no returning to work
ever
my medical insurance
will terminate as i am not able
so hes puts it (mayor)
i cannot approve a fourth
leave with the intent to return to work
one day
as it has been one to many days
out
i have never felt the emptiness
this hollow feeling of not
having work
a productive part of society
a purpose
and now
what

forcing myself
 

Father

you know my intent
to get the decorations out
our tradition
getting out the original
ornaments
my daughter and her husband
will do the job
Eva and Corissa will be surprised
this will make me very happy
my body in pain as the weather
is just attacking it
it kills today and yesterday rain
cold monster pain
but i must make it happen
slowly she says
all have a beautiful
Blessed day
me

getting ready
 

Father

allow us to get this home in
happy holiday Spirit
Saturday
Amen
blessings

Eva,
I have had to lessen decorations; it is easier to put up; but so much harder to take down and put away. But; the most important decoration I do make sure to put out is the crib with Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

It is surprising how just a few decorations here and there can still make a beautiful Christmas. Maybe less can be more in your case as well.

Pray you and your family will see the beauty in your surroundings during Christmas time.:smileypray::smileypray:


Gerry

dearest Gerry

you read my mind
i thought the same
thanks for caring
and sharing
lots of Love
blessings you way
me

blessings
 

a happy Thanksgiving
to all
love
me

What a spread my daughter...
 

Father

As only you know

It was such a cluster fudge
Babies mother went off and left
in a horrible way
My son gets wind he decides not to
show up with his boyfriend

Should I have expected any differently
Yes
I have my grandchild and other family
who expected happiness

Ohh how sad

Job I guess well done
They were happy

Blessings hurting

Me

Father
 

i have no clue what your plan is for me
i come to You with everything
and I thank You despite the hard trials
i have come to understand much
and it is minuscule to what my Brother
had to endure
i try to muster up the strength to move forward
a daughter who should be a mother to her daughter
not her her and her
and all the after effects fall on my door step
Father
i never imagined this would have been such
a difficult choice
i have watched my granddaughter
whenever needed
that has been four years just from pregnancy time
i have been on this road with her since seventh grade
You know what my road has been like thus far
it was your plan
every person that ever came in my life
just in passing all Your plan
as i tried to be a responsible person was a hard lesson
at the expense of my loved ones
Sobriety it's a Good thing
i know there will be those who will understand
the magnitude of that statement
therefore
i am blessed to have been an alcoholic
as 20 plus years
and i understand that today is the most
important day
confusion riddles my brain
to have lived a life such as mine
i can't help but wonder
this is all for what
unhappiness is a way of life
have i tried to live happiness
or intent of happiness
that comes in many forms
therefore even if intent of kindness overlooked
because of ones narcissistic personality that
has an addiction problem that caused her to loose the baby
it hurts so badly to hear the baby cry for her mother when
being reared and she will get upset
it won't be her father because he picks her up
and takes her out
Father You know how i feel about thanksgiving
and for her mother pulled
wanting to sleep rather than entertain her child
she left her child for a place to sleep

my eldest beside herself
could not contain herself
and i'm in the room playing with
her and the t.v. turned up

this all your plan
had some limited time to figure
that out
one thing it is her mommy and she wants to play with her

THIS IS WHEN MY ELDEST JUMPED IN
AFTER HEARING ENOUGH BULL TURD THAT WAS
BEING FED TO HER
she tried to contain herself
i know i couldn't
she is so sweet
knowing things were going
she deserves much happiness in her life
she is someone special
blessed by my eldest
we have been through just so much

i pray in Jesus name
Amen
and to all trying to keep me afloat
from my being with the understanding
of happiness
happiness is my goal
me

Blest Am I
 

That I can log on here and return once more to share appreciation for continued thoughts posted,
That life allows a moment, if even just a moment, to be her to give,
That work is doable.....and the blessings its rewards bring to my family is helping us to reclaim our lives,
That pain, although still part of life, is livable,
That love abounds in this place

Appreciatively,
M56 :grouphug:

Feeling Blessed Today
 

Yup.....another moment I can come say "howdy do!"
Tree, lights, decorations and such up. Last evening my darlin' surprised me with a new snow globe to replace the one accidentally broken by our 25 year old when he was 2. This globe is very much like the other was....a mountain village scene, a train which circles the village then disappears into a tunnel, Santa and sleigh circling overhead....you get the idea. A cool snow globe.
Yup, I feel blessed.
M56 :)

what a surprise
it is something we love also
not a decoration in sight
must do it for Eva and Corissa
have no help
but i know myself
i'll get upset enough
and wind up doing it
that feeling isn't there yet
hoping to feel a twitch
we too love snow globes

Eva, I too have not a decoration in sight, but I have people staying here so that's been my excuse. They will leave tomorrow morning and I am going to drag the big box of all my Xmas decorations out from the junkroom to the living room and dig deep into my reserves to delve into the box repeatedly as I go back n forth getting things out and create a festive scene!
WHAT am I saying....
I'm going to get the big box stored in the junk room moved to the living room today;
Im going to ask one of the guests to do it;
I'm going to ask each of them to select an item or two from the box and display it somewhere appropriate in the house;
I'm going to leave the box where it's placed until it's emptied of all decorations;
I'm going to ask every visitor who comes to the house in the next week to select an item or two from the box and display it until the box empties;
I'm going to ask the last visitor to place the then empy box back in the junk room ready for when it's next needed (28 days from now)
I'm going to be kind to myself this year;
I'm going to allow other people to help me;
I'm going to grow and become a better person and gracefully accept I need to ask for help;
I'm going to accept people are not mind readers, they don't know what I need doing if I don't speak up and ask;
I'm going to accept not every one is like me, tuned to every situation occurring around me and intuitively knowing when someone needs helping;
I'm going to surprise myself and do nothing other than ask for help;

dear PamelaJune

thank you for reminding me of the situation at hand
i do have a problem asking for help
as i do i am let down most of the time
being a control freak blessed with OCD
erring to the the side of all neat everything has a home
but this is me
i need to work on controlling myself
myself only
i am up against evil
depression set in hard
i would love to shake this self pity
i wish i could remember that each day is a gift from God
i am carrying to much turd that isn't even mine to carry
yet it affects me as it is my family
a ill family
and things were harder when our father blew himself away
our mother shunned us
and was that narcissistic person
there was a moment
i was about 8 months pregnant at a bingo game
my mothers oldest friend my aunt here vacationing
i sitting across from them
and i hear my mother
mind you i'm 38 years old
and she says
"if i had to do it all over having children i wouldn't"
it didn't matter i was a grown woman who superseded
in many ways being a single strong woman raising 4 children by myself
no trophies please
i had a job to do and did my very best no help
from my family
and when i say family
99% of all my lineage reside where my history
of family is in Hungary no contact with them
my mother
my two younger sisters
one has my nephew
my youngest sister 45 years old
single no children
and my four children
we are it
not doing well
a mother estranged from two of her three girls
it is my youngest sister who is still in contact with her
oh how her man and his family make her happy
kicked her kids to the curb
when she sold the house both my parents bought
and that be that
oh you wonder why am i in the past
Christmas growing up there was ALWAYS a huge
fight between our parents
and i started our own tradition
well known to my family
only my own family is in all sorts of turmoil
where am i going with all this
i asked for help and it isn't taken seriously
and they have better things to do i guess
i have not had company i can't remember
my last guest
no true friends
the God parent for Corissa said to me fourteen years ago
i cannot be i you life to many negative things going on
only to find out she had a black 3rd child and gave him up for adoption an Irish redhead with two boys already
we became very close as she came into my waitress years
and i took her under my wing
and she had split from her husband
history
just an example
i have not made any close friends since
i had just delivered Corissa
and this is when my troubled child who made me
a mother all over as i have custody
and she seems to be very comfortable with the arrangements

and life goes on
never know when something is up that screws up
what we put together
i don't want what happened Thanksgiving
to roll over into Christmas
my depression is enough
something i want out of my being
so many changes just in my life alone
there is much i need to do
and being mostly single all my life
except for a short lived marriage
my goal happy feelings
i miss feeling happy
thank you for you insight and upbeat Spirit
the tubs have been out for a week
still on the fence about opening up memories
all ornaments made and are original each year a new one
is added so PamelaJune it too is emotional
i will adopt your outlook and be conscious to apply it
God bless you and all you love
what a wonderful way of getting the box to empty out
love
me
thanks

it's almost twelve midnight
 

took your suggestion
with my 16 year old help
so what i accomplished was
to put things away so that we can
put out the moving animals
so many kinds
so many buttons to push
i can't wait to see her face
then i asked my eldest
if she could help with the tree
she said yes
i got my buttocks and moved
till i couldn't any more
tomorrow another day
Eva didn't ask why the wall unit
was being cleared of all pictures
that's a good thing
as mom and dad take her Tuesday
to see Santa
i can put the creatures out
for her then
so thank you
ima hurting
it will be well worth it
me

Father i am angry
 

at you
you know how much was done yesterday with the help of Corissa
and You bless me with another flood
this morning in Corissa's bathroom on the twentieth floor
a Major flood from the shower above
it made its into Corissa's room under the laminate floors i had put down
also made its way out the bathroom door into the tiny hall and into the living room under the laminate the size i would guess
about 5' x 5' really bad damage
this is a third time i incurred water damage
first time i ever put in a claim on my renters shortly after i moved in
then
i moved to the bigger apartment another flood
my agent said it would be to soon to put in another claim
that was that
i thought to myself
have had renters since 1984
and used it the first time
both times the building at fault
and again today
the third time fans are on it
but its really bad
and where the floors are managed
i'll put a area rugs down
i can change them
once warped the damage done
Father you know what i did
only for this turd to happen
i will say
thank you Jesus
thank you Father
thank you Jesus
thank you Father
me

Yeah
 

Accepting help is a needful thing. Some of us arrive at the point where we cannot do we once did. It can be a prideful thing. I felt it. Depending on others for physical stuff I can no longer do unles I want to hurt myself.... Arghhhh.

I hope each of you, PamelaJune and Eva receive the help you need to survive joyfully through the Christmas season. AND Eva ..... The flood? Oh why, oh why????

Friends here suffered a burst pipe in an upstairs bathroom.... They did not lose precious mementos, yet most of the interior of the home was detrimentally harmed... Walls, floors, cabinets, kitchen appliances. It will be months before they can live at home again. Water piping is SO susceptible to failure.

Eva, I pray you will be able so dry out and save much of the special laminate floor. I know how hard it was for you to get it in the first place!

Prayin blessings for ya,
M56 :hug: :grouphug: