Cindy, thanks for the title of the book. I am going to Amazon right now. Hugs!

Sally:

My friend is my age, 60. She has 3 children. One is 500 lbs, the 30 year son is 250, and the other son is over 300. she has enabled these adult children by feeding them every weekend. Everything is always done at Mom's house. I am the godmother to the oldest. I have been an honorary member of that family since I was 13. I was the one that they called to find a dentist for the 88 year old mother.

I was the one who gave them my son's bedroom set for the grandchild. Many holidays, (and when her husband had an affair, who do you think she turned to for solace??) over 35 years ago.

So when the basement apartment became available. (Oh, guess why it became available?, because she was letting her daughter-in-law's brother who was an ex con and an addict live there for $300 a month). It became available because he broke into her house, went up to her bedroom and robbed her. She, of course refused to press charges. She felt bad for the guy.

So when the basement apartment became available (I had already seen it, I had been down there during parties in their back yard, well it seemed perfect for me and my husband. I approached her and said "would you please discuss this with your two sisters because all of you own this house together. She said 'no problem" She did discuss this and all agreed to it. She said to me, and I quote: "Melody, the apartment is yours, during the next backyard party, you can show your husband, but you've seen it, and it's perfect for you". I said "I'll make it a palace, I'll paint and fix it up, it will be fun, and I can check on your mom upstairs while we are doing this. She said 'how fun is this?" Then I started to cry and she cried and she said "I've never seen you cry over losing your son and I said "I thought I would be homeless because our rent is so high, because Alan lost his security job". (you following me yet??). Then that is when she told me 'you will have a key to the front door, I'll buy you a stove, oh, the rent will be $400. I said "No, I'll pay you $500 because it comes with electricity, and I knew it had an airconditioner.

We made a deal, we hugged on it. and I went home. When she announced this to her family, that was the first time, that they told her that the 30 year old wanted it. She said 'but he has an apartment, what are you talking about?" That's when the 500 lb daughter screamed "hang up on her". (that's also when I lost all respect for the daughter, who by the way is 28 years old.

That's when I said 'do you want me to come on Thursday and we can talk about it. And she said "please". See, I thought she would turn to her family and say "hey, wait a minute, this is Aunti Mel we are talking about. She and her husband are on Social Security, my son is 30, has a job, has a nice apartment, HE DOESN'T NEED TO MOVE. But you see, she never did that.

Oh, I ran into her daughter in law a year later, and she ran out of the car and said "Barbara treated you shamelessly, her son doesn't want to grow up, he didn't need any apartment, and shame on her for what she did to you". I said nothing because I didn't want to come between Barbara and her daughter in law.

But when all this went down, I did indeed expect someone to phone me, someone to make it right. By the way, Barbara and I had a mutual friend who lived three doors down the block from Barbara. We've al known each other for 30 years.

My friend Elaine was very sick and I told her 'don't get involved, you have to take care of yourself". Well, one day, (about a week after all this went down and Elaine knew the whole story, she knew I offered Barbara $500, she knew I was getting a key to the front door, she knew they were putting in a new stove for me, Well, when Barbara went down the block to visit Elaine, she walked into Elaine's house and started crying.

Elaine (who knew I didn't want her to get in the middle), said to Barbara. What is the matter? and Barbara looked up at the air and exclaimed. "Why can't people understand that my family and I are very close"???

Elaine then said "why don't you contact Melody, I'm sure she and you can clear this up, why not write her a letter?" Barbara put her head down and shook her head and said "I can't do that". Then she looked up defiantly and said "And besides, there was no mention of rent, I never promised her anything".

THAT IS THE REASON I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER. Elaine was saying inside her head: "what the heck is this woman lying to me about, I know for a fact that Melody offered her $500 and she was getting the key.

See, Barbara did not know that Elaine had all the facts. Barbara did not tell her children all the facts. Barbara said absolutely nothing. SHE NEVER DOES.

They get away with everything. She paid off their bills, she gives them money, well anyway, this is her business, that's not what I am upset about.

She knew that my husband had lost his job, that my son (her godson), was lost to us, she had made an arrangement with me for the actual amount of rent and we hugged and it was a deal. It was set for us to move in by June 1. IT WAS A DEAL.!!!

Then all her kid had to say was "I want the basement apartment because I don't want to walk by my girlfriend's neighborhood??"

Listen Sally, this is not how you raise adult children. You give them a foundation, and then you let them grow up and grow OUT.. You dont bail them out every five minutes, and epecially when you give your word to a family friend, a friend of 46 years, that they were indeed going to move into a new apartment.

I absolutely don't understand how you dont' see this as a betrayal. To me, it's betrayal in the highest sense.

It's like the whole family kicked me to the curb. I spent 4 hours talking to the Elderplan lady for them and the next week, I didn't exist. Why on earth would I want to re-establish a relationship with a person I could never trust.

Her word means nothing. And a person's word should mean EVERYTHING.

Oh, one more thing. When we were younger, (I must have been 24), her husband drove me home from a backyard party they were having. We had a great time. He was tipsy. Not too tipsy to drive (he is now a full blown alcoholic, never home, goes away for days at a time. She has never addressed this. Well, I never told her that he made a pass at me. I would never do that to anyone.

He left her a week later for another woman, and I consoled her. I never told her what he did to me. He returned a week later and all was forgiven. I never brought it up, and I never will. It would destroy her.

See, I'm a much more loyal friend than she could ever be.

I don't wish her anything bad in her life, but I could never feel the same way about her. I just don't trust her after she lied to our friend.

And I never asked any of our mutual friends to think this way or that way. They all tried to get us back together. When I told them the facts, they had a hard time believing that she would do such a thing. They would say "maybe you got it wrong, maybe she didn't promise you the apartment". I said "what the heck do you think, I'm giving you a key to the front door, I'm buying you a stove, you can move in June 1st.....well, if that's not giving you an apartment, I'd certainly like to know what is.

But I know where many mothers are coming from. It's a blood thing. Moms and their chldren. No one can come between them. She believes that if she didn't let her son take the basement apartment, that he wouldn't talk to her after that. That could have never happened. I know this kid since he was born.

Oh, that's another thing, he never called me and said "Listen Auntie Mel, I'm so sorry, I don't want any bad feelings between you and my mom, please what can I do". No one ever said that.

I am so sick and tired of people not being accountable for their actions, I cannot tell you.

Just my take on it.

Hi Braingonebad:

Thanks for the kind words.

I just replied to Sally (who completely disagrees with my way of thinking in this matter). I clarified quite a bit. Read my response to her and let me know what you think.

I know for a fact that my former friend does not want to patch anything up. She had major chances to do such and she refused. She believes if she takes care of her adult children, that when she is 80, they will take her in. Her daughter has already told her "if you think I'm going to take care of you the way you take care of your mother, well you are out of your mind".

This is a daughter??? Oh my god.

Oh, Melody, I'm sorry. I do understand the hurt. The only thing I can't understand is, that, in 46 years she didn't show herself to be a disloyal friend and all of a sudden she does.

I was assuming that she had been a true blue friend for all that time, but, certainly, you must have seen this side of her before, when it comes to her family.

Is this the first time this kind of thing has happened or could this have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

I was basing my response on the relationship I have with my friend and I shouldn't have done that. All relationships are different and with different circumstances.

Please forgive me for jumping to conclusions..

Sally:

Don't worry,no offense was taken. But I'll be quite honest. She and I have never had a fight in 46 years of friendship. She was a brilliant student when we were back in high school.

Her father was abusive and her mother (well, not the brightest bulb on the block). Actually her parents were second cousins. Three children (all very different from each other). She and I became friends in freshman year of high school. We stayed friends. We were each other maid and matron of honor and we baptized each other's childen.

She is a very quiet person. A good listener. But the neighbors stopped coming over because of the way she kept (or should I say "didn't keep" her home. I believe that when her husband left her for another woman, well something broke. That was over 35 years ago. She was very heavy at the time and the ultimately lost a great deal of weight but put it back. She is a family type of person. Actually I based raising my son on how she raised her kids. You know, friends over all the time, a homemaker kind of person. She married at age 21, and I married at age 32 so I watched and learned.

I went there all the time, and had them over. I spent every single Thanksgiving since i'm 24 years old at that house. Some Christmases and New Years. All block parties, and backyard barbecues. We never had a fight because there was no reason to. And we used to go out to dinner with the girls on Saturday night but she said she felt guilty. We never understood why because her husband was an alcoholic and stayed away for days at a time. Lots of self esteem issues going on here. When her daughter reached 500 lbs, well, you would think someone would do SOMETHING. I would speak to her and she would say "I can't talk to her, she doesn't listen". Of course she couldn't talk to her, she weighed over 300 lbs herself. It's al this self hatred I think. If you don't like yourself, you medicate with food. I would go there every week to play grandma with her kids and our friend's would come over and share all their grandkids and we'd have a ball. Then one of our friends came down with cancer and I'd go there and help over there. We were all friends. No fighting. Not our style. There was nothing to disagree about.

So you can imagine, after ALL THESE YEARS, when she did not step up to the plate, well. (oh, I forgot to mention one of the conversations we had after she did what she did).

She had phoned me and I said "do you know what you did to me and to my husband, and then she said 'yes I do". And after I asked her "you can't say NO to your kids can't you?" and she said 'NO I CAN'T". Then I said 'you don't communicate very well do you?" and she said "no I don't you do it much better than me".

That's about as close to an argument as you can call it. There's no OOMPH to her. Hasn't been any for YEARS!! I see that now.

She went back to college at age 50 and got her Masters Degree. Her husband thought it was nonsense but I rooted for her. I was proud. I thought she would then go and get a job as a teacher. She did nothing. She got her masters degree and did nothing with it. I never understood.

But after she went back on her word and after our mutual friend saw her crying in the living room and she asked her 'can't you just write Melody a letter expressing yourself?" and she just shook her head. THIS IS WHAT I FORGOT TO MENTION. My friend said to her "can't you just humble yourself and admit you made a mistake and apologize?"

That's when she looked up and said "no I can't and besides nothing was final, there was no mention of rent". That's when my friend said in her mind. "Why the heck is she lying, I know the whole story".

See, you think you can trust people and ultimately (in some cases) you ultimately find out that you can't. My husband almost had a nervous breakdown when I came home and told him we lost the apartment. He had just lost his job and was on zoloft. He was going through a terrible depression over our son. We had seen light at the end of the tunnel.

But I'll be quite honest. This ultimately has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BASEMENT APARTMENT. This has EVERYTHING TO DO with a friend not being a friend, not showing up at my home the next day and apologizing.

See, if it was the other way around and I found my self in her shoes (and believe, I don't enable anyone, so I could never be in her shoes) but let's just say for argument's sake that I was in her shoes, this is how I would have handled it.

Let's say that I promised someone a basement apartment, and the next day, my 30 year old son was kicked out of his apartment, lost his job and had no where to go. THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY REASON I WOULD EVER EVEN THINK OF GOING BACK ON MY WORD.

But you see, she had bedrooms upstairs, (where her adult children used to live. He could have moved right back in there. He was always there anyway. They had breakfast together and every weekend everybody is there.

So I would have kept my word and put my kid back upstairs in his room.

But let's say there was no room upstairs and I felt I really had no choice but to give my son the basement apartment. (now remember, this is not the house my friend lived in, this is the other house she owned, and her 88 year old mother lived on the first floor), and I had agreed to look out for her mother. I mean, I knew the woman for 46 years. I went to all the weddings, the graduations, the funerals. They were my family.

If I found that I had no choice, believe me the next day, I would have grabbed my son and said "get your car, we are going over to Auntie Mel, I have to break some news to her, but we are family and I want to do right by her, I don't want to break up a friendship".

But you see, my intelligent, quiet girlfriend did not do that. She did not have the guts to do that.

She should have done that. Everything would have been very different.

And believe me, everytime I imagine being on the other end of the phone and I hear the daughter yelling "HANG UP ON HER", my blood ran cold. It was like 'they thought I was less than nothing.".

Ever feel like less than nothing??? It's not a nice feeling.

So I just erased her from my existence as she has done to me.

Things happen and you have to go on. She now has no friends left. The two friends we mutually had have died. We both attended the funerals but at different times.

How sad. To know someone and a whole family experience, and then to all have it go away. Very tragic.

Oh well, tomorrow my husband faces surgery.

Let's all cross our fingers and toes.

Thanks for the nice words.

Hey, Melody, I read your posts and have been thinking about all you've said. Your original question was about whether the book I mentioned might be helpful to you; I'm not so sure. The book is about friendships that end without warning or explanation; the disappearing act that leaves one devastated and wandering in clueless emotional circles.

You didn't say how long it has been since your disagreement with your oldest bud, but I want to say to you that while I would have been pretty upset as you were, I am pretty certain that I'd forgive such a great friend and work at my best to restore the friendship.

If the friendship is still as valuable to you as I suspect it is, it seems worth the effort to try to save it. I recently lost a friend who I honestly believed would be a lifetime friend to me. Before I could even think of letting go, I did my level best to get her to communicate with me in any way she would. It didn't work out for us but now, at least, I can sleep at night knowing that I tried my best to fix things and my best simply wasn't good enough.

I think you still love your friend and probably miss her. We can't flip a switch and turn off our love for our friends but we can make an honest attempt to save a relationship that means so much to us. All the events that hurt you and disappointed you did not change who you are or who she is, is she worth it to you? She would be to me, to at least try to save such a treasured friendship.

Hi. I'm going to be qute honest. I brought more to the friendship than she ever did. While we never had a fight, (how could we, she never talked that much), I was a FAMILY friend just as much as I WAS HER FRIEND. I don't know if you can understand that. When I went there I would gab more with her kids and her family than I would gab with her. That's the kind of person she was. I enjoyed going there and playing grandma, but I can't remember when we actually sat down and had a conversation (one on one). She doesn't communicate very well. I miss the FAMILY aspect more than I MISS HER!!!! Can you understand what I mean when I say this.

I'll give you an example. My parents died in 1995. When I phoned her, she started to cry. I said "why on earth are you crying? and she said "well, I'm thinking of my mom and dad, they are getting old too". Her father was a horrible excuse for a father, very abusive and her mother was not a bright person. She never said "i'm sorry that you lost your mother". So we said exactly two words, and I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks. I called her up and said 'what the heck kind of friend doesn't come or see or call someone when they lose a parent? She said 'you're right, I'm not a good friend". Then there was nothing. I always had to keep the conversation going. Ever had that happen to you? It gets very boring after a while. When only one person keeps up the conversation.

But she was given ample opportunity to contact me and make it right. She sat in our mutual friend's house and hung her head. She would not pick up a phone or write a letter.

And when her daughter said "HANG UP ON HER', and she did nothing, well, I don't see any friendship being salvaged here. She doesn't know how to be a friend. I'm being perfectly honest. I had more fun with her FAMILY and grandkids, than I did with her. I actually went there one thursday and we said nothing the whole day. She doesn't know how to communicate. This is a person with a master's degree??? I don't get it. and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to renew such a relationship. I would never feel comfortable in her presence.

I do know however, what it is like to grow apart in a friendship. I had a friend from when I was 22. We went on vacations, we went to discos, we double dated. But neither of us drives. and she never married.

We just lost touch. Haven't seen her in over 20 years. She's older than me. I have no idea what we would talk about. I've been through such things with my son and with my husband's health, that we really don't have anything in common. We stopped sending cards and now there is nothing.

I have nothing against her, but to me, a friend is a person who brings SOMETHING to the relationship.

I'll give you an example. I had a neighbor friend (I believe I mentioned this), we've been friends for 10 years, sitting outside on the porch with all the neighbors for over 10 years.

She invited me to go shopping with her. We did that for a long time. Then she told me her husband doesn't want her chauffering anyone around. I said "well, dont tell him, we live around the corner from each other. We can go shopping, and you can drop me off at the corner and then drive around to your house". She said "oh, I can imagine Joe learning about that!!!!"

This is a 65 year old woman who cares that her husband doesn't want her to chauffeur anyone around??? OH, but she can call me last week and get me to explain diabetes and insulin to her and explain how everything works and she thanked me for being nice enough to explain everything to her. But I'm not good enough to chauffeur around?? I do not understand this woman.

Oh, and get this. She knew my husband was being operated on February 21. We spoke about this last week. She asked me "how on earth are you getting to the hospital?" I said "by cab, obviously, and by access-a-ride on the way back". Do you think she has called me even once to inquire about my husband.

No, people today are way different than 40 or so years ago.

I have other friends, thank goodness for that. Not family, but I do have friends. I have to count my blessings.

So I thank you for your wise advise, but my friendship with Barbara is quite over. I do not respect her and when that's gone, well, it's just gone.

bye for now,

Melody