[crytears]

Hi...I'm needing input from others.
I'm a stay at home person because of health issues, disabilities and don't get out much.
So going somewhere...ANYWHERE is a treat for me.
My husband works here in the house, holes up in a room across from our bedroom. He comes out only to eat or use bathroom, usually keeps his door closed as he needs total concentration while he's working.
He engineers 911 systems for the big M company and when he travels he rents a SUV...so I don't bug him or bother him unless is urgent.
Yesterday he announced he needed to go into town to get a rental, is 15+ miles there, windy country roads most of the way.
He came out of his home office said "im going into town get a rental car, I'll be back in an hour"...I said "hey, can I go along with you?"...he looked at me sternly and asked "Why do you want to go?"
I was floored by this...actually was shocked that he would question me as to why I wanted to go. I felt like a little child being grilled and questioned as to why on earth I would want to go!
I said "Because I wanted to spend a little time with you, thats why"!...then I got very upset, told him "forget it! I'll stay home, don't want to be with someone who's not interested in taking me and that I had to beg to go along"!
I was very angry and upset by this...he claims was just an innocent question, wanted to know why I wanted to go along.
This happens a lot...my asking if I can tag along, he usually says he's just gonna be gone a few minutes anyway, why bother!
He's gone a lot, but sometimes I go with him as we usually stay at some pretty swanky places with the project pays for it...sometimes at the Westin and usually at the Marriotts.
He's a quiet type person, engineer clear down to the bone!
I know for certain he's not having any affairs on me...he claims he loves me all the time...but when he does things like this, it really makes me feel very distant from him and feel HE should be begging ME to go along, spend time with him! He works about 10 hours a day, goes into his home office often by 6AM, doesn't come out till 6PM...sometimes in there till 10PM only comes out for lunch and supper if/when I fix any.
Please tell me what you think...would you feel hurt if this happend to you?
I've asked 2 of my freinds...they say their husband would NEVER EVER had questioned why and would never said anything negative regarding their wanting to tag along.
This has made me feel like I'm not wanted, that I'm not worth having around.
My self esteeme is pretty low because of being unhealthy, feel I'm such a burden to everyone.
I'm very lonley too...I used to have 2 people here in these forums write to me, but even they no longer want me...talk about having your heart cut out!
Seems no one wants me!
What do you think? How would you have felt if you got the same reaction to wanting to just tag along?
Thanks, cheryl

[Alffe]

I just wanted to leave you a hug Cheryl. *whisper...my eyes glazed over when you said he was an engineer.

[Doody]

Hi ((Cheryl)). I don't know him well enough to judge, but knowing me...I personally would have been upset. But I know that my daughter and son-in-law occasionally do that. But then they have a little almost 3 year old to deal with getting in and out of the car seat.

And knowing myself...I'd probably be on the computer 'spying' on his activities, LOL.

But I think it sounds like he loves you very much and you know him better than we do. Could you sit and have a calm conversation with him about it, rather than get angry?

I'm so sorry you feel out of the loop.

[Junie]

Hi Cheryl
Thats exactly the reaction I now get from hubby and most of my sisters, like I have become a leper and am no longer any fun. You are not alone and I like you know mine is not messing around, sometimes I think he is trying to protect me from a bumpy road but they have no idea of how it makes us feel, like we have been kicked to the curbed by the people that are supposed to love us the most! I quit asking and now if I have a good day I just leave and take my faithful furbaby and let them wonder where I might be!!
Hang in there, I am sure there are many of us out there but many don't want to admit or think about it but they are there!
Hang in there!

[greta]

I can't judge whether you're right to be upset or not. IMHO, guys say a lot of stupid things because they don't think and they don't realize that we're going to overanalyze it 7 ways until Sunday.

Why not wait until you're calm and then talk about spending some real together time - a date night or something. Talk to him about how isolated you feel - that you know that he needs to focus on work, but that you'd like to feel a part of the outside world too. One last thing - do you have any outside interests or friends that can get you out of the house? It sounds like you need it and relying on one person for all that can be hard for them - maybe you could start trying to meet people you can get out with.

[Jomar]

Tell him you get "cabin fever" sometimes and just need to go out to see some different sights.

If you aren't able to drive yourself anywhere he should understand that everyone needs to get out of the house once in awhile.

Everyone should make & take some special time for their loved ones- isn't that the point of having a partner???

[lor]

I agree with what jo55 said. Tell him even a simple trip in the car, like that, is nice/sorta fun for you since you can't get out of the house too often.

[MelodyL]

Hi.

I wrote something previously, but I just edited it. It wasn't proper in this type of post. I'm just going to address your husband's behavior.

He's completely clueless as to your needs. The fact that he holes himself up in his room for all these hours (by himself), and is an engineer, well, it tells me one thing.

This guy has a possible diagnosis of Aspergers going on.

Click on this and you'll learn all about it.

http://theemergencesite.com/Tech/Tec...rgers-Big4.htm

It's not the most terrible thing to have. It's just that people with Aspergers do not like to be sociable. They are into themselves, and many are enginners, computer people who are perfectly content to be alone, and work alone. It's just how their brains work.

They are often married to opposites who take very good care of them, and they simply like to be left alone to do their work. Oh, they'll come out for meals, come out for bedtime, they have normal sex drives, THEY JUST ARE NOT COMFORTABLE HAVING COMPANY OVER THE HOUSE, and sitting and shooting the breeze on the porch.

To them, this is an inefficient way to spent time.

It's a very mild form of autism. It's mostly men. 99% of them are men.

Most men are never diagnosed. It was discovered by Hans Asperger in 1944 and it's named after him.

It has been said that Bill Gates and Albert Einstein had Aspergers.

My son has it by the way. In his case it took him away from us and he spends 100% of his day on the computer and in a virtual reality world.

There are millions of woman like you, married to guys who don't get it.

Now how can you MAKE HIM GET IT!!!!

Ah, that's the bonus.

YOU CAN.

It takes a lot of determination.

Let me know what you think about what I just wrote, and I'll give you some tips in a private message.

I even have my own forum on parents of kids with aspergers.

People with Aspergers just need to be handled differently.

And it helps when you know they have it VERY EARLY IN THE MARRIAGE.

But all is not lost.

Believe me, all is not lost.

Melody

[FranksAngel]

cheryl

i am sorry your having a rough time right now ... sounds to me that a little one on one communication is needed ... remember that each day one of you is having to face the question of "what can i / can't i do today" while at the same time the other is facing the question of "how can i make things easier/ less stressful" sometimes these to very simple issues can cause hurt feelings ... also, when you guys do talk and you feel he is saying one thing but maybe meaning another ask him.... dont just assume that that is what he means ... and let him know how you're feeling... chances are he isn't aware of how you feel about your life at this moment ... without communication though .... how can he ...
my thoughts and prayers are with you .... keep us posted .... you have friends here