[Broken_Medic]

I'm new here. First of all, I hope I'm in the right area to be bringing up this thread. A brief history...I am a 50y/o male. In the summer of 2007 I had finally had enough, and went to a pain doc. I was a Paramedic/911 Dispatcher for 23 years. I started out fine, but never got the common sense to get out of the business before 35. Just loved doing the job. I know I was tearing up my back, and hips, and neck. So finally, in the fall of 2000, I did it up good trying to stop a 350lb. isolet from falling off a ramp. No baby inside Anyway, I avoided surgery, went to rehab, and yep, went right back to doing the job.

Long story short, in summer of 2007, just couldn't take it anymore, and sought out a pain doc. He labeled me disabled that day. I knew it was going to happen. Just never wanted to hear it. I filed for disability and got it my first time around. Everything seemed a bit better. More grounded. Suppose at this time (maybe earlier?) I met my current wife ( was married younger, total mess, no brains) in 2001 and we married that same year. In 2003 our first of three boys was born. They are ages 9, 7, and 5. I was dubbed Mr. Mom in 2008, an was on a fairly good program for my back. But.....the pain just wouldn't let up. I have went through the system of pumps, needles, inseertions, and pretty much every major narcotic we have out there.

Things started getting "noticeably" bad in 2009, when I couldn't find a happy place. Things just seemed to be falling in on me from all sides. Ya, the wife was concerned, helpful, and compassionate, for the first few years. But, as we all know, if you don't suffer from chronic pain, it's real hard to grasp the moods we go through. But, we kept trying to find a medium that kept us stable. Then the straw started bending. The Wife became tired and frustraded with her job. She was a nurse when we met. After a few years going to school on the laptop, she received her Bachelor's degree and moved up. Problem was, they didn't honor her with the proper pay. So, she started looking for a manager's job at hospitals. I grew up in Michigan. Been there all my life. She accepted a job in Delaware. Dela...where??? Anyway, I did not like the idea (I am a gun, hunter, kinda guy), but I was supportive. That was 3 months ago. All this move has done is to bring us to the realization that we don't really get along much anymore. We got married, started having kids, and never really had time to get to know each other as we should have before having kids.

So, now(I know...FINALLY!!) come to the origin of my question. I don't need to tell ya'll my SSD $$. Doesn't matter. My question is, If anyone has first hand knowledge, wnat happens with my SSD bennies in the event of a divorce. We haven't thrown in the towell yet, but it seems looming. The reason we came out to Delaware was her offer. She is making real good money, and likes her job. She could live very comfortably if on her own. We have been married for 10 years/3 months. I receive extra money for the kids as long as they live with me. And the way it looks, they would most likely come with me. My main question is , would she get any of my bennies if we divorced? Either with, or without the children living in my house. I know that if it ges the route of her having custody, I lose that extra pay for the kids. Also wondering though if she get's money from my bennies if I am on my own, without custody?

For anyone still reading, thank you for your patience. I am a talker (typer also...i guess )
Paul

[Janke]

Originally Posted by Broken_Medic

I'm new here. First of all, I hope I'm in the right area to be bringing up this thread. A brief history...I am a 50y/o male. In the summer of 2007 I had finally had enough, and went to a pain doc. I was a Paramedic/911 Dispatcher for 23 years. I started out fine, but never got the common sense to get out of the business before 35. Just loved doing the job. I know I was tearing up my back, and hips, and neck. So finally, in the fall of 2000, I did it up good trying to stop a 350lb. isolet from falling off a ramp. No baby inside Anyway, I avoided surgery, went to rehab, and yep, went right back to doing the job.

Long story short, in summer of 2007, just couldn't take it anymore, and sought out a pain doc. He labeled me disabled that day. I knew it was going to happen. Just never wanted to hear it. I filed for disability and got it my first time around. Everything seemed a bit better. More grounded. Suppose at this time (maybe earlier?) I met my current wife ( was married younger, total mess, no brains) in 2001 and we married that same year. In 2003 our first of three boys was born. They are ages 9, 7, and 5. I was dubbed Mr. Mom in 2008, an was on a fairly good program for my back. But.....the pain just wouldn't let up. I have went through the system of pumps, needles, inseertions, and pretty much every major narcotic we have out there.

Things started getting "noticeably" bad in 2009, when I couldn't find a happy place. Things just seemed to be falling in on me from all sides. Ya, the wife was concerned, helpful, and compassionate, for the first few years. But, as we all know, if you don't suffer from chronic pain, it's real hard to grasp the moods we go through. But, we kept trying to find a medium that kept us stable. Then the straw started bending. The Wife became tired and frustraded with her job. She was a nurse when we met. After a few years going to school on the laptop, she received her Bachelor's degree and moved up. Problem was, they didn't honor her with the proper pay. So, she started looking for a manager's job at hospitals. I grew up in Michigan. Been there all my life. She accepted a job in Delaware. Dela...where??? Anyway, I did not like the idea (I am a gun, hunter, kinda guy), but I was supportive. That was 3 months ago. All this move has done is to bring us to the realization that we don't really get along much anymore. We got married, started having kids, and never really had time to get to know each other as we should have before having kids.

So, now(I know...FINALLY!!) come to the origin of my question. I don't need to tell ya'll my SSD $$. Doesn't matter. My question is, If anyone has first hand knowledge, wnat happens with my SSD bennies in the event of a divorce. We haven't thrown in the towell yet, but it seems looming. The reason we came out to Delaware was her offer. She is making real good money, and likes her job. She could live very comfortably if on her own. We have been married for 10 years/3 months. I receive extra money for the kids as long as they live with me. And the way it looks, they would most likely come with me. My main question is , would she get any of my bennies if we divorced? Either with, or without the children living in my house. I know that if it ges the route of her having custody, I lose that extra pay for the kids. Also wondering though if she get's money from my bennies if I am on my own, without custody?

For anyone still reading, thank you for your patience. I am a talker (typer also...i guess )
Paul

A divorce court judge may order spousal support from you to her or from her to you. And if you or she doesn't pay support, it can be garnished. However, SSA does not take your monthly benefit and give it to her. That is not an SSA decision.

The parent with custody generally is payee for the children. A divorce court judge could also order child support and decide to factor in the Social Security benefits paid to the children. But that is not an SSA decision.

When she is age 62, if she could be paid more retirement benefits on your record than 1/2 of what she could get on her own, she would be paid those retirement benefits since your marriage lasted 10 years. But the reverse is also true. At age 62, you might be able to get additional Social Security benefits on her record. Or not. Also, if she predeceases you, you may be able to get more than 1/2 of her benefit. The reverse is also true.

[Jim091866]

Originally Posted by Broken_Medic

I'm new here. First of all, I hope I'm in the right area to be bringing up this thread. A brief history...I am a 50y/o male. In the summer of 2007 I had finally had enough, and went to a pain doc. I was a Paramedic/911 Dispatcher for 23 years. I started out fine, but never got the common sense to get out of the business before 35. Just loved doing the job. I know I was tearing up my back, and hips, and neck. So finally, in the fall of 2000, I did it up good trying to stop a 350lb. isolet from falling off a ramp. No baby inside Anyway, I avoided surgery, went to rehab, and yep, went right back to doing the job.

Long story short, in summer of 2007, just couldn't take it anymore, and sought out a pain doc. He labeled me disabled that day. I knew it was going to happen. Just never wanted to hear it. I filed for disability and got it my first time around. Everything seemed a bit better. More grounded. Suppose at this time (maybe earlier?) I met my current wife ( was married younger, total mess, no brains) in 2001 and we married that same year. In 2003 our first of three boys was born. They are ages 9, 7, and 5. I was dubbed Mr. Mom in 2008, an was on a fairly good program for my back. But.....the pain just wouldn't let up. I have went through the system of pumps, needles, inseertions, and pretty much every major narcotic we have out there.

Things started getting "noticeably" bad in 2009, when I couldn't find a happy place. Things just seemed to be falling in on me from all sides. Ya, the wife was concerned, helpful, and compassionate, for the first few years. But, as we all know, if you don't suffer from chronic pain, it's real hard to grasp the moods we go through. But, we kept trying to find a medium that kept us stable. Then the straw started bending. The Wife became tired and frustraded with her job. She was a nurse when we met. After a few years going to school on the laptop, she received her Bachelor's degree and moved up. Problem was, they didn't honor her with the proper pay. So, she started looking for a manager's job at hospitals. I grew up in Michigan. Been there all my life. She accepted a job in Delaware. Dela...where??? Anyway, I did not like the idea (I am a gun, hunter, kinda guy), but I was supportive. That was 3 months ago. All this move has done is to bring us to the realization that we don't really get along much anymore. We got married, started having kids, and never really had time to get to know each other as we should have before having kids.

So, now(I know...FINALLY!!) come to the origin of my question. I don't need to tell ya'll my SSD $$. Doesn't matter. My question is, If anyone has first hand knowledge, wnat happens with my SSD bennies in the event of a divorce. We haven't thrown in the towell yet, but it seems looming. The reason we came out to Delaware was her offer. She is making real good money, and likes her job. She could live very comfortably if on her own. We have been married for 10 years/3 months. I receive extra money for the kids as long as they live with me. And the way it looks, they would most likely come with me. My main question is , would she get any of my bennies if we divorced? Either with, or without the children living in my house. I know that if it ges the route of her having custody, I lose that extra pay for the kids. Also wondering though if she get's money from my bennies if I am on my own, without custody?

For anyone still reading, thank you for your patience. I am a talker (typer also...i guess )
Paul

Paul, I'll add what I know from my current situation. I was a firefighter/paramedic for 15 1/2 yrs. and had the candle lit in the middle as well as going at both ends. I worked 48"s for 10 yrs straight!! Well at the age of 30 I short circuited and was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. After 18 yrs of marriage including another 8 that we stayed together after we divorced she left me for someone "back home" that she hooked up with on facebook. My attorney at the time told me my disability benefits were marital property. This was 8 yrs ago. We were amicable so no cash changed hands we basically set up our own checking accounts and continued to play house though we were divorced. Since she left last July she now wants a QDRO or an order of splitting my pension benefits. The social security is a no brainer- that is yours in whole except for any order of support but they cannot divide it up you will have to pay her any money yourself. It is not considered marital property, it is a disability payment. This is federal law that I know of. So in my case the only question is one of is she entitled to my pension? The STATE will not even do a QDRO for disability benefits! So I guess we're goin' to court! The state considers that I am recieving disability benefits not a retirement-that she would be entitled to. But the reason I am getting it is because I am DISABLED not retired! The only factors here are that I listened to the atty 8 yrs ago and it is in the agreement that she will get half my retirement-again I'm not retired! So best of luck to you and always get a second opinion!

Jim

[reverett123]

I'm not going to play marriage councillor here (maybe more like a divorce councillor), but certain things that could work for you or against you for the rest of your life need to be decided now.

First and foremost, you've got three little guys that need you real bad. You mentioned that you are an outdoors type. Even in Delaware, there are fish to be caught and guns to be fired, even if only at a range. You are the only person on the planet that is thinking about that and how important that can be to those three.

I assume that your wife loves them. too. and that she has some sense of responsibility. After all, she has tried to make it work and you don't seem to think that she's been cheating on you. So, let's assume that she can be a decent partner. Because of the kids, you two are stuck with each other for the rest of your lives. Both of you face it, accept it, and get down to the task at hand.

There are some strong cards here. You are in a position to give some stability to their lives and a home to come to after school. She can concentrate on earning the money to support them, which takes the pressure off your disability payments. If you need it, it might even be possible to work out alimony for you at some point.

And the boys themselves are a big "investment" for both of you. Someday, you're gotng to both need their help. That era is going to be a lot easier if their memories are of Mom and Dad pulling together for their sake even when it would have been easier to run away. Good luck.

[Jim091866]

Originally Posted by reverett123

i'm not going to play marriage councillor here (maybe more like a divorce councillor), but certain things that could work for you or against you for the rest of your life need to be decided now.

First and foremost, you've got three little guys that need you real bad. You mentioned that you are an outdoors type. Even in delaware, there are fish to be caught and guns to be fired, even if only at a range. You are the only person on the planet that is thinking about that and how important that can be to those three.

I assume that your wife loves them. Too. And that she has some sense of responsibility. After all, she has tried to make it work and you don't seem to think that she's been cheating on you. So, let's assume that she can be a decent partner. Because of the kids, you two are stuck with each other for the rest of your lives. Both of you face it, accept it, and get down to the task at hand.

There are some strong cards here. You are in a position to give some stability to their lives and a home to come to after school. She can concentrate on earning the money to support them, which takes the pressure off your disability payments. If you need it, it might even be possible to work out alimony for you at some point.

And the boys themselves are a big "investment" for both of you. Someday, you're gotng to both need their help. That era is going to be a lot easier if their memories are of mom and dad pulling together for their sake even when it would have been easier to run away. Good luck.

amen......

[finz]

Hi Broken Medic,

I am a broken nurse. I am waiting on divorce til my hs sophomore graduates. For us, that means the children's SSDI portion and custody will be a moot point.

It was explained to me that my SSDI is my income. That will be compared to my stbx's income at the time of divorce. Whoever has the greater income could be paying spousal support to the ex. If your wife is working FT as an RN, I am assuming that her income will be greater than yours. The length of the marriage will impact the amount of any ss. SS can be offset by an unequal division of assets (ie...you could agree to keep the house and any equity instead of ss, etc)

Generally, the children's portion of the SSDI should follow them.....if you have primary custody, it goes to your household, but if your stbx has primary custody, that would be your child support payments.

Are you able to be a full time caregiver for the kids despite your disability ? I can't drive (or function much at all) some days, so I was told that would count against me in a custody battle. Is your wife agreeable to you being the primary caretaker of the kids ?

[Broken_Medic]

Originally Posted by finz

Hi Broken Medic,

I am a broken nurse. I am waiting on divorce til my hs sophomore graduates. For us, that means the children's SSDI portion and custody will be a moot point.

It was explained to me that my SSDI is my income. That will be compared to my stbx's income at the time of divorce. Whoever has the greater income could be paying spousal support to the ex. If your wife is working FT as an RN, I am assuming that her income will be greater than yours. The length of the marriage will impact the amount of any ss. SS can be offset by an unequal division of assets (ie...you could agree to keep the house and any equity instead of ss, etc)

Generally, the children's portion of the SSDI should follow them.....if you have primary custody, it goes to your household, but if your stbx has primary custody, that would be your child support payments.

Are you able to be a full time caregiver for the kids despite your disability ? I can't drive (or function much at all) some days, so I was told that would count against me in a custody battle. Is your wife agreeable to you being the primary caretaker of the kids ?

Hey Finz,
The wife is a manager. She is the manager of a womens health pavilion. She makes pretty good coin. So ya, it's a no brainer that she is the bread winner. She also (provided I stay, as I will take the pressure's of a sinlge mom with 3 boys off her shoulders) plans on going to school (online) to get her masters in the next 6 mos. to a year. And I know it may sound evil, but part of me thinks that giving her the stress free enviroment to obtain that Masters degree would also benefit me. Her goal is to be an Adminstrator of a Hosptial. And that mindset and her disposition that fuels that drive, is what is killing us. Her mind is at work, even when at home.

The icing on the cake was a few weeks ago when she said that I would most likely end up with custody of the boys. She says, "I know I would not be able to care for them as you could, with my career going that way." That floored me. But, I suppose at least she is being honest with me and herself. She is a good mom. But she wants her career goal more. I was a dummy and never went back to school. She has worked hard to get where she is now. And I can't....truly...know how that feels.

If I had financial help from her (whether ordered or not), I know I could give these boys a fighting chance at getting off the ground. Their college ed. is already secured enough that by the time they get ready, grades willing, will have enough to pick their school. We did that right after they were born. So that's a huge burden lifted later on. It's just a matter of us, (the wife and I) figuring out our future. Man, this **** sucks! Just wish it wasn't so damn tough to get along these days. Oh well, pull up my britches be strong for the kids. Thanks!

[Dmom3005]

I think it sounds like more than being upset with your wife your bored.

Two things I read in this last post. Your at home taking care of boys,
which you are fine with to a degree. But you need something to do.
In your new area.

So ideas, I you mentioned she is still going to school. There is nothing
saying you can't go to school too. Either in person in a school or online.
This would help with the boredom. And you would understand her need
for going on right now.

Also you probably qualify for Vocational Rehabilation, and wouldnt' need
her help getting into school. So find the program and go apply.

Next find the local area that you can shoot your guns. And go.

Then learn if you don't know how to fish, as soon as its nice enough.

See what else there is too do. Maybe paint ball, your boys would love that.

Donna