I don't know were to begin. I'm not sure about pouring my feeling out on the internet, but I don't have anyone else. I feel so alone. My health problems are getting the better of me and making me so depressed. I am married and have two teenage children. I'm sure they love me, but I keep so much of what I'm feeling from them so I don't burden anyone. I just can't do that much longer. As I sit here typing this, I can't stop crying. Even if I spent the time/money on therapy, most therapist I've seen in the past are useless. I find I just want to be alone and hide so that I'm not bothering anyone with anything..But I've held it in far too long, from doctors, coworkers, husband, children anyone I encounter thinks I'm a happy, well-adjusted person. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart and I'm fearful of where that will lead me. I have one outlet that keeps me someone together and that's listening to my music. My favorite artist is Idina Menzel for so many reasons. She is inspirational, strong, beautiful and talented. Her music has strong lyrics that have so much meaning. Since she doesn't have much out professional (she is known for broadway), I find I listen to the same album over and over again. If that is what gets me through the difficult times, then so be it! Thank you WWW for allowing me to spill out just a small amount of what I'm feeling.

Please get help! Not all therapists are useless. I don't know you but I'm sure your family and friends would be devastated if anything happens to you.
Redcat

Are you having back pain? Ok I know it sounds like a stupid question.

It is so difficult to have so much pain all day long and look fine - everyone says - you look so good etc and yet you have so much pain everyday.

I also get why you want to get away from everyone....it is like who wants to be around people who are "suffering" all the time. Even though friends and family love you unconditionally - it is still hard to put it out there everyday - or make excuses about why you can't do this or that....all the time.

There is so much to live for - everyday we can decide when we wake up to - "be happy" or to not live sad. To not allow the sadness to take control. It takes a lot of discipline and some good books (I like Joyce Meyer) she has written a ton of books that have helped me get out of the rut.

I will be praying for you - no matter what your religion or no religion - prayer works and you will be fine with all of us out here in the WWW loving you and sending positive energy your way.

Kelli

Hi redcat. I agree, the psychologists/therapists that I had dealings with at work, for things like group sessions to adapt to change, bullying in the workplace etc were pretty near useless. I used to feel we were going through the motions just to satisfy work Legislation.

Have you seen a properly qualified Psychiatrist? As I said on my other thread, I never thought I'd ask to see a psychiatrist but I'm extremely pleased I did. The difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist is immense. Oddly enough, we have something else in common. My GP and Physician both said that I was coping very well. I didn't feel like I was coping, I felt like I was drowning. Even the psychiatrist said I had good coping mechanisms. I didn't want him not taking me seriously so I told him it was all acting.

I've seen the shrink 3 times now and from the very first day, he made me feel better about myself. I hadn't felt like that in a long time.

Please find someone you can relate to. I can't stress enough how great it is to finally feel as if someone understands and is going to help. In the meantime, if your music makes you feel better...go for it!

I have a dirty great old ginger cat sitting on my lap and she's getting heavier by the minute. I hate to kick her off but she doesn't do these old hips any good.

Thinking of you.

That wasn't clear to me either from reading Kim's other posts. I wasn't sure if she meant to post here or to another forum(?) No harm done.

Doc