So sorry to hear how bad it has gotten for you.
 

I broke my back at 27 yr old. I was an athlete police officer wife and mother of two. They miss diagnosed me and a year later I was way worse. Suicidal pain pill popping addict suffered chronic pain syndrome lost 25lbs and my hair was falling out my head in clumps. I was taking triple script Vicodin 2 every 3 to 4 hrs flexeril antidepressant elival and then drinking alcohol because the pain was so bad. I finally threw all my meds at the doc and said I am in pain everyday and these aren't helping I done being an addict. I was admitted in the hospital 8 hours later severe withdrawals. I finally found a neuro surgeon that was willing to help me detox and do an intense work hardening prgram how to control muscle spams and mentally deal with the pain. I just decided I couldn't live like that anymore how I stayed married is a miracle. I wasn't myself with all the drugs and pain. I decided I was going to give this program a year and see if I could get quality back. I found it very hard the first two months but promised my husband. I wish you had a partner or good friend to support you. It was the hardest things I ever did but the best thing too. I still have chronic back pain but for 20yrs I go to gym 3 times a week to keep mobility strength. It seems maintain the the pain level. I have DDD cervical stenosis opll arthritis. And am currently recovering from a bi level acdf accf allograft and plate and scews. I actually am working towards maybe being able to golf again. I am sharing this because usually on these forums we are on hear when we hurt, scared and in pain and know one understands that hasn't been there. Sometimes hearing a possitive story can help motivate mind over matter. There is a book called power of the subconscious mind by I believe Murphy or Murry. I highly recommend reading it it helped through my darkest times. I know it help my mother put ms into remission and get her life back too.

I wish you the best Please try to not give up. God bless :)