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Hi Lonely1... :hug:
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Hi Addy... :)
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:D Hi Lonely1.....Are you mad at me? :D :grouphug:
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LOL Alffe.
hi again lonely1 .... hope your weekend is going ok and you're getting some sleep? :hug: |
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Hi guys.
No Alffe, I'm not mad, I know you're just trying to help. I've heard that speech many times, and it always makes me feel ashamed of myself...more ashamed than usual anyway, like I'm not trying hard enough to get better. It's probably true, but it's hard to get motivated to help someone I like as little as myself. I know it must be frustrating to try and convince me that life is worth living, especially since I'm so pessimistic about it. It may not seem like I'm listening to your advice but I do and it really helps me feel a little better. It makes me smile when I get online and see that someone has respoded to my post, like maybe I do matter to someone. Sometimes that thought is all that keeps me going. My weekend's not going so bad. I'm getting plenty of sleep (for me that means being able to sleep for over four hours in a row), even though I spend just as much time lying in bed awake. I don't mind though, it's peaceful and comfy, and much easier than getting up and doing things. Speaking of which, I think I'll get to bed early tonight. Thank you for your posts. I hope you all are well and have sweet dreams. |
And I've given that speech many times lonely1 and will continue to do so because giving back to this world works for my depression. It's a constant battle but I'm worth it and so are you. :hug:
It's Sunday, Notre Dame lost and broke Barbo's heart but we're going to keep breathing. *grin |
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HEY there! That's all I needed to see to know we ARE making a difference... :hug: ♫ tra la la la la ♫ :sing: Addy |
You do matter to someone; actually, you matter to many of us here where we try to check in daily to find out how you are! ((thelonely1))
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Really? Daily? How sweet! I also check in here every day, several times a day. So if I don't post for a while it's probably safe to assume nothing has changed with me. I would tell you guys if anything happens. I used to have a close friend to talk to when I needed to... but she has since lost interest in me in favor of the more superficial aspects of college life. It's so nice to have people that care.
And Addy, of course all of you make a difference to me. I'm sorry if I made it seem like you didn't. I wish the whole world was as caring and considerate as the people on this forum. It makes me sad, but it seems that the only good people in the world are the ones who suffer the most. Everyone else is corrupt and selfish, and none of them could care less about me or my pathetic little life. I'm sorry if I'm being depressing, I'm not trying to be... it's just that I can't feel anything else. Thank you all, I love you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world (Because you deserve it the most). ;) :hug: L1 |
thelonely1,
You never have to apologize, on this forum, for being depressed or for writing about your depression. Most of us know that this is the one place where we can talk about almost anything/everything. Your promise to let us know if you are in any type of danger of hurting yourself brings much relief. Honestly, there are numerous people here who are reading your posts, thinking and praying for you, and wanting to help in any way that we are able. Many of us continue to survive because of the care and support that we get from members of this forum. from my *heart, reyn Quote:
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Tonight I was feeling even more depressed than usual. It was just one of those days where I couldn't stop bad feelings from swirling in my mind; I'm worthless, hopeless, etc. I was almost certainly going to have another horrible panic attack, which would have in turn led to more overwhelming suicidal thoughts.
Then when I got online I saw that (((Blue))) appreciated a post I left her, and it made all the bad thoughts go away, like maybe I made some small difference in someone elses' life. And just maybe the next time I'm feeling sad and desperate I'll be able to think about that and smile. Hopefully when you read this Blue, you'll feel a little better too, because you'll know how much you helped someone in need, and you can know without a doubt that you are truly important to someone. :hug: ~ L1 |
And that's why I love this place so much! We are a "family" and there is a circle of love. :grouphug:
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WOW... am I ever happy that you found Blue's words to you dear lonely1!
:hug: and don't it feel good? |
Oh...I don't like Halloween. As if all the stupid college students needed another reason to get drunk.... As a matter of fact, this is the one year aniversery of the day my best, and only, friend decided that being drunk was more important than being my friend. Then she made a bunch of new friends and together they're just one big, happy, drunken family.... and left me to spiral deeper into misery.
I'm probably exaggerating about her drinking, but then again she never talks to me so how the hell would I know. Either way it still hurts that the person I care about most never even thinks about me.... |
Aw,
I dont know how to start this post... Im very touched... Call it a miracle... call it a coincidence... (spelling ?)... I was feeling tired, so, I just came here and was checking quickly the site... I was leaving when suddenly "something" or "someone" made me re-check this forum... That same "thing" or that same "person" or magic power made me open precisly this thread... and I find thelonely's post... :hug: Yes dear thelonely... you saved me... you made me feel way better :hug: I felt blessed for your post, but, I feel even more blessed now that I found out, you felt better too... How magical this is !? how wonderful is this ?? We dont know who are we "working" for... We find magic in life when we less expect it... aw... how swee is that... Dont you love this miracles ? this mysteries of life... wow.... :hug: Hopefully what I wrote make sense... It's difficult to express my feelings sometimes... and in english, even more difficult... :o Love for all and, Im here for you thelonely (and everybody else !) anytime... :hug: |
Oh Blue....
I know exactly what you are talking about, and I agree completely. It's amazing how fate, or God, or coincidence, (whatever you want to call it) works. Kind of makes you feel like you have a guardian angel reaching out and guiding you when you need it most... I'm glad you found my post, and I'm glad it helped you. It makes me feel apreciated, something I'm not used to feeling. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: ~L1 |
((((((((((thelonely1)))))))))
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug: Thinking about you... |
I feel kinda bad for not posting anything for a while. It's not because I don't care about you guys anymore, I just have nothing to contribute. There is never any news to be heard about me. Every day is more pointless than the last. No activities, no contact with loved ones, (or anyone at all). Every morning I dread the time when I have to get up, and the rest of the day is spent wishing it was late enough to go to bed. Music, movies, TV.....everything somehow finds a way to make me hate life a little more, or reminds me of why I hated it in the first place. Every little tiny task seems to take all my effort. I usually don't even start; the outcome is hardly worth the effort.
I can't think about the future because I don't want the future to come. The only time I feel hopeful is when I'm hoping I wont wake up tomorrow, or hoping I'll die in a car accident on the way to work, and of course, I'm always dissapointed when I end up alive and healthy, (phisically anyway). Sometimes I wish I would get sick, if only because then someone might give me some attention, I could hold their interest for a minute or two before they forget I exist. But I never do, I continue to live, physically healthy, emotionaly broken, unnoticed, unwanted, and alone. For one pointless day after another..... |
L1, you are not unnoticed, unwanted, and alone! I came back tonight to check on how you're doing. Please keep writing to us here, okay?
((L1)) |
L1, this is the safest and best place that I've ever found on the internet where I can talk about my own problems (and occasionally ask the moderator to remove my post when it's in the best interests of the community) and speak to others about their own issues. You aren't alone when you come here. We care about you. Thinking of you and hoping that you will get a good night's rest,
reyn |
Honey, hey, hey ! what's up ???
Any ideas why are you feeling that way ?? I totally understand... Ive been where you are... but, you, tell me... do you have a particular reason to hate life ?? is there something you can do, like trying to solve that part of your life which is bothering ??? Also, I dont know (perhaps I need to go back in this thread), do you take any medicines ?? Hang in there... hold on... you are too young, Im sure your future is a good one... !!! Talk to me ! (((HUGS))) |
Hey L1 :hug:
I'm disheartened to see you down again my friend but I've been there so many times, I can understand. A huge difference between me and you is that I've learned to love myself. Man, that's difficult to do - but its a must!! ... and I pray you can find the strength to do it... lonely1 - reach out for the all the warm fuzzies you can stand from us folks here in the Forum... this place IS real... and you are VERY valued as a friend, a supporter and as a teacher! In turn, you will learn to value yourself as a wonderful contributor to the world. Blah, blah, blah... I know that right now you can find every arguement to tell me you are NOT valued ... but I'm not listening... (my fingers are in my ears - "la la la la la... I can't hear you!!) .... :sing: Addy |
Wow! Addy, you are one incredible friend! I so much appreciate hearing from you on this thread and others . . .
L1, please check in with us, okay? We worry about you when we don't hear from you. |
Oh Addy I wish I had your optimism...
I'm not really feeling any more down than usual, this is pretty much "normal" for me. I just felt like posting it. I get lonely a lot (hence my screen name). But I'm glad I have online friends to talk to, even if I don't have anyone to spend time with in real time. To answer your question Blue, I was on anti-depressants but have given up on them because no matter what dose and frequency, they all made no difference in how I felt. And they were too expensive for me to be able to afford. I barely make enough money to pay for rent and food, I have zero money to spend on anything else (including things like friends and entertainment). Sorry I haven't been posting much, I just can't think of anything to say... Thank you all for posting and caring, I really appreciate it. I'll try to post more often. :hug::hug::hug: For everyone :hug::hug::hug: ~ lonely1 |
Darling, darling, darling.... honey, honey, honey...
Im BAD cheering people up as I suffer of depression, so... :rolleyes: But, I would like to tell you, that making an effort to get out of depression helps, really HELPS... Try to distract yourself with things you have handy... Do you like reading ?? Why do you suffer ?? what's going on ?? You can always PM me if you prefer... Sorry, Im not a doctor... Im bad trying to help people, but Im trying to find out why are you feeling so sad... Take care. We are here for you. :hug: X 1,000, 000 |
Oh Blue you help to cheer me up just by letting me know you're here. :hug:
I'm just depressed because I don't like my life. I have no friends, (exept for you guys), everyone I've ever known has abandoned me, even ones that I really cared about. One day they just decided to blow me off, and I never heard from them again. I guess I'm just not important enough to deserve any of their time. Also I can't see myself with a happy future. I dropped out of college because I'm terrible at all my classes. There is no career path that interests me, and I can barely force myself out of bed every morning to go to the part time job I already have. No matter how hard I try I just can't develope an intrest in anything I do. I don't know how to explain it, I've just never been happy. Life has always seemed pointless, even when I was younger. I think I started having death fantasies in 6th grade. The thought of growing up and having a job never appealed to me, and that's when I decided that I didn't care if I lived that long. How can I possibly be happy if I don't enjoy anything and nobody wants to be around me? |
L1, you write extremely well. Have you considered exploring some time of work where you can write? I spent too many years in college, took me 15 years to get a degree -- and I can't even work in that area anymore because I let me license lapse. But some of the few good memories from being in school was the exposure to literature.
I don't have any answers for you, but I'm asking you to stay here with us, okay? I'll write more later . . . it's best if I don't write after a glass (or 4) of wine. ((L1)) |
People have told me that I write well. But I struggle a lot with it. I have a mild case of adult A.D.D. so it's hard for me to translate my jumbled thoughts into something others can understand. "Fortunatly," I've found out that I also have a mild case of O.C.D., which causes me to obsess about what I write and edit it constantly, so mabye it cancles out in this case. :rolleyes:
Hmmmmmmmm.....I seem to be a grab-bag of mental disorders. Fortunatly only the depression is serious enough to cause real problems. |
Hellooooooooooooo sweetheart !!!!
I clearly understand what you are saying.... Ive been where you are... Gosh... it is so hard to feel abandoned... but, Ive learnt something with the years... If people leave me, is because they are not who I think they were... they probably are envy, selfish, crappy, so they dont really appreciate my friendship as much as I apprecite theirs, so, even when it hurts, at the end, is the best thing, because, a friendship, like love, needs both parts participating... It hurts, it sucks... it makes me feel like Im the one doing the things wrong, thinking Im the bad one of the story, so, that they are leaving me because Im not worth, but, belive me, it is the opposite... Really good people would never abandon a good friend, a good person... so, if they leave, is because they are "plastic"... do you know what I mean ?? People who, to be honest, doesnt have feelings... they just live but doesnt go deeper.. like you probably do, you probably really get involved in a relation... they dont... It has happened to me twice.. once when I finnished highschool... My group of "friends" simply turn around and never talked to me again.... from one day to another... and I was like :eek: What did I do ? what did I say ? why are they abandoning me ?? Why ? Because they werent my friends... that's it... it hurt.. yes... but time made me understand... Second time was just when I started my phD... my career friends, those who shared with me 5 years of my career, who were adults, who I think were friends, simply turn around again... they dont talk to me anymore... It hurt again... but, once again, I understood it wasnt my fault, it was theirs... Ok, so, all the above was to tell you you dont have to feel sad or guilty for people abandoning you... they are acting wrong. Im positive. And, if they dont relate with you, you will find people like you soon... probably not 50, not 10, but perhaps 2 truly friends... :) That's part 1... Part 2 is... Dont push yourself on trying to love life... I know it is hard... but, hell yeah... you should definetely write !! you are too good... I mean, I would love to read a blog by you for example... Dont you like photography ?? animals ?? Im not trying to push you ok ? Im just.. curious ! :o Talk to me anytime ok ? Love ya !!! :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: |
Blue you have some very wise views on people. I agree completely about some people being "plastic" and unfeeling, and their leaving doesn't really hurt me very much. I don't want to hang out with people like them anyway. The only thing that truly hurts is one friend I had up until just a few months ago. She was sweet and caring, responsible and mature. She even actually needed me on an emotional level. What really bothers me is that she was corrupted by the world, she gave in to the mindless urges to party and have a good time. It was never a conscious choice to abandon me, she just gradually moved away from me and towards the shallow drunken life she could have without me. It just bothers me that someone so good and so pure can be so easily corrupted and not even notice or care.
That's why I'm alone. Because I don't want to give in to headonism like everyone else in the world. I don't want to live party and get drunk....... I'm probobly too naive, I should throw away my ideals and party pointlessly with everyone else and live a shallow meaningless life..... |
I realize that that's probably not the way the entire rest of the world is, but it's the only part of the world I can see...
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Hey darling !
I never party/drink either.... :D :rolleyes: :o (All those faces mean I dont know at this point if it is good or bad, as, I dont like to get drunk and I dont like drunk people, but at the same time I know most of the people like to party, so, that's probably one of the reasons I dont have friends...) Now that you mentioned your friend... If you really appreciate her (I think you do), isnt a good motivation for you to try to have her friendship again ? I mean, you said she abandoned you due to alcohol and parties right ?? Perhaps you should/could try to take her out of alcohol, which isnt good for health plus you two could start to hang out together so you could feel less lonely ?? Kisses in the mean time ! XOXOXOXOX and hugs too :hug: |
I tried to tell her how I felt about her drinking, I told her that it bothers me to think of her being out of control drunk (which has happened on more than one occation). That's when she realized she should get drunk somewhere that I'm not and I couldn't make her feel bad about it. It's not like shes got a drinking problem, it's just more then I would like. (My mom and grandfather were/are alcoholics, and it has severely damaged me mentaly) I really do care about her, but as long as she has friends who are happy to pour alcohol down her throat, they will always take priority over me, the boring loser who would rather be sober.
And once again you have reminded me of myself :) I too have zero friends because I don't drink, but I'm glad there's at least one other young person out there who doesn't live to party.....I just wish that the idea would spread (not likely :Sigh:). Anyway....thank you for talking to me Blue. :hug::hug::hug: I hope you are doing okay, I wish there were more people in the world as caring as you, and everyone on NT. I wish you all the happiness you could ever want (maybe then you could share some with me? ;)) Take care everyone |
Hi again sweetie,
How are you doing today ?? Im so, so... my vision problems keep bothering me.... :mad: :rolleyes: but oh well... Hum, keep talking to your friend !!! maybe, dont say anything about alcohol, but, plan things together so you both can have fun. You are very young, so, I assume she is very young too... so, sometimes, the "love" for alcohol and parties last only some years and then, she would get bored (like you and me) of alcohol... and you will be friends again :) Come chat here anytime. Have a good day !!! XOXO |
Hmmmm... lots of "heavy" reading above.
Sigh... and as a result my thoughts are racing all over the place. L1... I, too, am ADD, and have OCD and manic depression (bipolar) and .... guess what else... I'm the adult child of an alcoholic ... AND ... I married an alcoholic who also had an alcoholic parent (who I thankfully left 10 yrs ago) ... it took me 22 freaking years to break the freaking pattern ... (and what that 22 years has done to form my 3 sons is another saga in human drama)... The main difference between me and you, L1 and my :Mexican: BlueMajo friend is this: your youth.
I think you have both grown away from your friends because they sincerely aren't the type you want and need to be with ... you're recognizing this but also feeling the pain of not belonging... You're at a crossroads .... and you're just not too sure what path to chose next. Trust me... keep doing whatever little thing makes you happy ... and you WILL find you belong ... xoxo :sing: Addy |
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:Good-Post: :Bow: :You-Rock: :Thank you: I wanted a clapping like crazy smilie but we dont have one... or I couldnt find it... :o Addy, you put in words what I wanted to say to L1... (And what I want to do with myself too)... L1, try to think why are you depressed... what do you need in life... what do you want.... what would you like to have, do... Tell me. Hugs and kisses in the mean time. :hug: Your :Mexican: friend. |
What do I want? I want....this is going to sound really stupid and pathetic....someone to love me. I've spent my entire life as an outcast, watching other people in happy, fulfilling realationships, wondering why no one ever wanted to be with me. I'm 21, and the closest thing I've ever had to a fulfilling relationship was one month, a couple of years ago, when my one and only friend was sad because her asshole boyfriend dumped her, and she actually wanted to talk to me, and needed me emotionaly. But then as soon as she stopped being sad, she stopped needing me, and I saw less and less of her, until now, when I'm lucky if I get to see her, or even talk to her on the phone, once every two or three months. That was my most fulfilling relationship....the only relationship I've ever had....as a shoulder to cry on for a friend.
All I want is for someone to want to spend time with me, and I'm too big of a loser to even get that. I have no interests or hobbies, I don't enjoy doing anything; who could ever stand to be around me? I'm far too screwed up mentally and emotionally to ever function in the world, and even if I could convince myself to get therapy, (which isn't likely), I would never be able to afford it; I can just barely afford my current bleak, empty existance. My life has taught me over and over not to get my hopes up for any reason, because it will just hurt so much more when I enevitably fail. I just don't believe I'll ever be happy, and it's hard for me to take any possitive steps, no matter how small..... I can't help but think that maybe I'm supposed to be unhappy. |
I'm sorry, L1. Of course you can't come here, but--if you could--I'd love you and take care of you like my own child. Forgive me?
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Oh Reyn, I want to....I really want to.....but I can't.
My parents live here, sometimes I think the only thing that keeps them going is seeing their sons, (my brother and I), every once and a while. My brother is going to move next summer and then I'll be all they have left. As I've said before, my mom is an alcoholic, she went to rehab last year, but she started drinking again, not as much but still too much as far as I'm concerned. If I leave, she'll relapse completely, which will make my dad leave her, which will make her drink herself to death, and it will be my fault, and I couldn't live with it.... Thank you so much Reyn for offering to take me in. :hug: You can't imagine how badly I want to just drop everything, leave, and never come back, I wish I could. Can I ask you where you live, and what kind of work i'd be doing? |
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