Hi! I am so glad you came back/ And thanks for telling us a little more of your story. tell us more whenever you are ready. We do like to listen, because we know that telling your story is helpful-it can get you to look at it a little bit differently sometimes-when you get feedback. We have been where you are-not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it can get better. I am glad you are going to keep coming back here-that is a great start. See the topics "pinned" at the top of this section? There are some helpful ones to read.

Oh that hopeless feeling is such an awful Beast! I'm so glad you're back here and talking to us. If you're drug resistant and lack the energy to go back to the dr, looks like you'll have to "fix it" yourself....easier said than done I know but you are definitely worth the try.

Do you like the read? I recently read Shoot The Dam Dog and for the first time I understood that depression is an illness like any other illness and the author herself struggled successfully with her depresssion.

Tell us more about yourself and the expierences you've had that brought you to this place in your life. We care...and listen with our hearts.

I'm going to be in and out of here for the next several days as my girls are home visiting but that black hole you're in has "sides" and there are people standing close by to help. And don't forget to read my "signature"...metanoia.org. Just click on it.

It's good to see you back thelonely1; I hope you're feeling a little better today. It warmed my heart to see that you'd replied, and I look forward to getting to know you a little better when you feel up to it.

I hope you can see what a wonderful group of members we have here on NeuroTalk, and especially here in this forum. Welcome again.

thelonely1

I'm thinking of you and hoping that you're feeling better. Wish that I could take away your hurt.

Sorry I haven't been on for a few days...I don't really know what to write, or how to convert my thoughts into something understandable to others.

Shareing my problems with other people has never been very beneficial for me. I find it usualy just makes their lives harder. As much as I apreciate it when someone tries to cheer me up, it also makes me feel bad because I don't really believe what their saying. I'm incapable of optimism, I can't see the bright side of things, and eventualy everyone just gives up hope on me and moves on to something less depressing (and I don't blame them). And then I'm alone and abandoned all over again.

In my experiance, the word "friend" means someone who will toleate my presence only as long as it's beneficial and conviniant for them. Once had "friends" who practically lived in my appartment for two years, then as soon as they found another place to hang out they were gone and I haven't heard from them since. And the only reason I have roommates now is because they needed a third person to split the rent with. They've alredy made plans to move away as soon as possible.

I just don't fit in with anyone, no matter how badly I want to. I have no money, no skills, no talents, no interests. Nothing. I know it sounds like an exageration but it really isn't. Everything I do during the day is simply a means to kill time before I can go to sleep. If I could have it my way, I would never even get up in the morning. I would just lie there in bed and think my horrible, depressing thoughts until I starved to death.

No wonder I've been having death fantasies since childhood...

Anyway, thanks for listening. And thank you all for your posts, my online friends already outnumber my real world friends

thelonely1,
Thank you so much for being so honest. I was sitting here crying my eyes out because I could identify to what your going through and felt the pain that is typically medicated away 24/7.

Lately my freinds are being slightly edgy when they talk to me and lately its been so long since I've seen any of them and sometime I think THEY are better off that way.

I have a career that I have always been passionate about, but lately its very hard to focus or be motivated at all. For awhile I was down to only being motivated by the money as a way to get out of bed everyday. I have no other interests left other than struggling to stay employed, doing drugs all day and night, and trying to hold it all together and not go psychotic. I sleep a few hours (bad insomnia) and then I'm back at working or doing more drugs. ( I became addicted to psych meds I was prescribed years ago and the addiction is out of control.)

Do you have any kind of substance abuse issue as well? My brain is so dopamine deprived its sick what extremes I find myself going to just to feel something anymore. And the goddamn SSRI's dont work. I was a lab rat for awhile too.

I recently admitted to my councelor that I've had a death wish for years.

Anyway, reading that I was not alone helped me and I honestly hope that in even some small way you feel less alone as well. I would end this by saying be well, but at this level we both know its just survival.

Dear TL,
What does get you up in the morning? A llittle bit of hope that things will get a little bit better? That's a start. And you keep coming back to tell us more about yourself-that's another push forward.
I am glad you found us-this is one place you can tell your story as often and as much as you want and we won't get tired of hearing from you.

(I was just wondering-do you have a pet? Do you like animals? Sometimes they can give us comfort when no one else seems to understand.)

I’ve read all your posts and found them poignant, heartrending and familiar. Depression is not self-pity. It is a medical condition like a heart attack or diabetes – and its sufferers deserve to be treated with the same concern and dignity. In fact, I think it’s one of the hardest maladies to face.

I started to suffer serious depression because of a brain injury I sustained in a car accident. I had to be cut out of my truck and my body was a wreck. However, of all the many, many injuries I sustained, none has come close to being as difficult as the “blue fog.” I know it’s hard, but try not to feel guilty about your depression: it’s as real as any limb amputation.

I’m glad you’ve come back to NT. Like Sue’s adopt a pet recommendation, people here can make practical suggestions that really can help. Additionally, you can tell them your story as often as you want and always receive an ear that is not just sympathetic, but empathetic. People here really understand what you’re talking about: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, POTITIVELY NOT ALONE.

If you ever need to say something that you don’t feel comfortable posting to the general forum, there are NT subgroups like For those times when we're down...., where you are guaranteed to find like-minded people.

Returning to NT is a positive, proactive step that shows you still have some little ember of hope. I hope you will let us all help you fan that into a bigger flame that warms you and lights your way to a better future.

Hang in there – we’re all pulling for you.

No, Kristen, and lonely1, you are definately not alone in your feelings and challenges when it comes to dealing with chronic depression.

I have dealt with it since I was a child in varying degrees, and for varying amounts of time. I understand the addiction to those medications, and what bothers me is that docs don't tell you that will happen. And before you know it, you can't get off of them. It is very frustrating, and can make life very difficult.

I use to take a ton load of medication just to survive. There are times when medication is needed, but, then there are times, at least for me, when it needs to be stopped. And, that is very difficult to do, and takes time, and patience. It took me two years to work my way off of a myriad of medications, and for one of them, I had to replace it with another, to finally be able to quit it.

It also took other factors in my life to help me through it. I needed a reason to live. I needed people who needed me, and a social network. I had to re-evaluate my spiritual values and goals in life. This takes a lot of personal work, and effort.

Nothing worth having in life comes without personal effort. And, we all need a friend. We CAN NOT do it alone. We try, but, we will fail. We need a spiritual connection.

I have found that reaching out to help others, helps me. It gives me a sense of satisfaction, and makes life worth living. It gives me a sense of value. And that is something we all need. We also need to be needed.

I still fight this beast, as you can see by my posts. I am exploring different ways to fight it. Finding what will work for you is paramount, but, that takes a willingness to try new things, and to be patient with yourself. It can take a lot of time and personal introspection to find what it is that you need, and what will help you to keep surviving, and, eventually, work your way into enjoying life again, even if for a few moments each day.

It is true that people, in general, do not understand depression, and have a hard time dealing with people who suffer with it. But, that can be true for many ailments.

Self-pity is one of our biggest enemies. Fighting is tiring, but, can be well worth it.

I hope you can find some small thing to smile about today, and I hope you can find some small comfort to keep you going.

Coming here and writing is definately pro-active. It has saved me many times, and I have seen it do the same for others. When you are really fighting, push yourself to come here and read, and write about it. It can really make a big difference. And, the people here really do care, and they really do 'get it'

The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to go to work. It doesn't really have anything to do with hope, I just have to get up early, seven days a week, to go to work. If it wasn't for that I would stay in bed all day.

And to answer your question Kristen, no I don't have any substance abuse issues. I probably would if any meds had any effct at all, but I'm so resistant to medication I might as well be taking a sugar pill.

And thank you for this, it really does help to think i've made someone else feel a little better.

As always, thank you everyone for listening and posting.