lonely1... the most important person to you should be YOU...

what matters is what YOU think....

what matters is that you love yourself .... and in loving yourself... others will be gathered in

it took me a long time to love myself

it took me a long time to figure out a lot of things in this life and what bugs me is a I'm still figuring it out

and I imagine I will always be figuring it out

and I guess that's ok

because everytime I figure out something new

I grow by leaps and bounds

and I love myself more

how cool is that?

http://www.cedu.niu.edu/~fulmer/starfish.htm


please read this to see just how important you are to the world

And in time: that 'ONE SPECIAL PERSON WILL ARRIVE IN YOUR LIFE'

David

There are many people here for you, thelonely1 and Kristen, who will listen, love, share with you. I don't love myself (actually, I think I probably still hate "me") but I know that there are people here who do love me, and they are always, always willing to reach out a hand to me or wrap their arms around me or share their journey/wisdom with me. You are not alone. Keep talking, and be a part of this family,
reyn

I just came back to say that the people who do love and care about me are my friends and family on this forum, not the "real-time" world/family, and I am grateful for that . . .

Another bad day for me....

Soon I'll have dropped out of college. It takes so much time and effort and MONEY. No matter how hard I try I can't get interested in any class or desired profession. There's no point in kidding myself any longer, I'm just making my life harder and more stressful. Besides, there's no point in throwing money away for something I don't want.

Everyone thinks all of my problems would just go away if I would get a full time job, as if making me take steps toward a future would somehow make me want to live to see it. Nobody understands that I CAN'T get a full time job, I just don't have the energy. I can barely force myself to do my current part-time job, and I just got cut back to less than ten hours a week. But no normal person will ever accept this as an excuse, they'll just convivce themselves that I'm lazy and a loser, they won't accept the fact that I hate life so much that I'm not willing to take steps to make it last longer. I guess it's easier to judge me than it is to admit some people's lives aren't worth living.

I actually put a gun to my head this afternoon. I don't think I was going to pull the trigger, but it was somehow comforting to know that I easily could if I really wanted to.

Thank you for being the only people who will listen and understand.

I cannot tell you how much I hated reading that you have a gun!! I understand what you are feeling but it cannot get better if you kill yourself. I don't believe that you want your life to end...you want to have a life that you can enjoy...one that has promise and hope. I don't know how to help you see that it can get better, it can improve...but not if you end it.

If memory serves me, and it usually doesn't, Pter used to tell me that he felt in death, he'd continue to live the very same life he ended..because he ended it. That belief helped him continue to live.

It's a struggle...but you must survive! Thank you for not using that gun.
I remember walking around the cemetary with a loaded gun after our son Michael killed himself...today I am so glad that I didn't use it on myself.

It's good that you are talking about how you feel lonely1.

thelonely1, you are absolutely not alone. Although this is an online forum, there are many people who are ready and willing to communicate with you in whichever way you find easiest/most comfortable. If you are at that point that you feel your death by your own hands is close, you will have someone to confide in or someone who can help with talk therapy and/or medication, if you will just ask or reach out your hand.

About the gun -- unless it is absolutely necessary for "self protection" (and I'm conflicted about using that phrase), then you need to asked a trusted family member to secure this weapon in a lock-box which you cannot access alone.

Sorry. This may sound harsh, but you may need to face up to some facts that are not pleasant or comforting. PTer (on the old Brain Talk forum) was ever so loving and generous in his willingness to help me and others on the forum. To this day, I clearly remember his advice to "sit-on-my-hands." May sound simplistic at this point in your life, but I promise you that this technique will work time and time again. I will try to find an in depth study and will post to you if I can find it.

I had a grandmother who died by suicide, and I myself tried and would have died but for the grace of God.

thelonely1, numerous people are here who will listen, will understand, and will care about you. Please, please draw on your inner strength, come here so that family members will be able to support you, help to fortify you, give you sound advice, and care for your heart and soul. You don't ever have to be alone if you can just work every day, even just a little bit, to let people here know you and you to know/trust us.

((thelonely1)) You are in my thoughts and prayers, from my *heart,
reyn

(((thelonely1)))) I am very grateful that you responded to Alffe and reyn with your "thanks"... because it told me you are still here....

I seriously care and pray that you will be able to gather the strength from our dear wise friends, Alffe and reyn.... they have been where you are AND they have lost loved ones... they know the pain from both sides and have shared this with us for years....

I truly hope you find solace here in our forum... it is a safe place...

I hate it when I suffer the desperate headspace that you are in right now.... but one thing has always kept me afloat and that's knowing that I can and will get better because I've done it many times. Each time it gets a little easier to dig out of that hole.

My sister was suicidal her whole life until her daughter's boyfriend died. She loved him like a son and suffered a great loss... in losing him, she realized she could never make her loved ones suffer from taking her own life. So, she's a survivor.

I hope you're hanging on - and sincerely pray that you will keep trying to find the right medication and therapy to help you through this.

Yes I'm still here....and still wishing I wasn't. I really just want to die. I wish I was strong enough to deal with life's problems, but I'm just not. Life is too hard, and I'm just too weak or lazy or stupid to deal with it. I don't want to try anymore, I just want it to be over.

People keep telling me that life will get better if I give it a chance, but it's been years and life just keeps getting worse. Then they tell me I just need to try another combonation of meds, but no one makes a pill that can cure my terrible life. I'll still have no friends, money, talent or purpose, and I'll still feel just as empty on the inside. How can I possibly live happily in a world I can't stand?

I don't know what to do. I desperatly want someone to comfort me and tell me it's going to be okay, but at the same time I know I'll never be able to believe it's true? And how long do I have to suffer before it's okay that I want to die?

You are going to need to get proactive with your depression dear girl. If you are drug resistant and don't have a tharapist to talk to then I want you to promise me that you'll change your "way of living". By that I mean you need to stop accepting your life as it is...and get busy trying to change it.

I got in "hot water" one time trying to talk to another forum member here who misunderstood my intentions....call it tough love, call it love but you need to find a reason to live. Why??? because we, all of us on this forum, want you to. You are too young to throw it all away.

Get a dog, or a cat, or a bird...find a church, help in the nursing homes by reading to the residents..serve meals at the Rescue Missions...volunteers are needed everywhere and what goes around, comes around. Go for a walk...a bike ride...write in a journal..bake cookies for your neighbors..great way to get acquainted.

Do something, try even if it's hard....and I know the first time will be the hardest.

And get mad at me if that will help!

Ditto what Alffe said!

thelonely1.... I am a real person as is everyone who types their words onto this screen... as are you

every one of us is reaching out and comforting you and telling you that you will be alright.

Every single one of us has walked a parallel path in your life... we do know what you are going through ....

you are in a desperate situation and you are the only one who can change right now... I think you're doing great in talking with us... I KNOW you're feeling rotten..

and that is why you have to go to the hospital and ask for help...

yes, it sucks trying to find the right med... accept that fact.... and keep trying until you find the right med....

you are worth it....

baby steps...