[starstorm]

Well I am totally new to this forum, but I am glad that I found it. I hope it's okay for me to post this story here..you'll see what I mean when you read it I guess. I have many things to talk about in this forum, many other topics to visit. I am in the suicide survivors thread becuase of my mom. I don't even know if she commited suicide or not, but in my head, that's what if feels like.
The story of my mom is complicated and long. But bottom line, she was a prescription drug addict with many sorted health issues and depression. I would never consider her a "bad" mom..she just lost her way somewhere around 1992. I actually have very good and fond memories of her from my child hood..she was an active participant in my and my sister's lives. But after we grew up..she seemed lost. She got involved with a guy who wasn't good for her, abused her and it took years to get away from him and that meant her coming to live with me just before my daughter was born in 2004. I took her in...she was "normal" for a few months and then the signs of her addiction came rushing back. So she lived with me and my husband and our 2 kids for 4 years. When I couldn't deal with her addiction anymore, not wanting her around my kids acting the way she would..totally out of it, totally irrational...I told her she couldn't live with us anymore. This was in April of 2008. I knew how much she loved her grandkids, and how they were basically the only thing keeping her going everyday...and I took them from her, put them in daycare on a Tuesday....well she died some time that Thursday. OD'd on her meds. I had REALLY laid into her the week before...I was very angry with her, resentful..but I still loved her of course. Anyway, she died sometime on May 1st...I found her on May 2nd (friday) after I got off work..she'd been gone for some time. That is when I changed...like a switch flipped...when I felt the cold stiffness of her skin on my finger ( which I can still feel to this day.

There was no note, no saying of good byes, nothing odd..but she had often threatened to kill herself, always talked about what a burden to us she was and then she OD's 2 days after I put my kids in daycare and she gets her own place???? Could be a coincidence...but I am having a hard time believing that. I know no one can answer this question for me..I just need to get it off my chest I guess. I have guilt, wonder what else I could have done for her, wonder if I did everything I could and most of all...had I not kicked her out...would she still be here?

Also sorry this is a bit lengthy...I just don't have anyone to talk to about this.
thanks for listening.