I got my SOS Newletter today and there were several excellent articles in it....one written by a Volunteer Facilitator who used the analogy of fog while doing his usual soul searching..(it's a time of year thing that survivors do..*grin)

He quoted Carl Sandburg..."The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on."

"We are familiar with two metaphors involving the fog. One is the warm and fuzzy cat as a metaphor for the fog, the other is the fog as a metaphor for a confused mental state. Our lost loved ones, if they were in such a fog, were easily disoriented, lost, frightened, and even hopeless. Although we did the best we could at the time, we may not have even been aware they were in a fog."

"Compassion is sometimes an elusive concept. One author I read defined compassion as the ability to enter into someone else's pain without being consumed by it. The fog metaphor gives us and others a possible entrance into the pain of our loved ones. In an unpleasant situation, we will often resort to humor. We sometimes do this as a form of compassion. Other times we use humor rather than exercise compassion. Humor can be our way of alternately acknowledging and denying the unpleasant state, in ourselves and in others. Acknowledging the fog-like state gives it less power over us. When we think we have a choice, it might seem safer to deny than to acknowledge. Denial might appear to do away with the risk of being consumed, but we know it doesn't really keep us safe in the long run.

As survivors, we could say we have been compelled to use compassion when other options have evaporated. Rather than getting angry at others who are not in a similar situation, can we gently (for ourselves as well as them) point the direction for them?"

Author...Dennis Gates SOS Volunteer Facilitator Newletter from Mental Health Center of Dane County

Stigma surrounding suicide remains; although it has lessened over the years. The terms and language used to talk about suicide often continue to contribute to stigma. When we become survivors we may feel that we have little control over many parts of our lives as vulnerability becomes a part of our being. It may feel like stigma engulfs us. References to suicide seem to surround us. We are strongly affected by the words we hear and we may struggle with the words we say.

For those of us who survive (continue to live) after a suicide loss and for those who care about survivors or provide services to them, it is within our power to take small steps to change attitudes. There are options available to reduce stigma.

Throughout history the term "committed suicide" has been used to describe a self-inflicted death. Today the term is outdated. It heightens the stigma attached to suicide and accurate words are available. We think of commiting a crime, committing adultery, committing a multitude of sins. We now know that suicide is the result of an illness, a desperate act to end psychological pain.

The AAS annd AFSP along with other prevention organizations have offered guidelines to the media for the use of language when reporting a suicide. One guideline states, "....it is preferable to describe the deceased as 'having died by suicide,' rather than as 'a suicide', or having 'committed suicide.' The latter two expressions reduce the person to the mode of death or connote criminal or sinful behavior."

.....In your own conversation think of using alternate words which might apply such as "He died by suicide, "He took his own life", "His depression sadly ended in suicide".

When others use the words "committed suicide:, consider, if you have the energy, seeing it as a teachable moment. They can be given a gentle reminder that you feel saying "died by suicide" seems more accurate.

*************by Jeanne Moren (Adams) SOS Volunteer Facilitator in Jan. 2010 SOS Newsletter

Now if I can just remember that!

There was an article in todays paper about Death, and how many family members don't want it mentioned in an obituary!! They will avoid the D word at all costs.....

They say things like...he was called home, crossed over, left us suddenly, passed over to his reward, returned home, went to sleep peacefully, budded on earth, blossomed in heaven, his spirit has soared off to a new adventure.....and the article suggests that if you feel strongly about this, you write your own obituary while you are still able.

So maybe it isn't just suicide, but any death!

Shakes head, climbs on pony, rides around boat....

looking for something else and found this....bump

"There is a cup of water sitting on a table. It is so full, it is rounded
at the top. One of two drops of water are added to the cup and it spills
over. What caused the water to spill? We want to blame the last one or
two drops, but in an empty cup it would not spill.

It was not the water in the cup prior to the drops being added, because if
left alone, it would not have spilled. It was a combination of all the
drops of water in the cup that came before and the last one or two drops
that caused the water to spill.

In a person's life, the water in the cup is symbolic of all the hurt, pain,
shame, humiliation, and loss not dealt with along the way. The last couple
of drops symbolize the "trigger events", "the last straw", the event or
situation that preceded the final act of taking one's own life. Often we
want to blame the trigger event, but this does not make sense to us.

Like the water, these events all by themselves would not cause someone to
end their life. It is the combination of everything in that person's life
not dealt with and the last one or two things that caused our loved ones to
lose hope.

For us, we must find a way to pour out the water along the way. This may be
through talking it out, writing it out, sometimes yelling it out, whatever
works for you. We must learn to deal with our pain in a way our loved ones
could not.

This analogy does not give us the concrete answer many of us are looking for
but I know it makes sense for me and has been helpful for many survivors.
It allowed me to let go of the search for "why", and to find a different way
of dealing with my pain."



***This explanation came from Iris Bolton, the Executive Director of The Link
Counseling Center in Atlanta, GA,