I was sitting in the living room last night dealing with the misery that the 6th of every months seem to share with me, a little gift my block head for a brother left me when he decided to leave the world.
What occurred to me is i seem to be a carbon copy of him...the tests of life seem to be very similar when it comes to the two of us.
i understand his devastation in the reality of failure the falling apart of relationships not once but two PIVOTAL FAILURES. the falling apart of ur heart and the dreams you have ...the want and need to just a be a successful person. And the sadness that comes with feeling so defeated, so incapable, so unworthy of the successes of the heart.
And aside from the heart matters not working ...the pain is not feeling like a successful person when it comes to business. Where we have different situations, i do understand feeling like a loser, like i just am amounting to nothing, someone that the world doesn't need. What a sad lonily place to be surrounded by what a sad hurtful exsistance. And how easy i can imagine it is to fall into the fog of believing after standing up and falling and standing up and falling and standing up and falling, over and over again that your life is just a string of knock outs.
And getting to a point, a frustrated broken tired lonely point that you just say WHY ???? why even try to phantom the strength to get up AGAIN. Ive learned from trying that it is only a matter of time before i get knocked the f out again, im just gonna stay down for the count this time.
what i discovered to ...is when you step in the ring to go rounds with Goliath you need to step in the ring with the faith that you will win the fight, you need to step in the ring knowing your strength is bigger than any thing that trys to knock you down. you need to step in the ring knowing if life gets a lucky shot on u you can take a min.....listen to the count down you dont need to get up right away steady your head so when you do get back on your feet your doing it with some stability and not with a punching bag for a brain and a heart. be prepared to fall but enter into all you do knowing nothing can keep you down. because you are as strong as you allow ur mind to tell you you are, you only have the heart to surge further that you allow yourself to believe you have. You are your own worst enemy

chances are if you find yourself getting knocked out over and over......you were defeated by yourself before you even got in the ring

HI Colleen - nice to meet you.

As I read through your post I realized that, indeed, they were words written as one was definitely being knocked down by oneself... and then to read your last line: it made me realize you know what you are talking about.

I sincerely hope you aren't in that space where you feel horribly defeated by life... and I hope that you have the strength to pull out of it if you are...

you have found a great place of support here in the SOS (Survivors of Suicide) forum... for we all are, in varying ways, indeed survivors. I hope you feel the strength to pull up a chair .... and be patient with us... for we all come and go when we have the strength ourselves....

... I think I can find a chair just like this for you.... we'll put it beside mine and you'll soon see others will join us

Hi ((Colleen)) and welcome. I'm very sorry for your loss. You'll meet good people here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pudOFG5X6uA as posted in a previous post...and its my signatue song below my name



IT DESCRIBES HOPE..............................if we dont have that then?????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????


your pain screams in loud volumes, and not just for the loss of your brother.......................TRUST ME ..............it gets easier to bare.......every day......................[have i lost a loved one to suicide? NO...........

....but i so nearly lost myself?


David