#
Im thinking im wondering....im searching for some understanding.
And what i know is ,,,,that in a stable state of mind no one thinks that no one loves them...because it simply isnt a possibility...someone loves everyone.
Now being a person who has suffered both sides of the coin . someone who has been as low as low could go . someone who felt helpless and hopeless, i understand in retrospect how these feelings can encompass every through process you have. and If you are not a person strong enough to face rejection, than you are not a person strong enough to risk it.AGAIN
In the mind of someone hurting this badly ,the thought of another rejection, another failure, another heart break, another loss, another death, can be the finial nail in the coffin
DEPRESSION in it's self is a mental illness

here is the definition of mental illness

A mental disorder or mental illness is a psychological or behavioural pattern that occurs in an individual and is thought to cause distress or disability that is not expected as part of normal development or culture
It is reasonably clear that there can be chronic mental malfunction, when people's capacities to respond to the world, to absorb and remember information, respond with appropriate emotions, and form coherent plans are impaired. What is not so clear is that the mind can be the self-contained locus of an illness, or whether mental mal-function should always be thought of as the by-product of physical or bodily illness or impairment. If the former, then the mind might be cured by mental means, such as conversation with a therapist. If the latter, the only effective responses would be medical or pharmacological. So the issue has practical as well as purely philosophical importance.

Anyway, it is difficult to view the actions of my brother and not see that he had a choice.....but the reality is that....WHEN THINKING THE WAY SEAN THOUGHT.....YOU DONT HAVE A CHOICE . your mind is not telling you you have a choice, your heart isnt strong enough to fight for you your will is broken, your pride is broken,,, and who you are disappears into the fog of depression.
And who you are is smothered by what takes over.......that being the will to end the pain. the sad voice, the poision of the brain...that we all feel at some point in our lives
trust me it takes a frikin STrONG person to do what my brother did to himself/.....it wasnt lack of strength....it was lack of stability, and ability to hold on to what was real and look at life through a clear set of eyes

so with these thoughts today im am writing what i feel.
today i realize that dealing with someone who takes their life in it's self can cause mental illness."FOR US THE SURVIVORS" it causes a person to feel unstable.it causes a person who normally hold on to there stability with the grip of a vice, to loose, to lelt go of their grip. to get lost in the pain of not understanding, to not be able to make sense of the misunderstood action of the one they love that took there life. is like taking the lives of those u love and shattering us like glass.
It makes you feel unheld by security, it makes you realize the very very vulnerable state of the human mind.
And how easily, if not for yourself, but for others, life can break a person down A person that doesnt have the ability to function through there pain. And hold on to the reality of what they have in their life to offer them hope and a way to the flip side of the coin.
I don't judge my brothers actions today.
today i feel for his insecurity, i feel for his pain, i feel for his inability to find the light at the end of his tunnel. today i feel sorry that Sean was a victim of a mental illness that wasnt discovered until it was to late for him to fix

Hi again Colleen..I'm so glad you found your way here and are talking about your feelings. Our son Michael used a gun in his mouth to end his life...it's been twenty years ago this last January. I remember so well how hard it was to just survive those first two years. I think that his act was an impulsive one brought on by drinking half a bottle of brandy, missing his fiancee who was out of town and his favorite team, the Bears lost.

Are you able to concentrate well enough to read? I couldn't for the first year but then began reading everything I could get my hands on about suicide...what I didn't do was talk about it...I refused to talk to anyone but my husband and he was grieving himself. When you don't talk about what you are feeling you get stuck in an awful place...I'm so glad you are talking to us. Do you have anyone in your life..Pastor, Dr, a friend who is a good listener? I tried to find you on facebook but there were 4 people there with the same name.

And I agree with you that depression is an illness..it took me a long time to forgive my son for making this awful choice...it is the ultimate F-you as far as rejection goes...it takes a long, long time to work through all the anger.

Keep talking.....

Hello Colleen, I'm glad you found this place too. It's a healing place, even for people like me who have never lost a loved one to suicide. When I stumbled upon this forum, I was severly depressed, to the point of being suicidal.

I believe that suicide is not a choice, as hard as it may be to understand. When you are that depressed it is a constant battle. Every time I open the silverware drawer, I literaly have to force myself not to grab a knife and stab it into my wrist. If I fail to stop that impulse even once, then the end result is suicide. I know it might be hard to picture, but if you have even one weak moment that's all it takes.

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, but this is a wonderful, healing place. My depression is so much easier to bear since I found this place. I hope you continue to come here and share with us.

as long as there is a place and a person who reaches out to you with a loving hand, there is always a alternative to suicide.
My heart ache as i read your words . I don't even know you but would feel the loss the "world" would endure at your absence.
Feel your power, over come and do not fall victim to your sadness .
Do you have a diagnosis? And do use have medication that helps you through?
i feel, and have felt and battled with sadness my hole life. I feel it harder to control that sadness since the passing of my brother.
The hurt overwhelms and takes a hold of my emoticons twisting them into knots. But not knots i will "allow myself to be to weak" to unravel i have to ...because under neath it all I WANT TO LIVE i WANT to be HAPPY . I look at the people driving in there cars, smiling and enjoying life, i want that i want to feel that. and I WILL GET THERE.
i will be closer to everything i was intended to be at the end of each day. Each day i will be conscious of doing something that make me feel proud of who i am. How i have touched others lives will be medcine for me. And in that i will find joy. And the joy i find will help heal my wounds, help me find love, help me deal with the scars that have made me who i am today ,i will use my experience and my pain to help others.
that is the gift my brother left me. the ability to help someone goin through what he felt and what i feel through the day
]

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, and I have tried treatments. none of them worked at all, but I never believed they would, somehow I know it's not some chemical imbalance, it's just simple lonliness and emptiness in my life. I find that this forum is a far better treatment than any medication, and as long as I come here I can drive away those self-destructive tendencies.

I'm glad to hear that you want to live, that you have something to strive for. Your experience can truly help so many people that come here, people looking for support and understanding, and you just might find that they help you too. There is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing you made a positive difference in a struggling persons' life.

Thank you for your concern for me, it always bring hope when someone can find the strength to try and help another hurting person, even when they are in so much pain.

I hope you keep reaching for the life you want, because sooner or later you'll find the happiness I know you deserve. Keep fighting, and we'll all be here to help you.

Colleen, first let me say how very sorry I am that you lost your brother. I can see how very hard you are trying to remain strong, to hold onto at least part of who you use to be.

I can relate, and I needed to read your words, and I thank you for sharing them. I lost my Dad to suicide. It will be two years on March 14th. I am trying so hard!!! to remember who I use to be..... but I just can't. I feel just consumed in the loss of Dad and the unanswered questions haunt me......

Your post tho filled with pain, shows your strength, and offers glimmers of hope. I think only another who has lost someone they deeply love to suicide can understand the full ramifications surviors must try to live with. Thank you for sharing with us Nikki

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pudOFG5X6uA please listen to this Colleen1


[sadly suicide is a choice,,,,until society, and the medical world stop it or offer an alternative]


David