Yep, lonely again. It is my nature after all.

It's bright and sunny, but it turns out I can't enjoy it at all with no one to share it with. And all day I'm reminded that everyone else is happily taking advantage of the nice weather, and that just makes the lonliness worse. I tried to call my friend, but there was no answer, and I don't expect to be called back anytime soon, or even at all. Maybe she's busy, or maybe the voice in my head is right when it says she doesn't really like me. Either way it makes me feel worse.

Music, tv, movies, everything makes it worse. Everything reminds me that I'm alone and worthless. Whenever I'm lonely, there's a slowly throbing pain in my chest and arm, like my heart is faltering and failing. God I wish it would kill me. I don't want to kill myself right now, but I sure wish something would do the job for me. I try so hard to think happy thoughts, but in my heart I know that those thoughts are just fantisies; if I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I can imagine being happy, but then it's gone so fast...

I honestly think there is no reason at all for me to exist, and it's so hard for me to look for work, or clean the house, or do anything at all. I'm trying so hard to hate the world less, but God isn't making it easy, or maybe even possible...

Sorry for the downer thread, but seeing as I can't get any actual physical human contact, it's nice to have some way to get the bad feelings out.

Thanks for listening.

That's what we are here for dear friend. Can you get a pet? Dogs are wonderful creatures and cats can be a lot of company too. If you can't own one could you volunteer at the Humane Society...ours always needs help with the animals they care for.

We just adopted a new dog last Sat and I'd forgotten how busy they make you and how much fun they are.

Do you go to church? They often have group activities that are fun and a good place to meet people. Could you go to a nursing home and read to the residents....old people can be fun...

I'm sorry you are so miserable and lonely....still thinking here...

HEY there theNOTlonely1 ..

I'm one of those who is "taking advantage of the nice weather" but not in the sense I'm assuming you meant ... I didn't go outside. Instead I stayed in, opening my blinds, windows and patior door. I enoyed this sunny day here on the southwest coast of BC.

I'm sorry that you're so depressed

............ and I sincerely hope you one day recognize you are worth far more than you are giving yourself credit for.

Addy

Thanks for the kind words guys.

No Alffe, I can't have a pet, and I couldn't afford one anyway; I can't even afford rent every month, and my share is only $300. I also don't go to church, I don't fit in there.

And Addy, it's hard for me to see my own self worth because I've failed at everything I've ever done. I was always the kid who got the "you tried your best" awards, (which made me feel worse than no award at all ). I was, at best, average in school. I dropped out of college after three and a half years, with less credits than your average two year student. I have no ambition or practical intrests in the world, and I don't even qualify to get a job as a dishwasher, as if there was somewhere lower I could start.

Plus, with all the people I've "met" in college, I guarantee not one person remembers me. All I want is one person to want to spend time with me. Why does no one like me? What am I doing so wrong that I can't get someone to spend more then a couple hours a month in my presence?



Tomorrow is the one day a week that I don't have to be up by 7:00. I'll probably be in bed before 11:00 tonight, and I won't get up until 10:00 tomorrow. And even after 11 hours in bed, I still won't have the energy to willingly get up.



I know I've said all of this before, but life just keeps getting harder to deal with and I have no idea how to make it easier.

On Monday it was my son's 18th birthday [the son who has caused me a lot of recent turmoil]

putting that aside
He chose against our guidance to have a tattoo on his birthday, But still i took the day off work hoping he might want to spend some time with his family.

i ventured into the town centre on the day, to here of a Murder the night before.
Initial rumour was that the son of A pub i go in[bar] Landlord [owner] had been killed in a fight.

The person named was someone i knew, so i ventured
to the location, which was cordoned off by the police.
The bar was still open [which seemed odd, and other regulars were reluctant to clarify or deny the rumours of this young mans death].

Over the road from this pub is another pub, and it was unavoidably noticeable when the police cordon and forensic tent was dismantled that the 40-50 youths congregated outside the pub were connected to the deceased.

i saw another young man i know across the road, and after a quick chat realised the deceased was not the person i thought, but someone my eldest son knew, [via his brother]. The person whom i thought was dead apparently was the person who had hit the deceased boy twice, he fell awkwardly and so sadly fell to his death.

A 25 & dead A 22& Looking at 15-20 years of imprisonment pending.....................what a xxxxing waste of life.



So on Tuesday am.............7 o'clock upon arriving at work to find a manager present with the night worker talking to 5 young men in a room all drinking and had been all night [hence the presence of a manager, after the night worker was threatened with violence]

24 HOURS PASS............. and a simple 'tell them off comes back from higher management'..................

Daily i go to work thinking i can make a difference, [politely as the only male /bar the night] staff amongst 4 female support workers , i always end up giving out the rollickings to aggressor's, and i am seen As the blunt/whipping post for all concerned.



Lonelyone............your lonely?..............god i know i. am..

but tomorrow i am going to change that......

i am intending to right a lot of wrongs...............................i have e-mailed tonight my two immediate managers a senior manager and company director,,,,,,,,,,,,,categorically stating the disgusting manner in which their employees are expected to work without question or support [when times get exceedingly rough]

I have for many years seen the backward way our society has spiralled out of control, and witnessed first hand my liberal superiors white wash bad/appalling & anti-social behaviour. [then have the cheek to point fingers at staff for not turning people around/ who sadly could never turn around even on a carousel]


I am lost for words.............yet Lonelyone's Thread ............screams out..............LONELY [GOD I UNDERSTAND THAT]

David

Would that we could change the world. (((David)))