Yep, lonely again. It is my nature after all.

It's bright and sunny, but it turns out I can't enjoy it at all with no one to share it with. And all day I'm reminded that everyone else is happily taking advantage of the nice weather, and that just makes the lonliness worse. I tried to call my friend, but there was no answer, and I don't expect to be called back anytime soon, or even at all. Maybe she's busy, or maybe the voice in my head is right when it says she doesn't really like me. Either way it makes me feel worse.

Music, tv, movies, everything makes it worse. Everything reminds me that I'm alone and worthless. Whenever I'm lonely, there's a slowly throbing pain in my chest and arm, like my heart is faltering and failing. God I wish it would kill me. I don't want to kill myself right now, but I sure wish something would do the job for me. I try so hard to think happy thoughts, but in my heart I know that those thoughts are just fantisies; if I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I can imagine being happy, but then it's gone so fast...

I honestly think there is no reason at all for me to exist, and it's so hard for me to look for work, or clean the house, or do anything at all. I'm trying so hard to hate the world less, but God isn't making it easy, or maybe even possible...

Sorry for the downer thread, but seeing as I can't get any actual physical human contact, it's nice to have some way to get the bad feelings out.

Thanks for listening.