Oh dear friends, who I turn to constantly for strength at my weakest hour. I just logged in here and couldn't believe that I haven't been here in 18 months. So much has changed for me...some good, some bad If you are bored, fill your favorite cocktail/drink, a cozy chair and I will try to fill you in as best as I can....it may take a while, so get comfortable.

For those of you who don't know me, I've been around from the "old" forums (1996/97ish). I am a chronic pain person (crushed a bunch of disks in my neck). I am a survivor of suicide, my mom took her life, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 10 years. I finally broke free of that, and at 40 years old found my true soul mate and love of my life. Michael and I were two halves that made a whole. Sadly, on December 19, 2005, Michael passed away of a massive heart attack next to me, while I slept, he was 44.

At the point I lost Michael, I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore, I lost my soul mate, my friend, my lover. I lost me...I stopped laughing, crying, I was just "here". I proceeded to shut myself away...I didn't want to play anymore, so I stopped talking to friends, family...everyone. After 2 years I was running out of money and I really didn't care, I didn't want to be a part of "this world" anymore, it hurt too much. I would post occasionally, but I was in the "pit".

Long story longer....the phone was turned off, I was facing evection...this was little stuff, didn't anyone realize that I didn't want to live? Finally my dad got worried when he couldn't reach me and he called the cops to do a well check on me. I guess the police didn't think I was too "well" as I was given a free ride to the local Mental Health Crisis Hospital. I was there 10 days, which a variety of meds were tried....some worked, some didn't.

I came home, was interested again in my life and doing things, but my prior lack of interest in my living situation caught up with me. I was being evicted from my home and I had no income to stop it. Thank God for good friends, for the day before the Sheriff was to show up to evict me, a friend showed up, packed up the house and moved me into his place (he's gay), all within 24 hours.

That truly is the condensed version, is everything perfect, no way. Do I laugh every day, you bet...am I optomistic...I am. Do I have any idea what the future holds...not a clue. I still don't want to experience that pain of living, but I realize that I would also miss the sweet smell of roses, the sound of laughter, the amazing sight of hummingbirds....yeah, I am hoping agin.

If I can come from the depts of despair that I was at, please keep fighting to life, because you truly are worth it

I was gone for awhile, but I'm here now, and if you need to talk, I'll be here to listen, just keep fighting.

Alffe, sheesh, everyone, thank you all for being there for me whenever I would need you, even if I just lurked. I pray I can pay it forward....

Cris