[Xienite]

Ahh, kind, gentle souls, you who listen without judgment, the world should take lesions from this room.. I apologize for not being here as much as I wanted or said I would. The best laid plans. I’ve come to another dip in my life road (depression ahead) and my bi-polar logic is if I work hard enough or long enough I an out run it. So, I’ve re-arranged all the cabinets in the kitchen (uhh, there is no dishwasher other than me), I’ve torn out the ugly weed filled lawn in the front yard and planted almost everything new. I was doing everything I could think of to “keep busy” and try not to think too much, and then something comes up and slaps you right across the face…hard and gets your attention.

My first Grand-buddy, Joe…that poor kid. Alffe and some of the others who have been here know the road he’s traveled so far. When Joe was 2 months old, he was homeless, so Michael and I took him in (along with mom and dad). He lived with us that time for a little over a year. When he was 10 months old, he stopped breathing…full respiratory arrest, a week in PICU and all the doctors could come up with is that he “forgot to breathe” and declared him fine. Fast forward a year, and Joe was one again homeless, so Michael and I took him (and his sister) in and had them for 6 months (this was 2004) before he went to live with is mother and father (my son). A month after that Joe was attacked by a Pit Bull dog and was scalped…124 stitched in his 4 year old head, but he recovered…what a tough little guy.

Now, he is having brain surgery (or already had it) and I have no idea how he is doing. What I have found out is that he had fluid on his brain (not sure how it got there and afraid to speculate) and needed emergency surgery to release the pressure. The frustrating part is that Joe’s “mom” likes to just give me bits and pieces…and I just wait and wonder.

If (I hate that word. if), I was the old me, I would have been on a plane to Texas knocking on doors until I found out where Joe was and getting answers directly from the doctor. Now, I worry and pace. For some reason I don’t have the fight in me anymore…it has nothing to do with caring. Because I do, it’s like I just don’t have the energy anymore and that realization breaks my heart and I ask myself what’s the point of me being here if I can’t even fight for the little guys?

I guess the tide has changed and I am now surfing the wave of depression. Hopefully it will be a short ride Thank you for always being there as I try to sort things out…I’m not sure if I am exhausted, ******, frustrated, sad…my brain is going too fast one second and not fast enough the next.

I’m going to try to get some sleep…only been doing 3 or 4 hours the past few weeks, and hopefully things will look better for Joe and myself. Please all who read this say a prayer, send a good vibe or whatever it is that you do, that this little guy gets well and stays well. Thanks again for making this a safe place to put my thoughts. ~ Cris

[Alffe]

Good morning Cris... There is such a time difference between us that I was in bed asleep when you posted. Of course I'm sending prayers up for Joe and the same for you. How frustrating to get jerked around some more by that "woman". I won't bother you with "what goes around, comes around" because it doesn't help at all for the NOW.

I'll bet the yard looks spectacular and you're giving me guilts about the kitchen cupboards. *grin

Depression is such a beast Cris but remember that you aren't alone with it. We care and are here for you. Sending positive thoughts your way and reminding you to let the man upstairs do the heavy lifting.

[FeelinGoofy]

Cris, Add me to the list of people who are praying. Not only for Joe, but for you.... {{{{{HUGS}}}}

[da duck]

My prayers as well, for you and for Joe. And I understand the depression. It robs you of the ability to DO, but we all know how much you care. Nothing takes that away....thank God.
We're with you.

[Lisa in Ohio]

May God be with you and Joe through this trying time. I always think of the "Foot Prints" poem when I am being beaten by depression. So my friend, let him carry you through this patch. Lisa

[Wren]

Cris - a friend just sent me this and I thought of you.......

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

[Lara]

(((Cris))) Thinking of you.

[Doody]

((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry I wasn't here when you posted this. My prayers are with you.