aHA! So, regarding your Thyroid - am i comprehending you correctly?
When you say 'nothing' was there.....do you mean nothing as in 'dead battery' low thyroid function (HyPOthyroid) ?
Orrr do you mean nothing was there that has any relevence....?
Cuz, if your thyroid is dead - WOW! 'THERE's yer TICKET!'......

Oh, and the SCS thing - no way was implying you should check in to this.....
just was sharing the route I have taken..... I certainly wouldn't recommend it in your case....but what do i know!
So, your pain issue isn't a constant one..... that's good! I guess somehow I was assuming constant (physical) pain was your companion....but if that's not the case, your Dr probably will rule against the Fentanyl....(it's a pretty potent opioid) and used for chronic/constant pain.
Sounds like you have 'flare' issues......
Ok, I'll quit trying to play Dr.....I just got excited thinking that if they targeted something like your thyroid....then you could get on a better path and won't feel so down and out....this is my prayer anyhow....

And thank you for the vote of confidence in that the best part of my life has only begun Ever since the day I turned 40, things began to look pretty grim. I honestly thought I was on my way out.
New Beginnings! Yeah!

Quoting one of your most recent statements:
"I think my own case had elements of all 4 types......"
Key word: 'HAD' <<--- I've never loved a word used in 'past tense' more than I have when I read that

Rae

Hello, Rae: Thanks for your latest of the latest of...

By no problem with the thyroid, I meant: no problem. Sorry that I wasn't clear. My doctor said I had the physical makeup of somebody who will live to be a 100. When he said it, I thought instantly, "God forbid." So, if I didn't have this neurological disease and arthritis, I'd be physically in good shape.

Again, the Lyrica is masking the pain quite well -- some sudden quacks aside. The problem is, I'm paying a price for it. Other than feeling exhausted, I suspect there's another price hidden back there; the bill will be presented to me later. Bad liver, bad teeth, whatever.

The 40th birthday is always psychologically a BBBIGGG date. Like moving from one house to another: disturbing. 30th birthday, too; you're no longer young, yet you're not old either.

"Had" versus "have": I'm still not out of the woods yet. Not by a long shot. Are you?

I'd better sign off. My nonbeer is getting to me...

Bestest

Tom

Hello, David: Zing!! Like the true poet that you are, you went straight to the heart of the matter: "I ask you candidly if your pain could be controlled and or removed would your thoughts of taking your life, end." In a word, no, they would not end. I've thought about suicide 1,000s of times, but never did a single thing about it until last year -- never; it was the physical pain that drove me over the edge.

Physical pain forces you into the present. No time or will or anything else to reconsider the past, much less the future. From that standpoint, pain is definitely a form of violation. Rape, even.

You mentioned the "wild beast" that came out in you before you did what you did: I had exactly the same experience which I will relate elsewhere. It's getting to be time to clear my head a bit, and SAY -- as you did -- what I was thinking and feeling at the time I decided to take my own life. It's been building; like you, I never told a soul about it before...

David, take care of YOU, too.

Tom

aww shucks. ok.
There for a split second in time I thought I had the privelege of stumbling upon the 'Red Herring Smokescreen' . Darn.

Yes, turning 40. I received plenty of black balloons and a cake decorated with gags i dare not mention...... (i have pirates for friends)

Out of the woods......me?.......nope.
Nor can I seem to see the forrest thru the trees.....

I still battle many 'ups' and 'downs'......sometimes the spikes make me question whether or not they transcend the barrier of 'normal' moods.....
Somehow I suspect they do indeed fall outside the boundary....... thus, i have pitched my tent and nested into this wonderful forum.......
where I can speak a language that only we seem to understand.

Mark, you better bring on another poem...... !......
I'm not supposed to drink with the meds i take!

Physical and Mental pain go hand in hand... another brilliant post dear David... and something I am so grateful to have learned ...

Medication = pot - try it out, its way different than anything we experienced in the late 60 and 70's ... it can help both physical and mental... I speak from experience.

Talk therapy has helped me ... once I was able to allow others to reach me, I reached out more... and I continue to reach out...

As I change my mind, my body changes...

Addy

Tom:

Re: Spinal Tap (which can reveal A GREAT DEAL about your body). You mention that you have one YEARS AGO and it was horrible.

Sounds exactly like what contributed to my dental phobia. I had to overcome LOTS OF STRESS, etc, to find my phobia dentist who treats my teeth and my fears.

Fear will knock you dead. Stress kills. This I am sure.

And I found out that if you go to the right dentist with all the new techo gizmos, well, you find out that they don't hurt you. I now take scrupulous care of my teeth but I will go every six months for a cleaning. He's already done two crowns on me and he's a lovely man.

Now let's talk about spinal taps. My husband had one and he said it was NOTHING. The key is to get a guy who uses a fluroscope that will guide him.

My husband, again, FELT NOTHING. And the only place he has neuropathy is his feet, so he has full feeling on his back, in his spine, etc.

So, hopefully, when you are ready to overcome this last hurdle, you can find a doctor who performs spinal taps USING THE LATEST GIZMOS.

You never know, you might find a doctor who lights up your spine with some holographic device.

I live in a Star Trek way of thinking.

lol
Melody

Hello, Melody (Mellow-Dee: how beautiful...)

Thanks for your post. I'll certainly follow up, now that you provided that update. Yes, there is no substitute for a spinal tap for certain dx's; for polio, you MUST do it -- period. It's just that ... my god ... Well, we'll see what they have to say when and if the time comes.

Again, I thank you. I feel better about it. Which isn't to say, I'm looking forward to it.

Tom

Hello, Rae: Thanks for yours. I would say if you question, if you suspect that your spikes are outside the boundary, then they probably are O.K. It's when somebody does NOT suspect, does NOT question, that the truly serious, sometimes devastating, problems begin. Strange, curious, isn't it. No questions was certainly my case last year, when I went for a walk in the woods. All trees, no forest. No forest anywhere did I see ...

I always found it interesting that "curious" and "cure" have the same root.

Keep on it.

Tom

Rrae (don't mean to go off topic or hijack this thread) but I had to respond to your.....

"Yes, turning 40. I received plenty of black balloons"

Balloons????You want to talk about Balloooons??

I turned 40 about 22 years ago, when I was working for a company in NYC.

I never thought anyone would do what they did.

I walk into work, and someone says "Happy Birthday" and I said "Oh, thank you", and then someone asked me (I have no idea how the conversation turned to flowers and balloons", and I must have said "oh, I'm not into those things", when I saw everyone's fall down to the ground.

All of a sudden someone walks over to me with these HUGE FLOATING BALLOONS that say "HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY". I just stared, (I will never forget this). Now if this happened today, of course I would be delighted to be wished Happy 40 ANYTHING, because I'm in my 60's.

But when you go from 39 to the big 4 0, well you don't want it advertised.

Of course I had a big smile on my face and they said "We hope you don't mind but when you said you are not into balloons and flowers", and I just made it right by saying 'Oh, I said that because I didn't want anyone to go to any trouble for my birthday". They ALL sighed this huge sigh of relief and all went well.

UNTIL MELODY TOOK THE SUBWAY HOME.

Have you ever ridden the subway holding 10 balloons with HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY ON THEM???

Every single person on that train said the following to me '

"Oh wow, you reached the big 40, what does it feel like, do you feel old?" "What's it like to be 40?" asked by 25 year olds, etc. etc.

I wanted to stick my head in the bottom of a barrel.

I can laugh about it now. I was NOT laughing back then.

lol

Melody

Melody, what you describe in a vibrant way is the place of aging in our society. Elders are not respected as they are in other, so-called "primitive" cultures; indeed, anybody over 40 (as you discovered) is put out to pasture. this is particularly devastating in our culture which identifies and values PEOPLE in terms of their socio-economic POSITION. Next time you get the chance, ask a doctor who he is: chances are, he'll say a doctor. And so, when you retire or otherwise lose your position, you are nobody. Note below the statistic for white males; they are the hardest hit.

So, is there a relationship between old age and suicide? Here is the conclusion of the U.S. Government:

"Are older adults at risk?
Older Americans are disproportionately likely to die by suicide.

Of every 100,000 people ages 65 and older, 14.3 died by suicide in 2007. This figure is higher than the national average of 11.3 suicides per 100,000 people in the general population. 1
Non-Hispanic white men age 85 or older had an even higher rate, with 47 suicide deaths per 100,000."

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...on/index.shtml

This comes under what Durkheim would categorize as anomic suicide, I think. Society -- or rather its breakdown, distortions, ruptures, changes, etc. -- is a causal element. Indeed, feeling old and worthless and pushed aside and generally out of it, was a major cause of my own attempt at 65. I felt as if my America, the one I grew up in with certain values and traditions and so forth, no longer existed. To this day I have my doubts.

There's something else that comes with aging. People you knew and loved, one by one, fall off the cliff into oblivion. Younger people who are reading these words, if I could give you one bit of advice, it would be this: don't outlive your friends. Make new ones, always...

Tom