Everyone:

I want to thank you for your concern. I had to go absent for a while and try to come up with some money. I failed, so my economic situation is becoming desperate. If you know anybody who needs writing/editing work, I would certainly appreciate your sending them my way.

Garbage on top of garbage; hills, mountains of garbage. On October 28, I decided I had had enough. I went someplace not far away. It was cold; I was wearing my winter coat. I pulled the hood over my head, pulled the cords so that the hood covered my face. In four seconds or so, I would be free.

That's when … a young couple arrived, sat down. They were playing rap music on a radio and drinking beer. We said hello, nice couple actually, and I waited.

Well, I waited and waited. I refuse to end my life with anybody around; they would probably feel responsible in some way, try to stop me, or be wrongfully implicated. These two were partying. After more than 40 minutes, I realized they were going to stay until dark, so I went home. I wonder … were they there, shall we say, for more than coincidental reasons? Or, was it simply one more in a long, long series of frustrations, irritations, and failures? Put crudely, was something better coming along, and I had been saved for it? Maybe, I'll have an answer this month. My money won't hold out beyond that.

Anyway, I wasn't totally convinced that I had been spared for a purpose. I have had too many downturns and setbacks not to be cynical. So, I went back to the same place the following day.

People came and went the entire afternoon. Finally, after 3 hours, I was alone. Dusk was starting. Nobody would see me – nobody. I pulled the cords to tighten the hood around my face so that I could not see what I was going to do. Four seconds, then freedom. Everything was ready, including a note I had written. I paused, listened to my breathing, my heart beating, the sounds of birds and leaves in trees around me, and the distant traffic. The moment I had waited for, planned for, was here.

That's when … I realized that I do not want to die. I want to live. An amazing realization – as shallow as it is deep. Waves brought it up in an earlier post. Only, I experienced it this time emotionally, not rationally. It was a protoplasmic decision, if such a thing is possible. It turned my life around. Whether it will stay that way depends now on a few things outside my control; I know I shouldn't think that, but it's true. We Americans are tempted to say that everything is ultimately in our control -- but it isn't. One thing is now certain: if the failures and frustrations continue and I take my own life, it will not be done voluntarily.

I should note that most definitions of suicide require that it be "voluntarily" done, as opposed to being forced. Sorry, "voluntarily" is not the opposite of "forced" -- that's what my experience taught me. Let's say you take your life, and outer events are not forcing you (such as the 9/11 fire). I think that even in that case, it is possible that you do not take your life voluntarily, i.e., you must force yourself to do it. Thus, you can truly kill yourself against your will – involuntarily - apart from being forced to do so by an outside event.

The problem is, "voluntarily" has many meanings. For example, if you mean it in the sense of a will completely free from unconscious impulsions and physical reflexes, well, I don't think anybody who commits suicide is entirely free of such things: in truth, nobody is. Ergo, if you stick literally with that formalistic meaning, nobody commits suicide.

Anyway, an incredibly strong desire to live is there inside me despite physical discomfort and weaknesses, despite grave money problems, despite, well, everything. Is that "despite" what makes us humans and not some other animal? You want to live despite it all: that is a basic starting point, sort of a protoplasmic assumption on which all other assumptions are made and find meaning. The meaning of meaning, if you will.

Tom

This is just an incredible post in so many ways Tom. Your insight, your honesty...your ability willingness to share here..you truely are a "survivor" and I pray that you continue to be. (you also brought our Lara back..now if David will show up...*grin)

My day is going to be a lot brighter because of what you posted and I thank you.

I wish I had news of editing/writing work to give you. You have obvious talent and ability in that area..the economy is terrible as you well know.

Welcome "home"...please stay in touch and I'm so glad you made that
"protoplasmic decision".....

Congratulations Tom You made the hard, right, good decision.

Tom,

I'm so glad you came back. I missed you.

Doxie

I'm so glad you came to this realization dear Tom!

Money problems just suck and drag us deep, don't they... arrrgh!

Addy

So glad you checked in ((Tom)).

So many of us are struggling financially right now. Please don't feel alone in that.

Thanks for your comment, Doody. I wish I were only struggling financially ...

As mentioned in a previous post, I am fed up with Lyrica. I take 75 mg twice per day. It does a wonderful job of killing the pain in my right leg and ankle, but the price is supreme fatigue, depression, and inability to concentrate. Two nights ago, I woke up sweating, breathing quickly -- sort of a panic attack without the panic. So, as I noted a month ago, I'm anxiously looking for alternatives.

Doximama mentioned (see this string, page 10) taking 50 mg daily of the painkiller elavil. A doctor friend suggested I take 100 to 150 mg per day, that it would make me sleepy, which is O.K. if I take it at night. He also said elavil is often mixed with prolixin, 1 to 5 mg per day. Does anybody out there have experience with that mixture? If so, what happened?

As always, I thank everybody for your advice and DISsent.

Tom

Hi Tom...I don't have any experience with those meds but hopefully someone will come along who does. I just didn't want you to think you were being ignored...it's a question of ignorance.

((Tom)) I know you have so much going on. I was just saying...those money issues can make everything else seem so much worse.

I asked Mrs. D if she might stop by and let us know a little about the elavil. Hopefully she'll come along.

A co-worker of mine took Lyrica for awhile but those same side effects got the best of her. I hope the elavil works for you.

Elavil yes, prolixin, eh...not really.

Lyrica does cause suicidal ideation in some people. It can be highly depressing.

Prolixin is a potent antipsychotic, with all the negative baggage that comes with it. Tardive being the worst.

But Elavil does work for pain. It is often offered for neuropathic pain. Many on our Peripheral Neuropathy forum use it or have used it. It is an older tricyclic antidepressant, and not a "pain" reliever as such. It works in the brain to blunt pain impulses.

Many can get by with 10 or 25mg at night. It will sedate at those low doses. Some use up to 100mg at night, but that is not always needed.

Anyone with cardiac problems with rhythm, needs an EKG before starting.

I'd have to ask why you have this pain in the first place. Sometimes that can be addressed with supplements if you are lacking something...say Vit D and/or B12.

I invite you to our Peripheral Neuropathy forum...
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum20.html

There ARE alternatives to oral drugs for pain... depending on the source of the pain. Lidoderm patches and magnets are only one topical approach. If you search those words, you will find my posts on both.