[thelonely1]

My mind has re-calibrated itself. It has been stuck in misery for so long, this is now how I feel normaly; I can't imagine feeling any better then miserable. That fact doesn't even make me feel sad anymore, it's just a fact, like 2 + 2 = 4, something obviously true but elicts no emotional response whatsoever. Sometimes I feel worse then miserable, but mostly I just feel nothing, numbness.

The only reason to ever get out of bed is to go to work. The only reason to work is to make enough money to support myself. I want to support myself so I don't ever have to interact with another person. Every day it's harder to talk to people, there's just nothing for me to say, and it's not worth the effort of trying.

Nothing is ever worth the effort of trying. I tried to get better once... I tried to make friends once... so much effort and absolutly no benefit. Even posting here is usualy too much effort. It takes me forever to sort out what I want to say, word it in a way that makes sense, check the spelling, phrasing... it takes so much time for me. I'm typing now in a rare fit of effort. I don't expect anything to be better afterword. I just have some time to kill... some worthless, worthless time.

Nothing brings me joy or fulfillment. I don't really want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. (who would want to be around me?) How long until working isn't worth the effort? When will I just say **** it and go live on the streets? Would anyone even notice? Not likely. How long will it be before I can't feel anything at all? How long before I can't tell the difference between right and wrong? How long before I slip into complete psycopathy, the inability to feel human emotion; I may as well be a robot, except robots are built to serve a purpose.

And what do I expect people to say to this post? I certainly don't expect anyone to be able to help me, and even if they might, I don't want to exert the effort to get better. Happiness is never going to happen to me, I am 100% positive. And I know, I can't know what the future holds, but it's been23 years and I've yet to find out what happiness even feels like. I'm begining to think it's just another one of those lies parents tell their children to preserve their hope and innocence.

[Alffe]

Lonely1, this is what you said to David when he was struggling

"The definition of courage is, to stand up for your principles despite personal risk.

Anyone who would chastise you for having morals is either too shallow and petty to have morals themselves, or they are just too arrogant to admit that they don't have the courage to follow their oun principles.

You have done what you know in your heart is right, and no one can judge you for that."


imho, that is very smart stuff and it the kind of support that we have all come to expect from you. I wish you could "redefine" yourself and see you the way we do....I wish you could feel hopeful about your future. I understand that you don't feel that way and I respect your honesty.

I think you are wrong but then I am old and know how things can change with time...good changes, bad changes but things do not ever stay the same. It doesn't happen overnight. Please try to see yourself floating on your back while we carry you.
__________________

[Addy]

I have to be honest... I read your post last night my friend... and I couldn't respond... because I want to "help" you and I know that I can't....

the only one who can help you is you....

so I echo what Alffe said...

and I hope that one day you find out you are worth every ounce of fight you might have inside you to become the person you want to be...

I'm here for you... I think you know that!

xo

[doxiemama]

You don't know me. I am what is called a "lurker". I have been wanting to share for a while but it has become more difficult to do this because my brain and my fingers don't work as well as they used to because of my ms.

From the moment I "met" you, I have seen you grow and I have admired how well you express yourself. I see you as a person that if I lived near you I'd want you as a friend. You are a beautiful and caring person.

Doxie

[thelonely1]

Thank you all for coming to listen to me whine again. I know I make it hard to help me, after all, you've already told me everything, but nothing seems to have any effect on me. It's why friends leave me, and it's why doctors hate me (and I'm not particulaly fond of them).

And I know it's impossible for others to understand what's wrong with me. If you ask a normal person what they want, or what they enjoy, they'll be able to list all the things that make them happy. But when you ask me the same question you get a blank stare. I can't even start to write my list because I don't have anything to write. And I know that's impossible but it happened. I've examined all of my options and none of them appeal to me.

So I just sit and watch the world go by, because I have no interest in being a part of it.

[Alffe]

You aren't whining Lonely1, you are telling us how you feel. I guess you are lurking on life and have yet to find something of interest...nothing wrong with that either. Feel free to comment or not....just know that we are here for you and we do care.

[BlueMajo]

Argh, I wanted to quote something you said and could never find it again.... Nevermind, you said something like you just see the world pass infront of you instead of intereacting with it, and to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that...

Im not a fan of those extra positive, optimisstic people who say we have to be happy 24/7 only because we exist... We are here, that's it... It is not the paradise... but we can help ourselves a little bit trying not to live in hell either...

You are too young, and we dont have a magic ball to see your future, but try not to think much and just... survive... one day you will find your purpose in this life, and, you might stop surviving and start living...

I think you worry alot thinking you are not happy and that you dont have any interest... but those 2 things arent a problem either... Just survive... "Ride the wave" you know ?? Do or live what makes you confortable... IF you dont have any interest, well, it is because you dont need it... why worry thinking "why I dont like nything ??" Because you simply dont and that's ok.

"HAppiness"... first of all... What's that ?? I think every person has a different meaning for happiness, and a diferent scale of happiness... so, who knows.... maybe under my principles for example, nobody can be happy in this world... so, why should I worry thinking about me not being happy ??

We are just here... and Im going to say it again... RIDE THE WAVE.... LEt the things just flow... that's it.

IT is not bad if you dont like people... I can tell you I "hate" 99% of the people probably or something... they are cruel, but what... Im here right ?? What for... ?? Still wondering... but living in my world is not that bad...

Heck, I think I rambled enough for today...

Sorry if my post sound non-sense...

X 1,000,000

[Addy]

you are never nonsense dear friend

And lonely1 ... just knowing you are here with us is comfort...
I mean that!!!

Its not easy being a human... and sometimes we're just too darn analytical about it all...

[barbo]

Originally Posted by Addy

you are never nonsense dear friend

And lonely1 ... just knowing you are here with us is comfort...
I mean that!!!

Its not easy being a human... and sometimes we're just too darn analytical about it all...

Right ON Addy!

[ginnie]

write to me, you arn't alone and there are still good people out there who would not hurt you. I know depression, illness, the loss of a child, my family blackmailing me, all kinds of crap, but you know through it all, I have found ways to survive with my sanity intact. The fact you reached out says a whole lot about you. I am 59. I inte act with people on this site because they are not fakes. These are some real people with some real scarry issues in their lives. I think this site is for people who have some holes in the heart. Maybe reaching out to other humans in cyber land is a way of plugging some of those holes so they don't hurt as much. I am not smart, just an average lady, an artist, with grown up kids with problems too. Somehow connecting with others helps when you are scared, mad, not wanting to go on. I got sick of my own problems and sick of my own complaining. Keep tapping back, and try to be open to the possibility that there are people who care, just leave a crack open, you never know why you will get. Life is like forest gump said, it like a box of chocolate, you never know what you will bite into. Keep your head up, you too are the child of the universe, made of startdust. ginnie