By Henry T. Close

There is no question but that your parents failed you as parents. All parents fail their children, and yours are no exception. No parent is ever adequate for the job of being a parent, and there is no way not to fail at it. No parent ever has enough love, or wisdom, or maturity, or whatever. No parent ever succeeds.

This means that part of your task - like that of every other person - is to supplement what your parents have given you, to find other sources of parenting. You need more mothering than your mother could give you, more fathering than your father had to offer, more brothering and sistering than you got from your siblings.

The problem is complicated by the demands our society makes on parents to be good parents. They are supposed to be 100 percent adequate, and it is a terrible disgrace if they are not. If they are successful, their children will reward them with devoted love, obedience and success; if they are not, their children will turn out to be unloving, disobedient, and unsuccessful. This is the prevailing conviction of our society. But when parents buy this notion, they put themselves in an impossibile position. They try first to be 100 percent adequate, and then when they inevitably fail at this, they try to appear 100 percent adequate. In either case, they cling to you, demanding that you get all your parenting from them, thus reassuring them that they have been good parents. They may also demand that you be loving, obedient, and successful, since this would be living proof of their success as parents. They thus find it difficult to let you grow up - that is, to find other sources of parenting. This means that you will have to grow up inspite of them rather than wait for their permission. They will not make it easy for you, and you must do it on your own.

To grow up, it is necessary for you to forgive your parents. But you must forgive them for your sake, not theirs. Their self-forgiveness is up to them, not you, and they cannot afford to wait for you to forgive them anymore than you can afford to wait for them to forgive you. When you do not forgive them, it means that you are still expecting all your parenting from them. You are clinging to them in the hope that if you can make them feel guilty enough, they will finally come through with enough parenting. But this is impossible, and in order for you to be really free to find other parenting, you must forgive.

"On Parenting" appeared in Voices: The Art and Science of Psychotherapy IV (1968) and is taken from Raising Kids O.K., Babcock & Keepers 1976

You can see how old this article is....I believe it is as true today as in 1976..it hung on my refridgerator for years.

Makes me think of another thread with discussion of dysfunctional families.

Thanks for posting that Ms. Alffe. So much of that is true. Lord knows I held onto a few things about my parents that, well, really and truly affected me. And for the most part, only one or two of those things have really changed. That holding on to those feelings for years...well, what a waste of emotional energy. Total waste of emotional energy.

I can't use up any more time playing a 'blame' game.

I feel that in understanding this, I also let myself "off the hook"... as I did the best I could with who I was at that time...

another bump and hugs for the room!

and this truly be the case
as my father screwed up my natural process into
womanhood having a father who was a voyeuristic
with me and my sister
commits suicide
a mother who knew of his sick ways with us
a mother who still lives with her 3rd man divorced
but live together
a mother who didn't protect us
a mother who needs that man to define her
a mother i am estranged from for my own mental well being
there is no excuse for her to c
be called a mother she never wanted us 3 of us
i the oldest
the prototype
a mother who continues to pour salt into old wounds that never get a chance to heal
it is very true
the little girl inside
wanting to be loved by her parents
i have a good therapist again in my life
going on 7 years
my middle sister is going through
what happened in her abuse inflicted upon them
i split at seventeen
been on my own since
have no trust
i understand why
because i cannot forgive
the true meaning of
FREEDOM
thank you
me

there are no blame games
it is a human life
a child before the age of five
and it not be in that child's power to even understand
what's going on until it is way to late
and how one must take responsibility of our
own life
most times it's almost to late
so much self damage has taken over
life isn't fair

Amen
that's all one can do
i chose to divorce at the age of twenty four
with three children
3, 1 and 3 months old
without any substitute fathers
and all her family in Europe
a no good narcissistic mother
had her boyfriend now her ex-husband
living together and was a absent grandparent

i had hoped to do differently
differently i did
and almost lost myself in the process
the circle of life
me

(((Eva))) I hear you.

my dear i know you do

i begin to think when i was in school as a little girl
the two teachers who took me under their wing
Mrs. Garity churning cream in class into butter
i was in such awe may it be then i fell in love with cooking
she knew something wasn't right never asked me anything
this was the late 60's early 70's
and my 7th grade English teacher Mrs.Walsh
and then i was shy with boys
but assertive with all else
awkward
no one to talk too
in the end it was figured out
it's tough doing it yourself
then high school came
i was different
born in South Africa
but SPOKE HUNGARIAN
NOT EASY
not easy
of course i have my paperwork
documents of my USA status
freedom
that too i would gladly
debate

Why am i rambling so
This Country had a responsibility
to find the disgusting perp
including family should be watched
not to jump right i and call the State
it to may make situations more than what
it is

why isn't mental health taken seriously
me