Originally Posted by Mark56

How can one know the depths of the mind
of the bearer of torment?
God can
I saw
my family knew
but surviving as all crumbled around us
to rubble
was so much for them to handle
it was
me and God
God and me
I HAD TO YIELD
anything else was
selfishness on my part.
Might you have known as his mother?
Possibly.
The hands were his though
and he had to be willing to yield
as I had to be willing to yield
[oh God, the tears are streaming down my face right now]
surrendering that within me which would scream
I hold the key to my life
was the means to deliver my spirit unto God
for until that moment
although I had "practiced" faith and love and charity
it was hollow and meaningless without complete surrender
I
had to give it up
my life definitely in the firm grasp of God now
the balm for my soul
which could allow
God's great work of healing
within this shattered being
Selfishness
had to go.
You were not responsible for your son
yes you loved and still love him immeasurably
yet, the surrender of soul had to come
from within him
a choice you could not make for him
just as my beloved wife
could not make the choice for me.
Probably more than anything
necessary to healing for we who remain
is a sense of forgiveness
to those who went before
by their own hand
for in selfishness
they brought temporary pain to conclusion
in a way which deprived others of the blessing
of knowing how survival might shape
the heart
the spirit
freeing LOVE
to be expressed boundlessly.
Oh, that we might all be able to forgive
those who willfully departed
so healing might overwhelm us
the ache of absence will not depart
but the wholeness which comes through forgiveness
will swell hearts to overflowing
so we may move forward.

Now if we can only help
those who are tempted
to examine selfishness
to abandon self pride
to grasp the almighty
who is the means to everlasting joy
we may have the blessing of
aiding still another
who should avoid
the very decision
with which the deceiver
had me wrestling
in that oh so lonely
dark
place
of life.

I choose life
through Christ
who enables me.

Loving all of you,
Mark56

Originally Posted by katmae

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for the words of inceragement, still no word

Originally Posted by Alffe

Mark, you are very much beginning to remind of another man, Pter who taught all of us here so much about fighting the beast of depression and choosing life.
The journey of acceptance was such along one for me, forgiving our Michael for "opting" out without a fight...but how can I ever know how much, or if he fought. And forgiveness...I took it personally and had a lot of anger at him...Pter and all the people who frequented this forum at that time, put up with me, loved me through it, got me talking about it.

It is 23 years this month that he died. Had he lived, he'd be 55 this year.
I try to be available for others who are new to this nightmare...am better at hands on...their screams don't terrify me and I can promise...am living proof that it can be survived.

The lesson I am trying to share here..is do NOT put the people you love through this agony...it will change them forever!

You are a true example of what can happen...perhaps the knowledge of God doesn't happen for everyone or maybe some prefer to just call it love.

Thank you so much for sharing Mark. Please stay with us.

Originally Posted by Mark56

What good news! So beneficial to be able to obtain protective custodial help when there is a present risk of harm to self. I am thrilled for you and for your brother there is now an opportunity for more work to be done.

Now the hard work of praying him through this commences,
Mark56

Originally Posted by katmae

thank you for all your help but Brooks is not my brother he's my oldest son,but you are right now the hard work starts

Originally Posted by Mark56

Sharing Love is that which I am called to do. Gee, my eyes are misting over just reading your writing, your sharing, that pain which hearkens to a time so many years ago.

And I wonder from time to time, as I have suffered SO MUCH neuropathic pain from that blasted car wreck, "do you suppose my niece's husband found comfort in a gun because he just could not take the physical pain any longer???" It has been years, and we all plod along that road called life wondering......"why did he?"

As for me, I am glad God whispered in a controlled shout into my ear "you know, it is getting late, and she is starting to worry about you...." Insert key in the ignition, get the engine running, lights on, weapon sheathed..... go home, resume LIFE surrendered completely to God. Glad.

I will pray with you and for you forever,
mark56