yes i do feel guilty, and angry, and stupid.. couldn't have made it any easier, short of just shooting him myself.. they are a very specific bullet, not for target shooting or hunting or anything, maybe if i had asked who he was planning to shoot? why he had a gun? (parole), if if if if if if.. a thousand questions I will never get an answer to.. a thousand things that lined up and lead to this... if I never bought them, if he never came over, if we weren't in the basement, if i were a better brother, if if if.. so yes, i am angry at myself, both for letting this happen and being in a position where joining him would **** up other people and make me a statistic.. what a deal, huh? couldn't have put myself in a more messed up position if I tried, idk.. so tempting, yet if i do, i will make someone else hurt.. tempting yet selfish, idk.. maybe i will get lucky and wreck or get cancer or something nice... some nice "normal" thing that people will understand.. :Sigh:

Those are all normal feelings my friend..all of them! You are not to blame for his choice...but only time will make you understand that. It's called acceptance and you are a long way from that.

Psychiatrists would tell us that as human beings it's our nature to resist the idea that we cannot control all the events in our lives and we would rather fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it.

And it's usually a solo trip..we each tend to blame primarily ourselves.

I remember so well feeling as you now do....you are only a year or so out from his death..it took me years to accept it and a lot of hard work.

Please keep talking about your brother and try to be kinder to yourself. :hug:

Dnserror :hug:.... read this thread ... I hope it helps to know you are NOT alone.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/sh...205#post767205

..."He's found this forum and is staying connected"....
that still amazes me.. i would have never expected to do this.. not like me at all..

how can i be kinder to myself.. he was my younger brother, i took care of him for most of our lives, as long as i can remember, the only brother i had, and i screwed up.. great huh...

And Michael was my only son, my first born and I loved him dearly. Our last words to each other were "I love you"...and it didn't stop him from putting that gun in his mouth.

Parents are supposed to protect their children...and they are always our children no matter the age. I couldn't prevent him doing this to himself...and you couldn't prevent your brother from doing it either.

It hurts...it's a crushing blow but you were not responsibile for his act just as I was not responsible for Michaels. But I hear you..I do understand my friend...just keep on keeping on....remember to breath,,,deeply.

And...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxuOa...eature=related

Dns I'm so sorry for your loss. Some of us feel guilt just in making daily decisions (I am one of those and trying to work on letting that go), but to lose someone else in this way would make the best of us feel guilty. I know that had your brother told you why he wanted the glaser, you would not have given that to him. But you didn't know! As you said, he was always borrowing things, so why would this seem any different?

My sister didn't die buy suicide. She died from cancer when she was 34 in 1986. But still, even with her death, I felt guilt. Guilt that I hadn't spent enough time with her. Why hadn't I insisted the doctors be more vigilant after she had that mastectomy and her doctor declared her as healthy as the rest of us? Guilt that in that last year there were times I would actually make up excuses to not go and be with her when she asked. Why her and not me? I can only imagine how I would have been had her death been to suicide.

In fact, it took me a lot of my adult life to finally come to terms with those times I lied and said, No, I'm sorry, I can't come and be with you tonight because....(interject excuse here). I was in denial and in a lot of pain because she was so sick and I couldn't deal with that very well at all. I still find that bit of guilt creep in on me and I remind myself that it's okay. I dealt with her dying the best that I could.

I had 2 close friends take their lives and even though they weren't family (but felt like it), I carried tons of guilt. What if I had done...What if I had said...what if what if what if. My daughter lost a good friend to suicide and I watched her deal with guilt...what if what if what if. And my best friend's daughter lost a boyfriend to suicide in high school (also my daughter's best friend). And this girl had just broken up with him only a few days before he shot himself. It broke my heart watching her take total responsibility for his action...even though I knew the young man was pretty messed up, emotionally, in the first place.

As Ms. Alffe said, you couldn't prevent him from taking his own life. He would have one way or another. And you did nothing wrong.

Bless your heart. I'm sure glad you found the good people in this forum. And I know for a fact, they do care about you. Please have no doubt about that.

I know (for me at least) it sometimes feels strange putting your thoughts into print for others to see. But some of my best friends have been made right here in these forums. I can tell you...they are just as wonderful in person as they are in here.

Thank you for being you and being here ((dns)). :hug:

How are you feeling today dns? Gone fishing? :wink: :grouphug:

i don't know how i'm feeling honestly.. and i haven't gone fishing, don't really feel like it..idk..

I am bumping up this thread because so many people were talking about their feelings. Talking heals us! Hugs for the room :grouphug: