Dumps can be amazing places...we saw a family of black bears at a dump in the upper penisula..darling cubs...foolish gawkers, getting out of their cars... but I digress......*grin

'Can you not want to live but not be suicidal? Is this possible or am I just super screwed up?'


dnserror....in short Yes....................

I have mulled through the last twenty years feeling this way......

Sometimes i'm ok...........other times [as near as four days ago] i feel like ripping my hair out and sleeping not to wake.

I am truly saddened by the amount of pain you are suffering physically and mentally..............pain is the main cause of sucidal ideology..........[again pain comes in physical and mental ways]

good health can always be negated by negative thoughts.......and negative thoughts lead to poor health =pain

i often feel if i could live in a bubble on my own i'd be ok.........but thats where i fall down......because as soon as the fog lifts i get back into the thick of life....until it wears me down again..................crash/burn

I stress out so much i feel numb ....and have recently caught up on lots of sleep.......today i dont want to die............but i am frightened to live [if that makes any sense]

i see to many things and situations as either black or white................i have to get back to seeing shades of grey...............

you like fishing i see?...............me too just dont get much oppotunity to do it..............but fishing is just like life..................you cast out..........and hope to trawl in..............and that special bite makes your day.


keep casting my friend and trawl in the answers of life.......some you keep.....some you throw back.

David

Goodmorning. Just read some posts and wanted to say hello. I also loved the two smokers in cartoon, where did you ever find that. Would you share where that particular cartoon comes from? ginnie: all I could do is smile and thats a great way to start the day.

I had to respond to your cartoon. You capture what I feel like at times, a walking talking pin cushion. I have no veins left, so I get to be an experiment in how many lab techs will you get to try this time? I am now facing this again. I go to an EMT today, fun fun fun, ginnie, now where was that other cartoon? Thanks for raising my spirits with all you post. ginnie

Fishing indeed is theraputic. I live on the west coast, and go down to the shore when I can walk good. I take home just what I would eat for that day. I enforce all rules for conservation, and I am glad you do too.
Weeds do grow wild. People are still blessed to live in rural areas, or know people that do. Gardening can be a fun experience. I don't like the feeling of guilt that seems to follow people around when they try to help themselves. I don't know if it was my strict upbringing, or the rules of current cruel laws in place< or perhaps that so much of society is against it, and frown on you when you decide to try. It does confuse me. ginnie

Hello all,
i do alot of fishing i guess.. maybe too much, but it is like where i go to think, work things out, whatever. not unusual to sit there for 10 or 12 hours, whatever, one place i go i am like on first name basis with the game warden guy, his wife sometimes makes cookies and he shares them. when a warden is like "hey, what's up, knew you were here, saw your truck", you start to wonder if you are crossing into obsession land or something. usually people leave you alone other than the "catch anything" question as they walk by.. sometimes it's nice to be alone. have been trying to fish more these days, think i need to.

nice to meet you david, i can actually understand how you feel. black and white.. sure... no in between, no maybe, it is just this or that, yes or no, not maybe. frightened to live, i can accept that too. sometimes i am frightened of myself. still think much of this is my fault, someday i may go deeper into it and you will all see. anyway, don't be too saddened by me, i worry about you, sounds like you are having a rough time there. try to find some time to fish if you can, helps me, maybe it will help you.

ginnie, i know about the 'frown', get it at the drug store every month. hand them the script and they look at you funny. maybe i don't look like a junkie or something, so i do not match what they are expecting? my upbringing wasn't very strict, so people helping themselves does not bother me at all. if it helps them, i think they are lucky...

sorry to be babbleing here.. kind of weird today...

..."- invariably feels that they might have, could have, or should have done something to prevent the suicide."....

like it or not, I probably could have.. instead of "ok", i could have said "no", or asked why, or something... he was always "borrowing" stuff, stupid stuff, screws, lightbulbs, motor oil, fishhooks, beer, smokes, guitar strings, all kinds of dumb things, can't even think of them all, so when he "borrowed" the pack of glasers, it never occured to me to ask why.. i think they cost like $10 or so, no big deal.. no problem right.. but it was a problem.. a big screw up on my part for sure.. real big.. a year later and i am still so ****** at myself.. every time I see them at the store, i debate picking up a pack for myself, then i realise i am trapped, and i get more ****** and upset..

a pack of glasers? What is that...I googled it and still don't know.

A hard fact to accept is that the only person who truly bears responsibility for a suicide is the victim. I'm sorry you are in so much pain dnserror...talking about your feelings is a start.

sorry.. glaser safety slugs.. a type of bullet. i gave him the bullets he used to kill himself.. never thought to ask.. stupid me.. my own brother, and I helped him kill himself.. stupid stupid. never thought to ask.. stupid. stupid stupid stupid.

I understand that providing him with the bullets would add to the guilt you feel but trust me when I say..he would have found a way to end his life even without those bullets.

"Guilt is what we feel when we focus our anger where it doesn't belong -on ourselves"