not sure if it is depression... more like stuck in a bad place... hard to explain... in a nutshell I am a "survivor of suicide" x2 and yet I have a family, would not be fair to hurt them like mine hurt me...

I'm glad your suicide attempts failed dnserror (wish we had a name for you instead of dnserror) and I'm sorry you are stuck in such a bad place...I'm just not sure you want to try to change it.

Lonely1 surely can identify with you as he also seems to be "treading water"....both of you, please...as Nikki used to say...keep swimming!

The x2 was not mine.. was my family (although I have come close without really trying, no fear as they say), which is why the other thread hit a nerve there... There is a bit more to the story than this, and I'm not sure I can change...keep feeling stuck, caused by myself I know, not easy to change..

I call that suicidal ideation. Not having a plan, but just not wanting to live. Been there many times. I've said it to my doctor and therapist before and they call it that. Maybe you have a combination of PTSD, from whatever it is you experienced in your family before, leading to depression.

Post trauma can do so many things to a soul and body.

suicidal thoughts

And DO check out the link in Ms. Alffe's signature line. ♥

smart stuff Doody! Many times, more than I care to recall, I have wished I were dead. Michael took that choice away from me by killing himself. I'd never put the people I love through that again. ~sigh~

I know you have ((Ms. Alffe)).

But yea, I thought that was a pretty good link. Read it all the way through myself.

I wonder if our friend dns can see any of himself in that link.

And you have no idea how many times I have gone back to read the link in your signature line.

Suicide has so many layers for those who are left behind...we have the anger (mine was raging at God) but I was VERY angry at Michael for making that choice, and the guilt..mothers aren't supposed to bury their children...we are supposed to protect them, and I shopped around for someone to blame (his financee..his ex...God again) It took years to sort it all out and arrive at acceptance.

When I reread this post I am reminded of someone at the meeting last Tues. night who had such an emotional reaction to my using the word "choice"..I said to me it was the ultimate F you...that he would choose death over life. She sobbed, "some people who suicide feel like they have no choice. And she is right..I'll be more careful next time, more specific..that I was talking about Michael choosing.

This is the is the problem... it is the ultimate hurt (I think you know this), hurt me real bad... so how could I do this to someone else? Yet I was the only ******* in the family that got married... so now I'm stuck in the middle..
Maybe I am depressed, or maybe i'm angry...but I'm tired of hurting these days.. physically hurting(didn't see too much on that in the article), from a stupid nerve issue, that (amusingly) is not fatal. go figure...

ds..how long has it been since their deaths? Do you have any support besides your Indian friend? Have you ever tried a support group? They known what you are feeling because they are or have been there. All the things you are feeling...well, I don't know about physically hurting..are normal. The pain is crushing. (((ds)))