I can't think of a "topic" or a place/time for referral for creating a thread title that makes any sense but need to start somewhere. For me, this is my only safe-place to talk about it all.

John died. He wanted me to die, but I survived, first back in late 2000? He told me that his wife had committed suicide but shared very few details with me. He left the "story" for me to find and read---but why? Did he push her over the edge like he tried, in such sick ways, to do with me? Her story is not unfamiliar to me--strangely similar to my own life.

For months, I was on night-alert and then tried to be the caregiver for overnight shift. At the end, I was staying awake for 2-3 days at a time. Now my normal is being awake for 36-48 hours and then sleeping for 12-14 hrs. Nothing makes sense. His sisters were here for the last week, and everyone called, came by---too many people in such a short time. Now, it'is silent, and I'm alone.

The past month has been like being awake in an awful nightmare, and I can't stop questioning/blaming myself. I feel sick with grief. I am SO angry, and bitter, and heart-sick when I think . . .

Can't get thoughts organized. Does anyone remember what I'm talking about? Praying that I won't hate myself for posting this -

omg I'm so sorry, reyn.

I have had absolutely no idea what you've been going through.

I have promised you mail for so long and never got myself organized to write it and post it. I will!

I'm so sorry for you Reyn...

He was sick for so long... at least now he's at peace and pain free. It's not your fault and you don't have to feel guilty. You took care of him, tried to help him, but there's only so much we can do...

Now you need to focus on you. Organize your confused thoughts, re-establish your sleeping patterns, get your own life together and take care of you.

Sending prayers

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Reyne. I know it's probably hard to think about a future but you do need to take care of you.

It will take time to heal but if you remember nothing else, remember this: you are not alone. Others have made the journey before that you are making now, and they got there. Lean on your friends, lean on us. We will all support you in any way we can.

Thinking of you and praying for you.

Thanks for opening your hearts to me. There's so much I need to talk about but know alot of it is "same-old . . .." I'm going to bed, try to sleep for awhile, hopefully not 14 hrs this time. Just knowing that I have this special family here who will listen and give me a lifeline has quieted those awful voices in my head. Has it really been over 10 years since PTer taught the lifesaving lesson of how to "sit on the hands"? I remember slipping the news of my marriage into some unrelated thread, but nothing slipped by him. I knew he was right to caution me and was speaking from his heart, but I didn't listen and hear what he was actually telling me. Now I finally understand, and I'm thinking it might be too late.

Thanks for listening -

I read a post on the News Forum earlier about "Resilience".
I'll post it at the end. I just wanted to say to you reyn, that I think we all tend to sit on our hands from time to time and sometimes for too long. I've done it. I think it's a really good idea to sit on our hands with some things, but it can be extremely isolating. Friends just don't know what's going on... what we're really dealing with in our lives. The internet is a very public place and of course, that doesn't help sometimes for those who are really private people.

I remember so much of what you were going through many years ago. I had absolutely no idea about much of what you've posted here today. I'm so sorry about that. I feel, just due to my own coming and going and life and all that, that I've let you down. I didn't "hear" you. Maybe you didn't yell loudly enough.

Here's the article about Resilience. I thought it very interesting reading.
You are resilient, reyn. However, I do wonder if you've had enough external support over the years.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...more-resilient

(((reyn))) I've missed you and prayed for you. I'm sorry/glad John died. He seemed to arrive so suddenly in your life...I remember how surprised Peter was when you announced that you were going to marry him and how we hoped he would be a blessing in your life instead of a nightmare.

I hurry to remind you about Holding Onto Hope...Nancy Guthries good book and hope that you will reread it. Please do not let that sense of helplessness take over again...you did all you could to help John and he did not deserve you.

I agree with Lonely1..it's time to get your life back and take care of you. I also pray that your physical health is in good order.

Great link Lara...I really liked it..."What is resilience? It is a scientifically-based concept of effective coping as a means of alleviating chronic stress. When related to psychiatric conditions such as anxiety disorders and depression, we are increasingly able to use our understanding of resilience to improve long-term outcome. But resilience also includes principles that are applicable to everyone--not only those who suffer from psychiatric disorders."

I am trying to get my affairs in order...getting rid of many things while I am still able to make these decisions. I made a scrapbook of many things I've kept over the years from sos friends...cards, pictures, letters,..not sure who to send it to..don't want to upset anyone.

Please keep posting reyn...don't disappear again from our lives. I love you.

(((((Reyn)))) - wow, what a smart bunch of friends you have gathered here... and I know there are more...

As I read this thread I kept saying - yes! Yes to the fact that YOU are here again - and yes to the fact that you are receiving some very meaningful support!

I know everything will be overwhelming for you... and will likely make you feel too much too fast... can't do it... will do it... maybe do it... CAN do it!....

Time and baby steps are my best advice... and you're gonna fall down a lot ... but this phase of your life is OVER...

and now... you move forward to a an unknown place... re-inventing and inventing...

all very draining and I pray you have the energy to reach out and hold onto all that is offered to you!

Please, please don't beat yourself up....

you've come a LONG way, baby!!!

Hi Reyn

I'm sorry I'm too new to know what you are talking about. All the same, sounds like you could use a hug?


Free Kittens

Lara, I am the one who left, shut down, didn't really ask for help--felt shame, but that's one of the ways he manipulated me, I think? Will go and read article about resilience--thanks (Lara)

Free Kittens, yes! I am so in need of a hug. I'll write more about the past 10 years with him but am trying to be careful so that my anger doesn't consume me or turn into real hatred because then I'll be like him.

Addy, you still lift me up. Thanks for not letting go . . .

Alffe, it seems--to me--like a lifetime . . .. Was there only one "realtime," a Christmas Day? You aren't done with me yet!

I'm so thankful for all of you.
I love you,
from my *heart,
reyn

ps: will be back soon -- computer problems, really. . .lol! Hugs to all :-)