This seems to be a place where people tell their stories. From reading through some of these messages, it seems like this forum is more of a community rather than a random assortment of anonymous users. I have a hard time actually detailing my story to people I know, so maybe this will help me.


Me: I am a 23-year old male college student. Last week I had my first and second suicide attempts.

I've been depressed for a long time. I had a happy childhood, but after a while it felt like my sister was verbally abusing me to no end and, even though I never had a troubled relationship with the rest of my family, it felt like I stopped fitting in with them. Things are fine now, but growing up it definitely felt like they were all with each other and I was off on the side.

The first time I thought about suicide must have been when I was in 4th grade. It was after a completely irrelevant and pointless argument with my sister. I hid under a blanket and wished it was made of plastic so I could run out of oxygen and die.

I am 23 now. I was depressed through many of my teen years and most of my 20s so far. I was reluctant to get help because then I would have to tell people about it - and I was reluctant to tell anyone about it because I felt so ashamed about it. It still doesn't feel right talking about it, especially when I have had a pretty good chance at life. I feel like I can never connect with people, though. I will find a true friend only once every year or two but, inevitably, they leave me and decide they are better without me. It has happened so many times and it is different each time but it always happens.

Finally, earlier this month, I became so tired of always being so unhappy and so alone that I gave up. I had been trying for years but after so long I was just too tired and I gave up. I bought a gun. A few days later, I loaded it and pointed it at my heart. It took a little while, but I pulled the trigger. The gun clicked but nothing came out of it. I bought a used gun so maybe I bought a broken one - I don't know - but for some reason nothing came out of this gun. I fell asleep that night and woke up in the morning and tried it again, but again nothing came out of it, so I hurried off to class (late) and went through my day like any other. I came home again that night and was about to try it a third time but then I decided to call a friend and ask him to take me to the hospital. It was nighttime and I'm not too familiar with hospitals but most of it was closed, so we decided that I would stay with him that night and go to the doctor in the morning.

Many people say they have a new perspective on or appreciation for life when they survive an attempt. That is obviously not my case if I tried it again the next day and was close to trying it a third time. I just don't know why I am still here. By what reason or logic am I alive?

Here's my metaphor: Imagine you are in a house that is so dark that you can't even see the other side of the room. Everything is so incredibly dark and all you want is to get out of it. You are searching and searching for a way out for so long. Finally you find a door (suicide) - the only way out that you can actually find. You know it is a bad thing to do but you are just so tired that eventually you give up and you open that door (attempt suicide), only to find a brick wall behind that door. Now what? Now you are stuck there, in that lonely, dark place, with no way out.

After my attempt(s), I started going to a therapist but I don't like him. I've seen him twice and am probably going to switch to another one. I don't need somebody telling me my thoughts and behaviors are "crazy" and that if I want to something to get done then I should get it done. I can figure that much out on my own. Besides, it is mostly him talking and telling me his opinions and analysis after I answer a question he asks but he doesn't give me the chance to tell the whole story. Not very helpful at all. Very invalidating to myself and my experiences. He keeps telling me that I am fixating on the bad things and that things will get better (which is true), but I don't feel comfortable to tell him that when things get better, they're only going to get worse again just like they always do. I am so tired of that. If I told him that, he would just tell me I'm being "crazy" again.

My student health center (separate from counseling) also put me on Fluoxetine (Prozac). I quickly had many side effects (flu-like symptoms, dry mouth, headaches, complete loss of energy and motivation, loss of appetite, loss of libido), so they took me off and soon I am going to try Citalopram (Celexa). We'll see how the new therapist and medication go.

I don't want to die but I just don't want THIS anymore. My best friend - the closest friend I've ever had - has since told me to not talk to her anymore. (She didn't know about the suicide attempt.) I still want to kill myself but I'm not going to for now. I just want to figure out why I am alive. Why did I survive such a fatal attempt with literally no physical repercussions? I do believe in God and if anyone else told me they survived that I would say it sounded like a miracle, but it doesn't feel like a miracle to me. It feels like a sentence: I must continue to suffer on this earth. And as soon as things do get better, they will surely also get worse.

-- F1D0

Welcome... and I apologize that I'm not about to write too much as I'm heading to bed.

Just two things I want to say right now:
1. throw out the gun!!
2. trust in the celexa!

You have found a very special forum - some of us have known each other since the early 90's...

Stick around, pull up a chair... and start fighting the fight for your life!
It really is worth living.
Addy

Good morning F1DO...I trust you are still among the living today. Addy is right...you've come to the right "family". In so many ways you remind me of another member here...Lonely1.

I am a survivor of our only son's suicide. He also put a gun in his mouth and it worked for him....his actions changed our lives forever. You cannot, must not, destroy your parents and siblings lives by taking your own.

I understand that you want your pain to end and I admire your honesty in sharing your feelings here but trust me when I say that the guilt and pain your family would have to live with is horrendous.

I recommend a good book...Suicide.The Forever Decision. It's a paperback and the author "gets it". Please continue to look for a therapist that isn't an idiot. And please continue to talk to us.

Oh that dark house you described....we call it the black hole but have learned that it does have sides...and on the other sides are people reaching out to help you.

http://www.suicidefindinghope.com/content/videos

These are excellent videos F1DO....watch the last one especially and think about your sister.

You are telling my story! I attempted to overdose in 2009. My mother found me two days later, not breathing, no pulse, and my body temperature was down to 60 degrees. When the EMTs shocked my heart, it didn't work. I didn't come around until after an hour of CPR. The doctors all said that there was no medical explanation for my survival - only spiritual.

I have told no one to this point (mainly because I was embarrassed that I was not successful), but I tried again in 2010. This seems inconceivable to me now because I am now on the proper medication (Pristiq) and have received the correct diagnosis of depression. In addition, I met a wonderful man who recently proposed.

What I'm saying is that I totally get where you are. Please let me know if you want to talk more. All I've wanted in life was for someone to understand me and to make me feel that I matter. YOU matter and I understand!

I think it was divine intervention that you did not succeed - you were meant to be here on Earth!!

Hello, and you found a site that has compassion and people who will care what happens to you. I have been at those low points in life too. keep coming back here and there will be responce to you. There is reason why you are still here. Your life means something. Depression has also hit my son, who is 36 years old now. He never experienced it before, and it can be devestating to go through it. Please keep taking the medication. Sometimes it takes awhile to help, and sometimes there are side effects that go with it. I found that after months on the med. the symptoms that were bothering me went away. Please do not give up, you found friends here that will not abandon you. You are welcome to private message me anytime you want. I am friends with several people here, who suffer depression, and they have brought me to a point where life can be good again. I have found support and caring people, who do a lot to inspire me to keep trucking along. You will find the same support that I did. tap back any time you need to. ginnie

Hello F1D0,

Your story reminds me of my own first post here on NeuroTalk. It involved being left behind by my best friend, all the despair and misery and just being too tired to fight anymore, and I've put a gun to my own head more then a few times. But the people in this forum listened to me and supported me, and never abandoned me no matter how many times I complained about the same things; and they'll do the same for you. You'd be surprised how many different people here know exactly how you feel, if you come here you'll never be alone.

I'm also like you in the way I don't open up to people easily, but I could talk about my feelings openly here because these people will probobly never meet me, most don't even know my real name, it's just a big safe place to vent that's as anonymous as you want it to be.

You're doing the right thing in seeking treatment, though I think you should find a new therapist. Personally, it's much easier for me to talk to women, (I'm male by the way) maybe we're similar in this aspect too? I know there are at least a few people here who prefer their their therapists to be the opposite gender as them.

Keep talking to us too; if there's one thing we can do it's make you feel like someone understands what you're going through.

I want to thank you all for your responses so far. It is so refreshing to find people who will continue to accept me when my mood or behavior changes. I appreciate your invitations for PMs and will follow up on that soon.

I called my school's counseling center today... they said that in order to switch therapists I have to talk to the Director. Kind of bureaucratic, but oh well - hopefully they let me switch.

I start my new meds tomorrow. I talked to my doctor today and apparently having those couple of glasses of wine while on my last medication may have contributed to the side effects. Maybe, maybe not. I was on some pain meds last year after I was in a car crash and I had serious drowsiness issues on that medication. I couldn't even stay awake in a car ride or a dimly-lit room. Perhaps I am just highly susceptible to side effects. Hopefully not.

It is really something that I can tell you guys more than I can tell my friends from school and work. Such an interesting world we live in.

I'm aware of how painful and tragic a suicide can be to the family. Earlier, I had wanted to "fall" off a high waterfall or cliff. I am adventurous and love the outdoors - and people know that about me - so suicide would not have been suspected. The problem was I don't have the right geography near me, nor do I have a car to drive elsewhere. I couldn't think of anything else that would look like a true accident.

@thelonely1 We do seem to have a lot in common. I think everything you described about yourself describes me as well.

Again, I appreciate all of your comments. For now, I am going to post a poem I wrote while I was having troubles with my ex-best friend. (This will mark the first time I've shared a poem as well.) Hopefully it means something to you and is something some of you can relate to.



Endlessly...
07/18/2011


Regrets, I have many
And I could name a few.
But the love of your heart
Kept me warm and secure.

Comfortable to talk and share
With no secrets, shame, or fear.
We cared dearly - as much as we could talk -
Endlessly...

Without hesitation
I saw the thread of your heart
And followed it ever-closer.
Without hesitation
You pulled on the thread of my own.
Oh! How close-knit we were!

This love remains forever
In this forlorn heart of mine
And it will grow forevermore
For within me, you are entwined.

Mistakes, I have made.
The longing and the despair!
Torn by my ill thoughts
The ones I could not bear.

How far away are you?
Through the distance I can feel
You're still warm without my being there.
Now you are far away.
You need me no longer.
Oh! But this love will not subside!

"It is really something that I can tell you guys more than I can tell my friends from school and work. Such an interesting world we live in." Unquote

Boy F1DO...that really resounded with me. I couldn't/wouldn'ttalk about our Michael killing himself until 8 yrs after his death...I talked about it to a handful of complete strangers on the old forum BrainTalk. Those people literally picked me up off the floor and gave me back my life.

You're right, it is an interesting world we live in.

And your poem is wonderful!