After posting at Braintalk for 7 years, I've been banned because of my worry over my suicidal friend. I've been banned because I'm suicidal myself. I'm not sure what happened yet to my friend.

My Everyone thread was deleted, and you all know how it makes me feel. It's hard to pour out your heart, only to have it stepped on. I tried to post a good-bye thread at Braintalk, but that was also deleted (along with ALL of my posts) and I was accused of trying to cause trouble. Guess they're telling me to go ahead and die already.

My good-bye thread was not meant to be sarcastic or mean. It was meant as a thank you to John Lester and everyone I've known over the years. We've been through a lot - had some good times. I figured if I really did have any friends there, it would give them a chance to say what they wanted to say before we go our separate ways.

I didn't want people there to speculate on whether I died or if I committed suicide. I didn't want people to speculate that I left because I was angry at them. I'm only miffed at Moderator 6 and David for interfering with my farewell to my friends.

I quit my amyloidosis support group because I'm tired of reliving my trauma day after day in order to make them feel good. I'm tired of talking about death while they celebrate with parties, laughter and fundraisers.

In response, a couple of friends became worried. I was too tired to explain, so I told them to figure out what happened at braintalk. Instead, they want me to attend a meeting and talk about death again.

When they stated calling me non-stop, I tried to explain I've been up for over 4 days now, and I'm busy gagging and vomiting at the moment. Kind of hard for me to explain to them what happened at braintalk.

When I wouldn't return their calls, the police call me.

I was forced to explain over the phone what was going on, but I was short of breath due to exhaustion.

I was forced to sit by the door and wait for a patrol car to show up. I had to hold the vomit down because I didn't want them breaking in my door.

I'm still a vain person and never liked to go out without makeup, my hair fixed, and clothes pressed.

I was forced to explain to the officers what is going on while laying in a puddle wearing only a dirty robe and mangy hair.

They wanted to know all about amyloidosis and how it is treated.

They wanted to know all about my husband and insisted on calling him.

I tried to explain he's walking a fine line at work - if the police call, he'll be fired because he already takes so much time off to check on me.

I tried to explain about my husband's heart condition - that it could give him a heart attack to hear from the police about me.

My husband called my neighbor, so I had to crawl outside in the rain and scream to her to explain what is going on.

After the police left, she barged into my home after I'd removed my dirty robe and was naked. She decided I needed to go to the emergency room. I had to remind her about mom and what she went through. Mom died at that hospital - tied to restraints and surrounded by strangers trying to fix her, when all she wanted to do was die in peace at home.

She called my sister, who is now so worried she started screaming at me then hung up the phone. I know she'll stop what she's doing in Texas to fly here and force feed me food and drugs to keep her from worrying about me.

If you hadn't deemed my pain too political, this could all have been avoided.

May I PLEASE ask a favor? Don't delete this thread. I won't post anymore or get involved in your business. I'd just like to see if anyone would like to say something to me directly.

If this thread is deleted, it will only tell me that no one here ever cared about me or my pain. I promise I won't be back - only to see if anything has been said to me in this thread.

You can say whatever you want to me - I won't respond.

I also won't be reading or responding to emails, so please don't delete or lock this thread.

It's really been a rough day. I've stopped gagging for now, and I'd just like to take a nap. Okay?

I really do wish you all well.

Thank you.