After posting at Braintalk for 7 years, I've been banned because of my worry over my suicidal friend. I've been banned because I'm suicidal myself. I'm not sure what happened yet to my friend.

My Everyone thread was deleted, and you all know how it makes me feel. It's hard to pour out your heart, only to have it stepped on. I tried to post a good-bye thread at Braintalk, but that was also deleted (along with ALL of my posts) and I was accused of trying to cause trouble. Guess they're telling me to go ahead and die already.

My good-bye thread was not meant to be sarcastic or mean. It was meant as a thank you to John Lester and everyone I've known over the years. We've been through a lot - had some good times. I figured if I really did have any friends there, it would give them a chance to say what they wanted to say before we go our separate ways.

I didn't want people there to speculate on whether I died or if I committed suicide. I didn't want people to speculate that I left because I was angry at them. I'm only miffed at Moderator 6 and David for interfering with my farewell to my friends.

I quit my amyloidosis support group because I'm tired of reliving my trauma day after day in order to make them feel good. I'm tired of talking about death while they celebrate with parties, laughter and fundraisers.

In response, a couple of friends became worried. I was too tired to explain, so I told them to figure out what happened at braintalk. Instead, they want me to attend a meeting and talk about death again.

When they stated calling me non-stop, I tried to explain I've been up for over 4 days now, and I'm busy gagging and vomiting at the moment. Kind of hard for me to explain to them what happened at braintalk.

When I wouldn't return their calls, the police call me.

I was forced to explain over the phone what was going on, but I was short of breath due to exhaustion.

I was forced to sit by the door and wait for a patrol car to show up. I had to hold the vomit down because I didn't want them breaking in my door.

I'm still a vain person and never liked to go out without makeup, my hair fixed, and clothes pressed.

I was forced to explain to the officers what is going on while laying in a puddle wearing only a dirty robe and mangy hair.

They wanted to know all about amyloidosis and how it is treated.

They wanted to know all about my husband and insisted on calling him.

I tried to explain he's walking a fine line at work - if the police call, he'll be fired because he already takes so much time off to check on me.

I tried to explain about my husband's heart condition - that it could give him a heart attack to hear from the police about me.

My husband called my neighbor, so I had to crawl outside in the rain and scream to her to explain what is going on.

After the police left, she barged into my home after I'd removed my dirty robe and was naked. She decided I needed to go to the emergency room. I had to remind her about mom and what she went through. Mom died at that hospital - tied to restraints and surrounded by strangers trying to fix her, when all she wanted to do was die in peace at home.

She called my sister, who is now so worried she started screaming at me then hung up the phone. I know she'll stop what she's doing in Texas to fly here and force feed me food and drugs to keep her from worrying about me.

If you hadn't deemed my pain too political, this could all have been avoided.

May I PLEASE ask a favor? Don't delete this thread. I won't post anymore or get involved in your business. I'd just like to see if anyone would like to say something to me directly.

If this thread is deleted, it will only tell me that no one here ever cared about me or my pain. I promise I won't be back - only to see if anything has been said to me in this thread.

You can say whatever you want to me - I won't respond.

I also won't be reading or responding to emails, so please don't delete or lock this thread.

It's really been a rough day. I've stopped gagging for now, and I'd just like to take a nap. Okay?

I really do wish you all well.

Thank you.

I only have one thing to say to you....and it's the same old thing I've always said to you. I love you and it breaks my heart to see you in this much pain.
But, my heart has been broken before and I'm sure it will be again.

Wishing you the best and a great deal of improvement in all places.

Dear sweet (((Kathy))).

Braintalk doesn't even register with my brain any more. It's long gone to me. I'm not surprised even one little bit at your banning, but then so many of us here have been there and done that as you well know!!! Welcome to the ranks of the BT Banned. It's a ban-happy board over there. It's scary to even talk about it anywhere for fear of causing trouble.

Anyway, I'm SO sorry for your pain and what you've been through. I have a friend or 2 here where I live staring death in the face, and it's frightening and I worry about them so much as well. We want you to hang in there and know that you are very loved.

Sometime this spring/summer I plan to invade Alffe's house, if they'll allow me to. Heh. And I hope that by then you'll feel up to a short visit from me as we tried to do last time. I'd like to give you a big tender hug and get one back. And I don't give a rat's ***** how you look. You could greet me in a dirty robe with a nekkid little body underneath topped off with a raggedy mangle of hair and I wouldn't care, not one little bit.

I'm so glad to see you posting for whatever reason because I miss you when you don't. You do what ever you need to do to baby yourself.

Much love from me and a hug.

Hi KathyM

I too am sorry for what you're going through I am also posting to assure you (and whoever else reads this thread) that you ARE NOT BANNED from BrainTalk. You're not even in any "trouble" from what I can see.

There were a few posts deleted in the "everyone" thread but nothing else was done (ie no bannings).

Long time no see Zombie.

Glad to hear that Kathy was NOT BANNED and that it was 'only' a deletion of people's posts.

I hope she comes back to see this.

Hi Doody

Yea I come by and check pms and read the comp n tech forum (this post was brought to my attention). I don't post here often so folks won't think I'm spying on them or using their posts here against them over at BT.

well...silly people if they think that. lol...anyone can read the posts here. you don't have to be logged on.

we miss you zs. thank you for clearing that up.

ps...someday i'll figure out how to get all that funky stuff off my computer.

you are aware that Keifer was banned right?

kathy i dont think they will delete any threads here and i hope you feel better and post back

please dont commit suicide