I’m 28 years old and for the last 53 months I haven’t had one suicidal thought or intention because one thing changed my whole perception of life in ways I never thought possible.

Around seven years ago I started having mania with depression systems so I decided to move 1,000 miles away in hope of a better life. The move helped for a while due to the new adventure, but a while later the bipolar escalated beyond what I thought it could ever reach and options were bleak at the time.

I hated myself (hidden learning disabilities, also thought I had to fit into the extrovert world) already and I felt like I was somewhat cheated, so it was like pouring gasoline on fire when other people would say harsh judgments to me, whether they were true or false.

I felt lost, trapped, hopeless, helpless, felt like a burden, felt worthless, and to sum up my manic systems - they were unbearably frightening especially at night because I felt like I could run 100 miles an hour (this was not a good feeling) but at the same time I wanted to knock myself out cold because I knew I was doomed.

The whole year I contemplated suicide (I’ll spare the graphic details), and had to be admitted to a hospital for a week and then another time for two weeks. I remember when I left the last hospital I had a couple of good days (nothing like now though), but would go back to feeling just as suicidal as before. I know this will not make anyone who lost a loved one to suicide feel better, but this is how sick my mental state got. I tried to go through the actions of offing myself, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to go through with it - not because I was scared of dying, I was scared of not doing it right and ending up paralyzed.

Four years ago, on this very month, my hope (a music genre that I heard for the first time ever) came out of nowhere. The music (I listen on average 45 minutes a day) vs. a talk therapist (I know this helps a lot of people though) is: the talk therapist made me feel safe (because every time I thought I would be cured when I left) for the hour, but when I left the session I would feel just as miserable as ever. Whereas the new music genre makes me feel good when listening to it, but most importantly I feel safe (words cannot describe this for me) and at ease when I’m not listening to it.

My first two years out of my bad mental state was an incredible feeling. A lot of the times I would have a blank look on my face with the biggest inside smile and broke down every so often. This was because the hope was new to me, as well a shock, and then combining it with thinking that I should be dead just manifested these emotions- I think this was mainly because I was drained from having suicide thoughts every second of the day and never thought I would have so much joy for life and be at ease. I took advantage to just be one with nature and enjoyed doing different things that I never got the chance to fully enjoy. One example would be in my miserable mental state I never enjoyed sunsets and sunrises. Instead, I would look off a five-story building trying to make myself jump off. Right after the hope came, I started to recognize with mindfulness on how peaceful sunsets and sunrises are as well other unique scenery.

Some of the other things after the hope came: I no longer felt lonely, I loved waking up every morning, the best part was, and still is, having no suicide Intentions or thoughts ( I never thought they would go away), harsh judgments bounce off better (90% of the time), I appreciate what I have, I no longer chase goals, dreams, and enjoy living in the present by living the life of journey vs. destination ( this goes for everything in life) and not to be embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and frustrated in myself for not accomplishing certain things. Some of my prior goals could have been a disaster after I got out of my bad mental state. My beliefs and what I wanted were altered kind of like I was reborn. I also never thought that I would enjoy learning about science, sociology, history, politics, religions, cultures, art, and etc. I finally enjoy and understand independent movies (Into the Wild is one of them) that have life lessons and make you think of life in someone else’s shoes with different scenarios.

The last two years I’ve incorporated some goals in my life, so if and when I fail at something it’s not as big of a deal, because my hope makes me feel that failure (as long as I enjoy the task and try my hardest) is ok and that life, a joyful mental state and freedom is much bigger than success in other areas.

Some of the things that I’ve learned, became more vigilant with, and developed some moxie:
• I’ve been able to make a bad day or a bad situation work almost every time – I don’t like stress but stress is a million times better than being manic. Simply put, stress is nothing compared to being manic, so I generally thrive on stressful situations now because there is nothing to be scared of.
• In the four years out of it, I’ve had one minor mania episode (not fun) last year and got rid of it fast (an experiment that was legal) due to no depression systems.
• I can stand up for myself when called for, concur most of my fears, and I don’t feel as bad when I miss out on things. This is due to the fact that I remember I shouldn’t even be alive. can be outside along with other things for hours on mindfulness - this is mainly because I went from such a scary state of mind to just being in the moment enjoying the smallest things, and it also reminds the new me that I’m not here to impress anyone and cannot be coerced into doing things that I know are potential triggers or I just don’t want to do.
• Going to the ocean (one time only) I had inner peace in the first time in my adult life and thought how can anyone be judgmental, and materialistic when people are getting killed because they think their opinions and beliefs are right?
• I will have no regrets on how I live the rest of my life because I should have been dead in my mid 20s.

I know the last one might sound self-absorbed to some people, but without the hope I know that I would be dead; especially now that I know of effective ways to commit suicide.

The biggest things that I’m most thankful for: Getting to know my family even better, not being so naïve (occasionally still having problems with this), forming two great friendships over the last year, having a better perception on who I am, and lastly enjoying the smallest things in life.

Last year I got a little off track because I thought I was missing out on some things, but when I experienced them I remembered that what the mainstream media perceives as the good life is not so glamorous as they perceive it to be, especially if your mental state is messed up. One example is some people think the only way to be happy is to have money and a good job. Tell that to Owen Wilson (this is the last person I thought would ever be suicidal), and many other millionaires that have attempted or succeeded at suicide. Two years out of my bad mental state, I had a 35% pay decrease and it didn’t even faze me; quite laughable when comparing how I felt the two years before that. A way of putting it is, whether you have a dollar or a million dollars in your bank account, neither of them won’t matter because you can’t enjoy any amount when your mental state is bad.

I don’t regret any of my years living and I enjoyed most of my adolescent years, but sometimes I’m quite angered looking back. Some of the reasons are: I was very naive all those years, past friends are hard to be around now because my old self (both on how I acted and mentally) creeps its ugly head in some times, and the other is I know that the new me would’ve been great friends with my grandpa that passed away 3 and a half years ago.
I’m far from being perfect and I will always have flaws. With that being said, my biggest mental flaw is sometimes my sensitivity (once again not as bad) gets the best of me and then I become a pushover or if I stand up for myself then I feel guilty about it later.

Some of the things above have fluctuated a bit in the last year, but not to the severity of before the hope came, so when they do; it’s only for an hour or two. For this reason I made a “small things kick the bucket” list. For now I have 6 things on my “big things kick the bucket” list. I don’t need them now and truthfully I don’t need them ever, but if I ever were to revert back to my old self and stayed like my old self for a long time and then proceeded to exhausted everything else from the “small things kick the bucket” list, then I have the “big kick the bucket” list I can do that will make a drastic change in my everyday living. I feel very lucky to be living with a good mental state and it all started because of music which technically is air, so will this be enough when I’m 10,20,30,40 years older? Especially when loved ones and friends pass away, etc.? I came to a notion that all I can do is keep on enjoying the present for as long as I can and to keep on evolving as a human.

When I was in my bad mental state, I never thought that suicide would hurt anyone and certainly was not going to do it out of revenge. I have a great loving family, I was not a zombie, I never took psych med’s before having my first episode, and it was not a chemical imbalance. My family members helped me a great deal, but it did not matter at the time because I couldn’t handle myself and saw nothing in the future that was going to make me feel good on a consistent daily basis. I’m not here to promote, so I will not say what genre I used to listen to and currently listen to. The message of my article is that one thing can have a dramatic change in one’s life for the better.

Unfortunately, most of the time people don’t stick around to see if any good will come out of the sky, but I do understand why people do it. So give the person you care about a break if they’re suicidal. Be understanding, especially if they see no hope in the future, and don’t be afraid to call 911 if necessary. They will thank you later when they find their way to a better mental state.

Wow! what a great message! You called your post an "article"..not sure if you have shared it elsewhere but you really should because it's filled with hope...that elusive thing for so many.

You fought the beast of depression and continue daily to fight it and win.

Two requests I'm going to make...that you share it on the BiPolar forum....here is the link...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum38.html

And I'm hoping a moderator will separate your post into paragraphs which will make it much easier to read.

Thank you...thank you!! Great to meet you...stick around.

great post Burton975................but PROMOTE AWAY..........

anything that helps is good............. im intrigued...by your musical preference.......i love music...............but mine tends to be melancholic...................anything that lifts the soul is good...and should be shared...

good luck..............in your quest for good health.......... and i agree your thread/post should be out there for as many people as possible to read.................

David

Your article can give HOPE to so many people who are where you've been. Thank you so much.

Thanks Alffe for the kind words. Thanks for recommending to put it on the Bi-Polar forum. The only other place I submitted to was Psych Central. Ya I copy pasted it from word and I didn't know that my paragraphs got stuck together. Thanks to Mod. Koala77 who took care of it.

Thank you so much for sharing with us! You are wise beyond your years... an "old soul"... as the sayings go. In your 20's you have learned what I have come to know in my 50's. What matters most... is that we both learn... we continue to grow.

As I read your "article" I realized that I had to bookmark this page. I also thought to copy and paste your words... put them in an email to a close friend. I know it would help her better understand bi-polar.



Addy

To Dmack.. I guess it doesn’t mater since I have no affiliation with any artist at all. The music I’ve been listening to is trance which is still kind of taboo for people. When I was in a bad state of mind I listened to the typical popular rock, rap and pop music.

Here are examples of tracks I like. (You'll have to copy past from You Tub)
1. Arnej - The Beauty That Lies Behind Those Green Eyes (Opus Outro Remix
2. Ocean Lab - If I Could Fly (video)
3. AnjunaBeats presents Evbointh - One Wish (Original)



thanks again everybody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fii22CaSw-U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDPpcpUdc-U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt6TG5FlDp0


************************

Music does indeed sooth the soul. thank you for sharing. I am always interested to hear new music. Makes me grateful I have my ears! ginnie