[abbylee]

My sister committed suicide 3 months ago on Thanksgiving day. I am 23, she was 26. We were both severely emotionally abused growing up, but in different ways. I was adopted (still, I have known and loved her as my sister my whole life), so was never really treated like a daughter. I was always punished for expressing any sort of unhappiness or sadness. This went on for so long, I now have no idea how to express these kinds of emotions in front of people. Logically, I know no one will hurt me if i do, but it still scares me. Instead, I began to retreat away from my boyfriend, that I live with, immediately after I found out. The more I explained my need for space, the more he would not leave me alone, just stared at me not knowing what to say, or often times saying things that made me feel worse. ex:"just cheer up! I miss you being happy" or "well given her past, is it really that bad..." She worked as a stripper and used drugs, but she was still my sister, and I love her! He thought he was helping...

Some background on the relationship:
It was wonderful for a long time, but for several months before her suicide, I was miserable. He was extremely faithful. I know he cared about me deeply, but he barely spoke to me. He was irritable all the time, and would take it out on me. He stopped showing any sexual interest - rarely even kissed or hugged me. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am an amazing girlfriend. I have lost so many people close to me, that I make sure those I love know much they are appreciated. Since it felt so imbalanced, I had been deciding on how I should end the relationship for quite a while. Combine the two factors - unhappy with relationship and can't grieve in front of people - I had to get away.

I went to visit my family in my home state. Before leaving for the trip, I told my boyfriend the relationship would not work, and it was over. I was already miserable, now I definitely couldn't handle it emotionally, and I needed to move back home to be with family. I cared for him immensely, but meant all of it. While there, I ended up staying a couple days with my old neighbor - a loving person, caring soul, amazing friend to anyone in need. His older brother had committed suicide, and he was the only person I had ever met that I felt comfortable opening up to. We connected on a very deep level, and ended up hooking up (my decision, no pressure from him). Although he is a beautiful soul, I'm sure that decision also had a lot to do with me trying to fill an emotional void. I've never really had anyone there for me like most people do, not even family. And had been ignored by my ex BF for so long...

However, while I was gone, my ex boyfriend had spent the entire time learning how to be the best friend, supporter and boyfriend possible. He read books, interviewed people who had lost loved ones, and spent a lot of time contemplating where he had gone wrong before my sister died as well. He told me everything he felt he did wrong, how he would make it right and that he completely understood my reaction to her suicide now. He was so wonderful and comforting and loving and sorry. I ended up moving back in, and the relationship has stayed that way since.

Here's the problem:
My boyfriend feels that when I broke up with him, I was speaking out of pure confused emotion and a lot of pain. According to him, we didn't really break up, just didn't see each other for about a month. I have never cheated on someone before. Loyalty is a BIG deal to me as well as honesty. But this seems to fall into some kind of gray area. Did I cheat on him? And do I need to tell him about this?

Please help. Sorting out the pain of her suicide is so overwhelming, I can't figure out what to do here on top of it. Thank you.