I will never do what my father did, but he laid his guns around him. My father almost destroyed our family, but he laid out his guns around him. My mother moved us to another state, away from all the family and our friends, but still he laid out his guns. He married, had three children, often thought of what his father did and promised he would never ever be his father, but he laid his guns around him.

I found my cousin while doing a family search, he laid his guns around him. My father was Norman, yes I know where Uncle Norman fits in the family tree...I will never be him, he laid his guns around him.
I talked to him one last time, he was saying good bye, I was telling him to hang on, he laid his guns around him.
His wife got the news in the hospital, I got the news as I got out of the hospital, he laid his guns around him but he put a pistol to his head **. He was like his father, because he CHOSE to be.

If you think this is a little to graphic, no its not. He left the door unlocked so he could be found. He left behind a wife who is angry and having trouble coping. He left behind a son in a nursing home. He left behind a daughter who is confused and lost. He left me behind waiting for his call: hello beautiful, how is my favorite cousin? I will never get that call, I will not get to talk to him again. So before you decide, stop, think about those you think are better off, then call someone, anyone or even go see someone you trust. There is help out there.

I know how hard it is...I have to get up every day, put my feet on the floor and live. I've been doing it for several years and there are days it would be too easy to just give up. Today, could be one of those days...but I won't give up, I can't, I'm a survivor, I didn't fight pneumonia at six months old near death just to end my own life. Its not like I didn't try, I have...my life is not mine to just throw away. It belongs to those around me.

IT BELONGS TO THOSE AROUND ME!

I'm so very sorry for your losses, COK.

Edited later to add: I'm sorry I didn't say this earlier, but please know you can find support here with us all. Keep talking to us.

You are a survivor as are all the people who are members of this SOS forum. It was originally started many, many years ago in the hope of reminding people of exactly what you have said in your post.

You Rock, Woman! Love your post and attitude about your precious life.

Nice to see you again!

You became one of my favorite people COK when you invited me (and everyone else) up on your porch...I wanted to climb onto your lap.

You said it so well and there is no easy way to talk about "it"....suicide is a very graphic subject however it is accomplished. Our loved ones, obviously didn't think about the lasting effect their choice would have on us...it changes us forever and becomes a journey of 10 thousand miles to "acceptance", whatever that means.

I'm so sorry for your loss....you aren't alone but you are loved by many.

beautifully written.

I've learned my lesson before. There is always a rainbow waiting after the storm passes.