In the last 24hrs i've seriously thought of ending my life, the problems i've got with seizures and keep going blind, endless strange things happening and no one being able to get to the bottom of it, they say it could be a traumatic reaction. But i can't leave the house anymore, i've no friends because i cut off all ties with the outside world after a traumatic incident two years ago. I've been gone so long i wouldn't be missed at all because ive just been absent from life. Suicide isn't the kind of thing you can talk about, but i don't want to be alive if i have to continue with my life restricted with these symptoms that are apparently not organic seizures, they are general, but i can't figure it all out, some days i have involuntary movements down my right side, my speech slurs, i have difficulty swallowing, like i often don't realise that i still have drink in my mouth unless i sit down and keep telling myself to swallow, the last few weeks i keep going blind, i have no concept of time at all and its just making me feel as if i don't want to live, but i feel so guilty about it. Fractured mind

I'm so sorry you feel alone with this...it must be frightening to feel like you are going blind. Can you call someone and talk about how you are feeling...just having someone to listen can be of comfort.

This is a wonderful forum and yes, here you can talk about what you are feeling and no one will judge you.

i'm glad you posted fracturedmind. like alffe said...you can post here and not be worried about being judged.

hang in there ok? i am really good at keep a tight hold of the other end of the rope.

you aren't alone here.

Fracturedmind

Please don't feel guilty about not wanting to live, because it's not true. The problem is you WANT to live - you just don't know how with all the strange things happening in your life.

I read through your posts and they sound eerily familiar, though I don't think I've ever had full-blown seizures. I have a rare form of familial amyloidosis, and it causes a lot of the symptoms you mention - including swallowing and vision problems. I've been stuck in my home for several years now. I seriously doubt you have what I have. I'm only mentioning my illness because I can certainly understand your "imprisonment" and anxiety over your symptoms. I'd be bouncing off the walls if I didn't know what was wrong with me.

You shouldn't have to figure this out on your own. I really wish you could find a professional you trust who knows how to listen to your symptoms. Until then, you can practice talking with us nonprofessionals. Who knows, maybe together we'll find a voice that the professionals will be able to hear.

Just wanted to let you know you're not the only person living in a shoe box - and I'm hoping you'll be able to break free and do some living.

Please stop RIGHT NOW! Read this message: YOU ARE LOVED.
My grandfather killed himself. My uncle did the same thing. I really think they wouldn't have been able to take their life if they had only stopped and said I AM LOVED. If you can't live for yourself, live for somebody YOU love.
Got it?
Another trick I've learned: put yourself in a comfortable position (lying down is good) - then think on a really perfect day from your memory bank. Remember the sounds, the smells, maybe a breeze on your face or maybe the sun beating down - Stay there for a long time. You'll come back feeling better.

At the top of the page, there is a sticky about what to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide. There are also Pters thoughts about your mind trying to trick you.

Of course if you are hell bent on killing yourself there really isn't anything we can do to stop you. But I hope you will live awhile and get to know us here.

We really do care.

Woke up thinking about you Fractured....How are you today? Please check in.

thanks for replies, i didn't expect any, i am broken i just can't cope and so alone. i'm kinda lapsing in n out of cosciousness and vision very poor, but will keep checkin in

Great to hear from you this morning Fractured. Have you had a chance to read Pters words at the top of this forum? He was truly the wisest man about suicidal thoughts and we all learned so much from him...rescue yourself is such a good plan.

When I used to feel as desperate as you sound..I'd think about floating. Swimming was impossible at that point so I'd just float until I felt a little better. And I'd remember to look up...there was light up there and hands reaching down to pull me from the pit.

We are those hands for you. And Curious has the rope! *whisper..she also has chocolate!

You are not alone in your thought's fractured mind. I come from a fairly large family, but since I am no longer of any use to them not only because I am disabled but also due to my very limited income. So, I am disabled and poor, which being completely shunned by my so-called family has always been "there way."

I have to go out for awhile today, but will return sometime later this afternoon. Feel free to send me an email if you choose!

Til then, hang in there!