Hi. Just trying to respond to the people wondering about me. I'm still alive... for what ever that's worth, and trust me that isn't much. There's been no moving on or getting better, I still come here and read posts when I feel up to it. I just have nothing to say that is worth hearing. Nothing I haven't said a million times before. Nothing that will help anyone in any way.

Chances are, my life is exactly the same as what ever you remember; and if you don't remember anything, you're not missing much. It's Thanksgiving, I'm alone (which doesn't really bother me, I never liked Thanksgiving anyway). Pitiful job, no friends, blah, blah. If any of that changes, maybe I'll come back and say something, but I long ago gave up hope on life getting better. So I sit here and wait to die. Killing time until the next time the world forces me to leave my crappy apartment.

Sorry, not trying to be a downer, just trying to explain why I faded out of existance.

Lonely1,
I am beyond thrilled that you thave checked in!!!!!!!
The value is immeasurable to me!!!!!

You are often in my thoughts and and always in my heart!!!
I DO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!

I wish I lived closer, I would take you to lunch.
I'm pretty sure I have nieces anad nephews your age so you seem
like family to me. Ii know for certain I would give you a hug.

But for now it's a virtual hug.....

Abbie

you are never alone remember that. You are loved.
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I remember heaps about you lonely. Most of our lives are probably the same as when you were here last. Doesn't stop us caring about you.

You don't have to come here to help anyone. Just be yourself. You are very important and special to so many of us here, even though you may not realize that. We care about you very much. I'm so glad you posted.

On a different note...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhTSfOZUNLo
Big Bang Theory theme song



edited to add for clarity: I remembered that you liked to watch The Big Bang Theory and I actually started watching it here because of you.

(((Lonly))) I still think a kitty could change your life.

Glad you popped in Lonely.

Hi Lonely1,
Glad you are with us. Believe me when I say that I know the feelings you speak of, I’ve spent my whole life battling them and finally made a decision about ten years ago that I would never kill myself. For me it had to do with the legacy I would be leaving my daughters, the same legacy my father left me. You may not have children but the things you do still affect the people around you (Nieces? Nephews?) as it wasn’t just my father who killed himself when I was 6, five years later is was my aunt. It really made me question how to deal with pain. So I’ll share a poem I wrote with you (It’s pretty bad, I’ll warn you and this is the first time ever I’ve shared it), maybe it will speak to you and maybe it won’t, regardless, I’m glad you’re here today and I hope you’re here tomorrow and many, many, many more days to come!!!
Xoxo

Hiding
Reflecting eyes expose my wrong
Counting up, the list is long
I camouflage with smiles and song
Still the list grows on and on
In the sunshine where I hide
Darkness where I search for pride
Mistaking fight for borrowed hope
Correctness is an awful joke
An imprint in a steamy room
Drops of rust expose my doom
Though I scrub still stands the stain
A dedicated smear of blame
Distorted laughs with bloody tears
Pulsing through the coming years
To a song that has no rhyme
No music, beat, just endless time
Searching for a fast way out
But hurting them casts lines of doubt
Lessons can’t perpetuate
Erring fate; genetic hate
I think of those who slept before
And understand the pain they bore
Not anger like the doctors say
Just knowing sleep the only way
And now I wonder if they dream
Or if on fire their soles do scream
Does God forgive the fear he made
Demanding some must seek the grave
Until I know I’ll try to stand
Reject his eyes but not his hand
For brightness covers what night reveals
My hiding place where no one feels
By Marcia

We all have to find our own hiding place sometimes until the pain starts to lift but if you work at it and follow the advice of your doctors, things just might get better. That’s my hope for you! You make a difference in this world, if you were not here there would be a big gap and there would be heartbreak and dire consequences . . . the kind that you can’t even begin to contemplate (think of the chaos theory).

Thank you all for the posts and kind thoughts. (and pretty poems l84dnr ) Don't worry, I'm not in any real danger from myself. As long as I never think about the past, present, or future, I can manage to make it through the day. I'm just so tired. I'm not looking for meaning or fulfilment in life, I'm just trying to caost to the finish with as little effort as possible, because nothing I can do is worth the energy of doing it. Even posting here just takes sooooo much time and effort, even for these little posts. It's hard to do anything at all.

There is no joy in my life. Nothing that I want to do or accomplish Nothing to look forward to and give me energy. Nothing that can get me out of bed in the morning. I honestly don't know how other people find things to do for fun, none of the things they do seem at all appealing to me. What kind of life could I possibly find with that attitude?

I'm just hoping to get lucky and die soon so I don't have to trudge through another several decades of joylessness.

(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Hi there Lonely ... (Koala waves from Australia)

It's good to hear from you again.