Thank you BF for knowing us so well...I go to bed with the chickens and am up before dawn.

Butterfly your dear friends husband needs someone to Listen to him...he needs much more than her closet cleaned and you need to talk. I recently had a dear woman in my living room, who alternated between screaming, sobbing and sharing her agony. Her youngest son (age 21) killed himself upstairs in their home on Nov 15th...she is still in shock.

Your friends child would love to have a hug from someone else who loved her mom. Could you possibly just show up today...not to clean out the closet yet but to show your love and support. I think it would mean the world to all of you who are missing her.

We drove to their house last night. I saw that her daughter's light was on in her bedroom. We slowed down, debating, but I just couldn't stop. Just the sight of her house & I dissolve into puddles. I'm still too much of a mess. I'm working on it.

Dear Butterfly,

as i said in my post in bipolar, i agree that you must take care of yourself first. reaching out to her husband and daughter may be healing to you as well, but i believe that when that time comes you will know. there is no time limit. we are all different. from all you have said, i can tell she is like a sister to you. i have a friend i consider a soul sister. it sounds like something of the kind.

do not compare your suffering to that of her husband and daughter. comparing suffering is not useful to anyone. if you try to help someone walk when you cannot stand, you will both fall faster.

listen to your heart and your gut. your heart will want to reach out, especially to the daughter. your gut will tend to be fearful, and the fear is to keep you safe. at some point, the reaching out will be safe for you, and your heart and gut will agree on what to do.

i am glad you made the attempt to drive by the house. you tried. you might have felt differently, and if you had, you might have stopped. it is ok that you did not stop. it means you are not ready.

one thing i could suggest is... because her house is full of memories... to consider arranging to meet up with her spouse and daughter - or even just her daughter, in a different place. It could be your home, or a neutral place like a coffee shop. Although since you guys might get teary together, maybe a more private place would be best. Either your home, or perhaps a park if there are areas which afford some privacy. again this is just something to think about.

you could also think about sending them the occasional card or a note through the mail. it doesn't have to say much. you could just say "thinking of you. i miss her too." or something. or, you might consider initiating correspondence with the daughter through email... if you want. email can be helpful because you don't have to be right there right then. you can answer it at your leisure. and you can edit things. you can cry in the middle, save in drafts and come back to it later. it is less intense than face to face or even phone. but not saying you ought to do any of these things. just tossing out ideas, in case any of them might feel "OK" to you.

i heard that you want to do something, and feel some responsibility for your friend's daughter... i think i would too, even if technically you have no such responsibility. this is a feeling that is an extension of the bond with your friend. remember this is a feeling. it is ok for it to stay with you, just as a feeling. again, you can act on it when you are ready.

remember that what you do or do not is not right or wrong. there is no "right" way to grieve. do what you feel is best for you, and is healthiest for you.

i can't imagine losing my sister-like friend the way you did yours. she is far away and we can seldom talk these days but i know she is there, and if she were not, i would feel so lost in the world. i am sending you lots of hugs, and warm thoughts.



~ waves ~

It has to be tremendously difficult since you shared so closely with your friend. Similarly in our family a number of years ago, the husband of our eldest niece preceded your friend in much the same way. The trauma for the family and friends thereafter has lifelong repercussions.

Now his son, a small child when the event occurred, is a grown young man in love and making great strides in life. He and I do not discuss openly the hurt, as he lives for the now and that which comes. I am sure these coping mechanisms have been helpful for him in attaining adulthood and his recent college degree. It feels good to shower upon him my thrill for him at the strides he makes in his own path.

Hugs abound for you and those you yearn to help,
Mark56

Take all the time you need butterfly....baby steps as David would say.

Butterfly

This is the kind of talking you need so keep it up.

I too am so glad you drove by, and tried to stop.

Donna

Dear Butterfly know your heart will not always hurt so much. I lost my best friend 32 years ago when he was 18. I still miss him terribly but my grief is not as fresh. Time does heal wounds but sometimes leaves a scar. I both treasurer and hate may scar. I treasurer it because my friend made my life more and fuller. I hate it because selfishly I want that friend back. Your friends husband will let you know when he is ready. I think your instincts are good follow them. Does your friend have a good support system to aid him now? Is there an advocate who could help him, your friends daughter and yourself foster a healthy relationship? When grief is so strong it may help you all to have an advocate. If you could foster a friendship with both daughter and husband it may help focus more on the positive aspects that this beautiful person brought into your lives. When someone so dear and close to us has passed from us unexpectedly it can be a tough thing to find a way to honor them. I believe when we truley love someone and they we are joined in our hearts and are part of each other for all time. We are made more and better for our love for each other. I will always be thankful for knowing my friend and what he brought to me.

exactly!

Welcome, Butterfly.