Suicide is an awful thing to have in common and I'm so sorry you have lost a dear friend to it. It's such a complicated grief process that includes anger, guilt, and sometimes even relief.

Feb is not very long ago and you are coming up on the anniversary date...those are always hard to go through. So are the Holidays when someone we have loved is missing.

Please know that you aren't alone...please pull up a chair and talk to us. Talking is healing.

I will try to figure out how to repost some things from my bipolar group.

Thank you! She committed suicide February 6th of this year. I'm happy for her that her battle with depression and addiction are over, but I miss her. I am looking forward to giving her a great big hug in heaven and hearing her laugh again. She had a great laugh and could always make me laugh, no matter what.

Though I still can't believe it's real at times.

I keep having this recurring dream and she's there and she's telling me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she's not really dead. And I'm so relieved. Then I wake up and I'm so upset that it was just a dream. I have asked God to not let me dream this anymore, but I still am. At least 5 times now. Most recently this week. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. I thought as time passed it would get easier, but I find it is getting harder. It's like all sinking in that her number will never show up on my caller ID again. Her car's never going to pull up into my driveway again. I've known these things since the funeral but living the reality of it is hard.

At her dad's funeral end of October, her husband asked me if I would go over and go through her closet. He said he didn't know what to do with all her clothes and that he thought she would want me to have it. He said ya'll are the same size. I just froze. He said I'm sorry do you think that's morbid? I said no, oh my God no, it's just that... and then I couldn't stop crying. I love her husband and feel so bad for him. I try to talk to him, but seeing him reminds me of her and I mostly cry instead of talk and I feel bad about it b/c I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. At the funeral home we were talking, after talking about the closet, about their daughter how she was doing in school, and I started crying again. And he just abruptly stopped talking and said I have to go ya'll, I have to go get a bottle of water, and then he hugged me and walked away. It felt weird. I felt so bad. I still feel bad when I think about it. I think he had to get away from me because I kept crying. He is the thinist I've ever seen him and I'm not an expert but I think he's still in shock. He's doing the best he can going to work and caring for their daughter (3rd grade). He has no time for much else. I don't know where I was going with this... this was the week my in-laws were here... thanks for listening...

Twice since her dad's funeral, my friend's husband and I have talked about me going over to their house. Once he messaged me saying that his daughter was asking to see me. I said just tell me when, I'll be there. He never wrote me back. Then he posted about the election, etc. and we talked about mundane things. Then again he said maybe one Saturday you could come over. I said sounds good, this Saturday? let me know what Saturday works for you. He comments on my posts, etc. but I'm still waiting to hear which Saturday he wants me to go. It's confusing.

I would show up with food but I don't want to force myself into their lives. He seems very fragile to me. He knows I am here whenever he's ready. I think he is going through a lot and changes his mind often about what he wants and needs.

What he means by cleaning out her closet is that he wants me to pick a few items out for their daughter, as keepsakes and for when she's older. He wants me to take whatever I want. Then he wants me to do something with the rest, give away to others or Goodwill. I It's like at times, this is what he wants. So he contacts me. Then he changes his mind and decides no, he prefers seeing her stuff hanging in the closet. Then he changes it back and wants it gone so he contacts me.

The reason I am leery to push is because what if I do initiate getting the ball rolling on this because I perceive it's a need for him, then I do this for him and then a week later or something he's upset because he regrets it. I mean I already feel like I would be betraying my friend by agreeing to do this, but he says he can't do it and I do want to help her husband. But once I do this, it's gone forever. I won't be able to get her stuff back. That's why I need him to be 100% sure. I couldn't handle the guilt if he blamed me for rushing him into this, even though at times it's what he wants me to do. I don't know anybody on the suicide support forum. Do any of you know, is there a time frame, let's say a year? How long is it appropriate to clean out someone's closet? I want to reach out, but this is what is holding me back.

And because ya'll are like my talk therapy group I have to say this for my own well-being. She & I used to do everything together. I was there when the realtor showed them the house. It needed some updating. I helped her pick out paint colors, light fixtures for her bedroom and master bath. I hung the shelves right next to her bed and bought her the porcelain antique decorations that are on them. She shot herself in her bed. I have not been to her house since then and that is where her closet is and the whole thing just hurts like hell. I hope I don't sound selfish. Her husband and daughter found her and poor things had to see all that, which I cannot even imagine how you go on after that. And I know that's the last thing my friend would have ever wanted to happen. If she had thought this through she would have figured out a way to spare her daughter from the sight of it. Her daughter was her world and the reason she hadn't done this sooner. That's how I'm sure that I'm sure that it was an impulse decision. Sometimes a person is just tired of hurting and can't take it another second. She is a great person, I wish it were all different.

As close as her and I were, I consider him a friend, but he & I were never close. She and I mostly did stuff together while our husbands were at work or on a week night while her husband stayed out with his guy friends. Now that she is gone, I feel unsure of my place in their family dynamic.

And I know once I go in that closet I'm going to remember oh we bought this pink outfit for her to wear to her baby shower and I had to run last minute and pick it up from the lady who did the alterations, oh this is the red trench coat she wore to that picnic we went to, etc. I just know it is going to be a vault of memories. I am willing to do anything I can to help, but before I put myself through this, I need to know for sure her husband will be okay after I leave and it's all done. I'll keep y'all posted.

Well those are pretty much all my posts from the Bipolar Group relating to this.

I went to a Christmas party last night and she would have just loved the top that I wore. We used to share clothes & jewelry. I know she would want to borrow it. I'm missing her and sad for her husband and daughter that she's not here to be with them, especially at Christmas time. Her daughter is so innocent that she still believes Elf on a Shelf is real.

Thank you for making me feel welcome. The longer she's gone, the worse it feels. I want her to call me on the phone so bad.

Hey Butterfly Alffe,and a number of people will be replying to your posts in the morning,afternoon,and evening. I'm sending gentle Hugs. BF