[Burntmarshmallow]

I guess maybe a good idea to have my own thread . So for those who dont know , . . .my best friend of 35 years ended her life after living with early Alzheimer for 3 years . She did this last July. She didnt tell anyone she had Alzheimer except her oldest daughter her mom and me. she only mentioned Alzheimer once after that it became "what I have" .In the last year she was alive she and her son (who has down syndrome ) had moved into her moms to help care for her dad who was/is getting further along with alzhimers . but during those 3 years we had many talks about Alzheimers and then later ways to end her life. her mom wouldnt talk about alzheimers and definatly never talk of ending it . So we did. we talked and talked and cryed and sometimes my phone would end up wet with tears and boogers and sweat . and yes Alffemom I DID feel like i was like the greatest friend . being there to listen to keep her secret to be there for her to understand her feelings and insecurities and her strength and NOT JUDGE . it was hard but it felt okay it did feel like i was a really good friend. BUT then she did it and I dont feel that way so much. it changed when i went up for the service and watched her mom and dad crying and broke my heart to see her son standing grave side just bawling a fit of tears yet he really dose not understand things like an 18 yr old cus of his downs syndrom he is more like a 4 or 5 year old level. and it was a wave crashing on me that I helped cause all this . all the pain and missing her and the permanence of it all . I will never ever ever tell her family how we talked of ways that would work and ways that might not work and all the other things about God forgiving her if she did end her life. because I feel so guilty and I AM TO BLAME cus I helped her keep her plan. keep her secret. and now look what I did I crushed so many hearts I know I will get past this all but right now this really really sucks. it is hard when I talk to her oldest daughter who is now legal guardian of her brother who has downs syndrome. I mean the girl is only 22. my oldest is 22 ( both our kids are the same age) so her oldest is now caring for her brother with d.s. and what has life given to me and my oldest kid. well my kid will be graduating from duke university with a bio medical engineering degree this year in may and then is going to go to med school. my other kid is a healthy 18 year old. how fair is that. what makes me so special and my friends life so umm for lack of a better word .. so cursed . when we were growing up I was the one with the messed up life and she helped me threw it . I couldn't do jack squat for her to help her threw it . cus really there is no way threw Alzheimer it is a death sentence in a way . ya know??? I would trade my life for hers i told her this . ugh I am not making sense here so guess it is best to stop writing for now. But Alffe yes that thread you bumped today I DID send her a link to it like 2 years ago . I told her about n.t. and sos and my screen name here but she only read the link on assisted suicide . now I should go do some thread reading of my own . thanks for letting me unload some of my pile of gloom . i have more but not right now.
blessing and PEACE to all
BMW