(I have edited this in the morning because I don't seem to be able to type with Ambien and other calming meds in me)

Well, in 15 days I will be 50. I was big in the TBI forums for a while. Financially I am not able to keep up, no matter how hard I work. And I try to work the best I can.

Some of you may know Chloe and Boo, Chloe is on my lap now.

I want to give up, move to a cave, just have internet, my dog (someone can have my cat), and food. That doesn't seem like reality.

I do amazing things at work, but the IRS and NY State have me crushing me with taxes (today, they said I owe another 3200$ from 2011), amazing since i have had same job for 20+ years.

My job wants to promote me, but its a government job, so they get so many roadblocks.

My disability claim with the VA is in limbo, and I've been told another 2+ years. I've been trying to hold on.

I am paranoid and shy.

Tomorrow I want to take me and Chloe to Bellevue Hosipital and turn us in (I did not do this, not saying I don't want to, it is I don't trust anyone, and I am afraid they will take Chloe away from me)

I want to give up. Problem is after goign though all the crap, I just do not beleive any one. Going through Sandy was hard, I got to work from home, but it wasn't as great as it sounds, just cannot type it here. Others did have it worse but others also don't have my problems.

Being a disability veteran working for the VA, I help, give and do amazing things for the VA hospital, and in return they hid me in a closet (probably a lot of it is my choice)

Can someone call me (email me JLSTREET33@gmail.com) and I will send phone number. I thought about this, and the paranoia kicking in, I don't think I should talk to anyone, I'd just be whining and there is no solution anyways.

Right now, took some meds to calm this lonely one down.

I'm in NY, and tomorrow I think I will not be a work (edit: I went to work, but I feel like I want to leave, and emailed my boss that this morning; he will probably ignore the email and wait me out).
MY work is amazing, my ability to pay bill, not do. I also gained weight I'm 260 pounds now, and can you imagine size 40-42 underwear on a 260 pound guy.

Botttom line: I need help and I cannot stop thinking my life is The Truman show.... HELP. Every week, it's another eposide. Every week, something else. I cannot remember one full day I was ever happy. There may have been times, but a full day, nothing comes to mind. Wonder when the season final will be.

I resepct all you people who help, but I may not be worthy

love you all.... Jeffrey!!!

Jeffery of course you are worthy...we all are Gods' children. I just don't know how to help you..it's tough enough being shy in this world. But I do care and am sending you positive thoughts for some peace.

Thank you for being a Vet, for trying in spite of disability, for reaching out to help others through your work, for sharing here..... you are VALUABLE here and to us and, I gotta think, to all who encounter you. Sure, you deal with difficulties, but that does not make you in any way unworthy. You are as me, one who was injured by whatever the cause, and you give life your best..... and yes it DOES feel good to earn something to pay bills and provide. You are doing so very much.

You have my respect, my admiration, and my prayers for a better tomorrow/today/right now.
Yup,

Hi everyone. I made it to work today. On friday i left at noon. I just cannot get this hopelessness feeling out of me. I cannot remember when I had a 24 hour straight day of happiness. I've had a few hours at a time of happiness, but 1 day, I don't know if i even had that. And the financial weight... well, I'm just waiting for everything to crash.

I don't have any plan, nothing, just go through the motions. And now my dog is sick (and she hasn't been sick in well over a year and a half) and I cannot do anything to heal her except feed her chicken and rice.

Ugh.

T minus 12 days

I think The Truman Show final episode airs on July 7.

Lets see, this week...
IRS says out of the blue I owe 3000$ from 2011 though I got a refund
I get a State tax warrant today for 1500$ for 2006 though i am paying garnishments out of my payment for about a year now and had lawyers talk for me (until Hurricane Sandy when I lost every type of help) (and, btw, I didn't not pay takes on purpose, my job stopped withholding city tax and I didn't know, my fault, but I didn't cause it).
State warrant even says they can take my dog (the only one I really love and the only one who loves me without condition).
My dog gets sick, I go to the vet, have to use my rent money to pay bill
Miserable all the time except when I can get lost in a video game
Work day starts at 5:45am and ends at 6:30pm, and all I do is good and get **** on.
memory problems from the TBI are messing up my speech
I seem to snap at a moments notice when things go even a little wrong

Well, that was a busy episode.


I even started to cry typing this. I just want one good day, one 24 hours of good.

I know everyone has their own problems and I am not asking for anything, not even a reply or a read, I just needed somewhere to say how I feel and I am all alone (and don't trust people because, well, everyone in my life has hurt me in some way).

I'm update the next episode soon.

Bye.

You aren't alone my friend. Especially with a dog at your side. Please remember that it's fine to share/vent here.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread4982.html


can't hurt...might help.

Hello, and I hope you will alow me to say a word or two. You are a human being, of course you are worthy of compassion, caring, and the hope you deserve.
I need to ask you if you are on any medication for depression.? This cycle of depression can be broken with the right kind of help. I take these medicines. I want you to know, if you stick with it, they work. It takes some patience and a good primary care doctor.
I know you feel very alone. I felt that way too at times, but then I found this forum, and I don't feel so alone anymore. Please feel free to contact me through private message if you want to.
Your dog, would not be allowed with you if you go to the hospital. You would need to board him, until you felt better. Hospitals are good for some people. They may be able to help you. For sure seek help if you are feeling so hopeless. It is OK if you go to seek this kind of help. After you are out, you would have a good councilor to help you. They follow up, and maybe you can break this bad feeling by doing that. I am here if you want to talk. Please keep hope alive. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

Time to check in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjJ2gKcO71M

Thinking about you today.

deffinately time to check in

when i made the video Alffe posted it was done for someone just like you Jeffrey.............some one who needed help and support to get through difficult times.........we all need help ...........and i wont let go

David