[Justice]

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.I'm too young to be terminally ill,and I want my Dad back! My little Prince,he's my puppy,is the thread that is keeping me going.Last wednesday my Medical Dr.gave up on trying to figure out what is causing my passing out episodes,and my chronic low grade fever.He had me on a heart monitor for 2 weeks,and the results of the test came back fine,the chest x-ray came back just as he expected with my COPD,and my blood work was better than before.So he decided to blame the passing out and fever on my psychiatric medication,and referred me to my Psychiatrist! I got a second opinion,and that doctor said,he was wrong! But my doctor won't budge,the other Doctor said I need to be seen by a Pulmonologist for tests,but my doctor won't give me the referral that my insurance requires! It makes me feel like,if everyone else doesn't feel like I'm worthy of getting better,or the proper care,then,why should I try so hard to fight it.But my answer to that question is that,none of that is my puppy's fault,why should he have to pay for it,by losing me?I love my little Prince more than life itself,and I couldn't abandon him for anything,I know what that feels like,way too much! But my family wants me gone,and I've been too sick since I moved to this state to make any real friends but one!Well,that 1 friend is moving out of state on June 4th! I only came to this cursed state to help my Dad before he passed away in the end of 2005! I really miss him,but I know he's watching over me.I'm just so scared of this illness that is slowly killing me,and with my Doctor giving up,it's just going to make it more painful,and speed up the process,and I'm terrified! I need just some words of comfort or advice,on how to live like this,and not be so afraid.Maybe somebody out there has the same illness,COPD,I've had it untreated for almost 10 years,and I'm only 33 years old! Does anybody understand how It feels!

[moose53]

((((((Justice)))))),

I remember you from when you posted earlier

I'm sorry you're still having trouble in your life. I don't know anything about COPD. So, I can't help in that way.

I wish you weren't having such a hard time. You know, Justice, I believe that The Universe guides our steps. I can see that you were supposed to go to Utah to help your Dad. Maybe now, though, it's time to go back home??

Do you have friends or family to support you back home??

You have COPD and you can't get a referral to a pulmonologist

Any one of us who: has got a diagnosis that's long-term, suffers from chronic pain, is female understands what it's like to be discounted and be told that "it's all in your head". Man if we each had a nickel for every time that phrase has ever been used, we'd all be millionaires.

Justice, it's time for you to start kickin some @$$.

Anyone with a pulmonary problem should have a specialist in the field -- complain to the insurance company or to the state medical board that you're getting inappropriate treatment.

Make a decision about the residence. It's obvious (to me anyway) that you don't like Utah and don't want to be there. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It just doesn't *FIT* you. Do something about it.

I know what's it like to be given a diagnosis that may or may not affect your mortality. It's beyond hard -- there isn't even a word for how hard it is to face it.

But, you have to face it.

And you have to take back control of your life and live the life you are supposed to live.

I'm sorry everything is so hard for you. It'll be easier once you take the back the reins.

Hugs.

Barb

[Doody]

Originally Posted by Justice

I got a second opinion,and that doctor said,he was wrong! But my doctor won't budge,the other Doctor said I need to be seen by a Pulmonologist for tests,but my doctor won't give me the referral that my insurance requires!

If you got a second opinion, can't that 2nd doctor do something about it? You must have insurance, an HMO?, that says you have to be referred by a primary? You should then have your primary doctor changed. My son-in-law did that when he was misdiagnosed by his primary as having anxiety attacks. It turned out that my poor son-in-law had serious heart problems. He called his insurance and told them he needed to change primary doctors after we made him go to a specialist. It was then he found out about the serious heart condition.

It sucks having to be our own mouthpieces and climbing hills so much, but sometimes we have to do it.

I'd sure talk to the insurance company. And I agree with Moose that you should try to find your way home again.

[FeelinGoofy]

Hello Justice,
My MIL had COPD so i do know a little bit about it..... She had a lung doctor and a seperate heart doctor.
They say hers was caused by environmental toxins. Everytime she went into the hospital her test results came back positive for TB, but it was proven time and time again she did not have TB. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this as it is a very difficult disease to cope with. If you'd like to talk, send me a PM, and we can exchange emails or something..... {{{HUGS}}}
vicky

[Alffe]

Justice you've had some good advice here and I think your thread has become a rope..... Prince sounds like a wonderful reason to live.
Please remember that you aren't alone...we do understand the various "reasons" for wanting to end the pain...this is the place to talk about it.

[Justice]

Thanks to you all! I've given this whole situation with my Doctor a lot of thought.My 2nd opinion was my best friend,she just happens to be a Doctor.However she is moving out of state in less than a month! I am in the works of getting a new Primary Care Physician,that isn't burnt out,and neglectful! My insurance does cover the Physicians in the building I'll be switching to,and the specialists are located in the same building.I'm not going to become a casualty of my Doctors negligence! I'm going to get that referral,and get that specialist,and be more assertive in my medical care.I'm not going to take no for an answer,it's my life,and it's not thier decision to take it from me,it's thier job to save it to the best of thier ability!
And I do have friends in California,I will get back to,as soon as I can afford it,AND THE BEACH! LOL... My family however,98% of them want me dead,and have been wishing for that for years,especially my Mom! Only 2 out of 9 brothers actually care about me,and my Dad was my hero! He made my world go round! Now that my Dad has passed on,I am no longer a part of my family,my Mom made that perfectly clear.I'm just waiting to get off probation so I can legally change my last name.I still use my alias last name for personal affairs,but anything legal,I have to use the family name! I only have a year and a half left to go before I can make it legal,and I can't wait,it's like a kid,on x-mas morning! 1 of those brothers that loved me like my Dad,will Travel wherever I go to see me.The other will keep in touch! The rest will be glad I'm gone.When I told my Mom,I had COPD,her reaction was,and I quote,
"That's Great!",no kidding!. I'm not making this up,she is pure evil!
But I am taking the steps I need to get the proper care while I'm still here,and I'm working on getting back to California,plus I already have Doctors there,it's my home,so my Doctors are still there! But thanks for the words of encouragement and advice ,you're all great!

[KathyM]

Hi Justice

I have no experience with COPD, but I can understand your desire to return to your "happy place." For me, it's spending time out in the woods where I spent a lot of time as a kid. The smell of the trees seems to rejuvenate my soul.

Returning home and to the beach is a good goal to keep in mind. Hopefully, it will give you a little extra strength to fight through all the red tape and stress you're dealing with now. Maybe you can try meditation/visualization techniques - i.e., take your mind back to the beach when you need to feel the ocean breeze on your face.

I'm disabled (homebound) with a rare and untreatable illness called familial amyloidosis. My woods aren't far away, but it's not very often I get the chance to get out there. Meditation/visualization helps when I need to get away but can't.

Keep hanging on. I'll bet those California ocean sunsets are worth the struggle.

[moose53]

Hey, ((((((Justice)))))),

It's sounds like 'things' are looking up for you. FINALLY

Know what you mean about the relatives. Some of mine are pretty offensive. I just stay away from the ones that are "toxic".

I'm glad you can *SEE* yourself back where you belong. That's the first step!!

You're a "ocean baby" -- just like me!! Sometimes you've just gotta take a nice deep breath of that salty air. You might enjoy this -- maybe it'll help 'tide' you over <<-- a little "ocean" humor there

This is where I go when I need a little ocean fix: http://www.theredparrot.com <<-- click on the webcam and prepare to SMILE!!

Hugs.

Barb

[crytears]

Hi Justice....We used to live in San Diego...Ramona to be exact!
I used to work at El Cajon Sub station and Los Colisnas!
Drove a 7up car!....anyone from Diego will know what/where this is! LOL!
OK...I was a cop....so all of you!...Up against the wall....spread em if you can! Now just stay there while I got take a break now...and don't make fun of my having to use a granny walker! I'm taking it to her! OK....OK...I'm lying about my granny usuing it....its mine! But thank God its got spider webs on it since starting Methyl B12...thanks Rose!...anyway, Justice...I can understand your frustraitions with a lot of things beyond your control.
You can worry and play out what may or may NOT happen in your future.
Don't use this negative thinking to rob you of happy time!
Take one day at a time...if thats too much, take hour at a time...don't look foward to the what if's cuz you can't predict the future.
I love my doggie too! She's my constant companion....was with me many times when I was dying....I had a leaking anuerism that caused severe anemia. I'd get way too anemic for "living" and she was always there with me. Perhaps if you're worried about your loved ones future should you not make it thru this trial....maybe find someone who'll give him a home. I'm sure you'll find many takers, especially if he's a companion or service doggie.
Thats just a thought to maybe help you deal with your fears for his future.
I do hope you can make it back to San Diego...where its sunny and warm almost every day of the year! Doggie beach is great too!
I don't miss the brown hills, 12 lane wide freeways going 80mph and rattlesnakes!....not to mention the mixed crowds! Massive amounts of people all going nowhere....2 hour line just to watch a movie! No thanks, give me the Oregon Trail! Ha! We don't even have a traffic signal in our town!
I love it here! Well...sometimes its way too cloudy and cold....but I just hunker down under a hot blanket, log on to my fav web sites and meet up with cyber freinds....like here!
Blessings, cheryl

[Doody]

Hi Justice, you sound much better.

I love my animals as well. I wish I could have a dog, but I can't where I live, so I make up for it by getting to see my grand-dog, Otto. He's a mini dachsund and so cute.

I know what you mean about the ocean. I haven't been southern California though, only northern. I used to live in Crescent City. Not the warmest place in the world, and definitely cold ocean. Though the beaches are definitely beautiful.

My favorite beaches so far are on the EAST coast in S. Carolina. Wow. So beautiful. Wish I was sitting there right now.