Almost four years ago, after one horrendous ten-day long episode of my very dysfunctional family "dynamics," I just lost it. Yes, I know that it was my "fault," but when you're abused for years on end (by an older child who is violent, although lives on her own), and no one--not one person--would listen to my pain, yes, I did it. I cut my wrist.

I realized before I cut too deeply that I did not want to die, so I stopped it (the cutting, I'd cut my ankles too), and started to clean up the bloody mess.

At the time, my sixteen year old son found this, he called 911, in pure anger, and I was taken to an ER (where I was treated with more anger). Then I was sent to a hospital for three days.

The psychiatrist there spoke with me the next day, and told me that basically, I needed to practice tough love on my oldest child. Before I was discharged, this same doctor told me that he wanted to apologize for my being locked up with very mentally ill people, because in his opinion, I should have been taken to a crisis center.

For all of this, I was billed $6K. It's still on my credit report. I can't pay it.

That son of mine, despite his warm attachment to me in the year preceding this incident, has never come around again. He was away at a boarding school at the time, and he finished out his years there with no words to me other than hateful, cold emails telling me how selfish I am, and that if he is ashamed of me.

The night that this happened, I'd been losing my mind (I guess literally) for about ten days with all this dysfunctional family nonsense. My oldest child once again became violent with me, and she was the final straw. She also called me t he worst names in the ENglish language (you know which one) over and over again, in my home, at the top of her lungs, while my son (and her husband) did nothing. After that incident, my mind really went POP. I now know that was caused by PTSD (this daughter had beaten me up several times before this, the first time when she was sisteen years old herself).While I was trying to cope with the latest incident of violence that afternoon, I said to my son something about her using that word, and to my everlasting horror, my son told me that I had deserved it. That's a dysfunctional family for you.

Well.... flash forward now, almost four years. The daughter who had been so violent sent me a series of pity-me emails earlier this year. Please keep in mind that she also walked into domestic court, swore to tell the truth,and then lied about me. And I'm not talking about petty lies. I'm talking about outrageous lies, what a terrible childhood she had, how I'd abused her and my other two children for years on end, etc. It was shocking. I lost custody of my youngest child over that. So three years later, here she comes, broke and needy, asking me for pity. I almost fell for it. I almost, almost, almost gave in and sent her some money. (Always the same thing with her, she wants money, and she's very manipulative about it.) I came to my senses and told her that I'd pay a bill, put gas in her car or buy her groceris, but that I would not give her money. That was the end of her "Oh, mom, I love you and need you so much and Im so sorry .... " emails. Then she turned to my sister, another dysfuntional person, for her pity parties. From what I understand, they're still having one big pity aprty, and I'm still being trashed.

What I don't understand is my son.He and I did not have the violence in our relationship that I had with his sister. (They have different fathers; I was married, foolishly, at a very young age, and that's how this daughter was born.) My daugther helped my son pen a scathing and untrue affidavit about me to be read aloud in domestic court--same stuff his sister said,what a horrible mother I am, etc, and nothing about the good things I'd done as a mother.

I've never been a perfect mother, but under some very trying circumstances, I did some very, very good things for my son. His father up and left him and my youngest, out of the blue, to go live with a woman far away, and I aws there for my son. We were close. My son is not a liar, either, so seeing that affidavit was shattering to me.

He also sent me two very nasty, cold emails, telling me that he's ashamed of me, that I have no place in his life and never will, etc, etc, etc. But it's been FOUR years now. My life is completely different, though he wouldn't know, since he's cut me out of his life.

I don't understand the hatred that I have been treated with. I have accepted that I have lost my son forever, and that does hurt. Most days, I don't think too much about him anymore. I've seen a therapist, and she told me that's normal--why would I,w hen there is no reciprocity? There are times when I feel angry with him, as though I'd like to hurt him (but I don't--I never act on those impulses, just recognize them for what they are: the result of a lot of pain on my part).

I don't understand why people react with hatred toward someone who was very obviously being abused, finally making a suicide attempt.

The moment I walked in my front door after being released from that hospital, I sent my son (and even the older, abusive daughter) apologies, taking full resonsibility for what I had done. In the case of the daughter, it was hard to do that, because she had hurt me so much, emotionally, financially and physically, and it had been going on for years. In the case of my son, it was truly heartfelt. I took responsibility and told him I'd give him as much space as he wanted. I told him I loved him, etc. IT was good letter. And I kind of give myself some credit for doing that at a time when I'd just been terribly traumatized myself; I knew it had to be done, so I made it priority.

Still, almost four years later--nothing. I've sent him gifts, things I know he likes/wants (including gift cards to his favorite stores, etc). Other than that, I've given him what he demanded, which is to disappear from his life. I missed his high school years, his graduation, and now he is in college. I've missed a lot wtih him.

I can't understand his anger. Yes, at first, I would guess that's a common reaction, but how long is normal? I wonder sometimes if he himself is ashamed of how he treated me, including the affidavits he wrote that were full of lies. He's just not the lying type, never was.


I've also been treated terribly by my own "family of origin." I made the mistake of confiding in my sister, but eventually she betrayed my confidence, and she told my mother (whom I'd already told) and two brothers, who have ridiculed me. That just sent me soaring about two weeks ago, to be ridiculted like that. Why are those who attempt to take their own lives treated with anger, hostility, and ridicule?

My ex, when he feels angry with me (because I won't be his girlfriend or indulge him sexually) tells me ugly things via text message like, "You're sick. Go get help." I DID go get help, per the court order. I'm sick of being emotionally abused by him. Anyone who ridicules someone who did what I did.... I don't know,I think they are cruel.

Can someone help me figure this out? I'm really hurting over this right now. Mostly, I don't understand my son's behavior. It's been almost four years. I gave up hoping that he'd ever come around, but i have days, like today, taht it really hurts me.

Anyone?

Thanks for listening.

Having nothing better to do today, I decided to go look at some of the old emails between my son and myself.

BEFORE the suicide attempt, they were mostly very lighthearted, a and lot of them had to do with his school work (he was away at school and I was helping him via email). There was lots of "thanks mom, you're the best, love ya" and plenty of inside jokes.

After, there was the apology from me to him (no reply), an email I sent him about his bank account (what do with it--it was in my name and he was not responding, so I asked him what to do with the money that was in it? no reply). And then the two very nasty, cold emails telling me how ashamed he is of me, and that if I ever contact him again, I would no chance of ever having a relationship with him. His words: "And I mean never."

I didn't contact him after that. Almost four years now.

Does anyone have any insight into this? I'd be so grateful for some thoughts.

I know I hurt him and scared him. But it's been a long,long time, and he struck back at me badly, lying in a signed affidavit writing things about me that were outrageous and simply not true. I gave him what he demanded, which was not contacting him. Yes, I did send him some gifts two years ago for his birthday, but I did not include any letters, just things I knew he would like. And I sent him gift cards and more gifts this past spring. No response.

I guess I need to just give up. I don't understand why most days I'm okay about this, knowing that I have to be, and then on other days, like today, it tears me up. It would be so much easier not to feel anything about him.

I did hear from his father that my son had made some odd comments to his girlfriend ,enough that the girl's father told my ex (angrily) something like "Your son has problems with his mother." But I was not privvy to the conversation and no one has said a word to me.

I also tried, my god I tried, to keep in touch with the school psychologist when he was still in high school. She blew me off, very coldly, and let me know that any communication from me was most unwelcome.

I've done everything I can, which is mostly nothing, per his angry, vindictive words.

Why would he still be so angry. And I'll add that I don't understand the anger in the first place. Maybe initially, but in the days, weeks afterward? To actively seek to hurt someone who had made a suicide attempt? I don't get it. He was not, to my knowledge, a nasty person. He was kind and good hearted and generous. I'm so puzzled.

I don't get it either.
I just wanted you to know that I did listen to you and feel sorry for you.
Your family sounds like a piece of work. so much drama. wow!
try to take care of yourself. eat and exercise, and sleep are so important when you are trying to regain your confidence. to be abandoned by your family hurts.
bizi

I am sorry about your family. I want you to know that I read your posts, and I do understand about being abandoned. I was also by my daughter and her husband over a trust my mother had. I have a four year old grandson I never even got a picture of. Pain is still there, as it is for you. Sometimes you have to let go to feel better. You can't make them behave in an kind way toward you. I gave up, and let go, or the emotional pain would have done me in. I went to council instead. This may help you come to terms with your families issues, and get you through the rough spot now. I empathize with you, and I care. ginnie

Thank you so much for your reply. It really (like really) helps. I don't especially like knowing that my family is such a "piece of work," but it's true, and having that validated does help.

My ex contends that he was praying for me the whole time, but he never once spoke to me, never acknowledged even the apology I sent to HIM (and he was very much a part of the chaos that led up to that moment). Instead, he involved my two older children in his custody suit. He is the one who hired the attorney, and they all got my son (then, a minor) to write a horrifying affidavit about me to be read aloud in court. So much for his words that he was so distraught, and only praying for me.

But more to my point is my son. I know that anger is a common reaction to suicide or attempts. I don't understand why this would still be the case with this young man. Just before this happened, we had enjoyed a very warm and close mother-son relationship.

The only thing I can think of is that he might be ashamed of what he himself did to me, showing such hatred and anger, sending very ugly emails to me, and then of course the affidavits. Does that make sense? That he might be ashamed of what he did and is therefore afraid of trying to reconnect with me?

Your words are so true: I was absolutely abandoned by my family. I cannot believe I survived it when I think back on it now. That alone makes me know that I'm a strong person. Not just being abandoned but attacked at a time like that .... from what I"ve read most people who attempt are very vulnerable to another attempt in the months afterward, and from the beginning, I was attacked (including a lawsuit for custody and having my youngest child kept from me for four months).

But I am mostly over that. I've finally gotten to a place where I don't care to think about the details much anymore. I can't stand it, and it serves no purpose.

But my son .... I don't understand his reaction.

Thanks so much for your reply. It really does mean a lot to me.

Hi Ginnie

I thank you also for your reply. It really does help.

I have let go of my oldest child. In my opinion, she is a terribly flawed human being, and there is no hope ever of a normal relationship. Still,when she sent those heartbreaking emails to me earlier this year, I did feel some hurt. I felt compassion for HER. She didn't show any for me, even when she became violent toward me and I finally lost it and made the attempt, but I guess maternal love is forever. What I do about her mostly is not think about her at all. And I have absolutely no interest in seeing her again--ever. It's not out of anger; its out of protecting myself from someone that toxic and even dangerous. I'm glad I never kept guns in my home when she was a teenager, because I think the odds are pretty good that she would have used it on me. Those are my honest feelings about her, that she's that dangerous. But I still felt sorry for her, and I still offered to help her financially when she contacted me (just not giving her cash).

She too has a child, but I cannot know that child without having her mother in my life, and I cannot do that. I did offer to buy a birthday gift for that child when I got the pity-me email from my daughter, so that the child would have something to open on her birthday.

I guess things weren't quite that bad as my daughter wanted me to believe, because she never took me up on the offer to pay some bills for her and to buy a birthday gift for her little girl.

When I was abandoned by my family, it meant I was without any financial support, and the job market was terrible (esp for someone who'd been a stay at home mother--my youngest was in kindergarten), and I finally did go hungry. Had someone offered to pay an electric bill for me, to to buy xmas gifts for my youngest child, I would have accepted. IT would have been humiliating, yes, but I would have accepted.

So her pity-me emails seem to me to have been exaggerated. She just wanted more money. That had been a pattern for a long, long time, my giving her money--and she was grown, out of the house and married. I will never go back to that, being swindled out of money,ever, but I will not allow her child to go without basic necessities (or a birthday gift, which in my opinion is a necessity for a very little girl).

I"ve let her go, but it's my son I cannot understand. We had a good relationship. See my last comment about what I think might be at the heart of his continued silence toward me: is he ashamed of himself for lying about me and treating me with anger?

I honestly don't know if I'd want him around in my life at this time, but it would feel good to exchange an occasional email with him while he's away at college, to send him gifts, etc.I've decided I won't be sending him any more gifts for now. He has better manners than to ignore gifts without a thank-you, and I think it makes me look like I am begging him for attention. (I wasn't.) I do not think continuing to be generous with someone who wronged me that badly and continues to do so is right, but it hurts so much.

Why do some people get so angry about suicide attempts? And when do they finally get over it? OR do they?

Thank you both so much for your replies. This stuff hurts.

Yes, I'm going back to see my therapist. It's expensive, but I want some support right now.

I would briefly like to address the 6k you have on your credit report. Some hospitals and/or mental health facilities have forgiveness policies. If you send them copies of all your assets (even if they are just copies of all of the pages from your checkbook) they can see that you cannot pay. You might write a brief note along with the copies, and ask them to please forgive the charges. I think it's worth a try.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your family. I know how painful it is to be distant from those you care most deeply about. My heart goes out to you.

To answer your question, I would guess that his anger is coming from a long history of the same family dysfunction you have acknowledged. Your home life did not turn out so good for you, well, it didn't go so well for your son either. He probably viewed your suicide attempt as his last straw after years of living in his own torment at home. He probably thinks his best chance at living a happy and succesful life is removing himself from the dysfunctuional environment.

If these assumptions are true, your best shot at renewing relationship with your son is to show him that you are no longer dysfunctional and have turned your own life around. You mentioned that you apologized for your selfish attempt of suicide, that is a good start but it is insufficient if it was not follwed by measurable actions. Why would your son, or anyone else for that matter, be interested in having a realtionship with you if you're not healthy?

The good news is that its not too late for you and your son. You can still build a strong relationship with he and the other members of your family but it is going to take you taking the iniative to start the healing process and having the endurance to see it through until you have reconciliation.

All the best to you in this endeavor. It is hard work and may have plenty of moments of hurt and pain along the way but it is worth it.

Welcome to our forums ecotime47

I just felt a need for a personal comment on the bit I quoted from your post.

In this community, and our other one, PsychCentral, we have the majority of members or their loved ones who are not "healthy" in some form or another....but yet have family and friends who care and have close relationships with them. I don't think being "healthy" is a necessary prerequisite for a relationship with family or friends...rather that there is understanding and care that overrides the health issues....and indeed is often instrumental in aiding the healing process!

Obviously the desire is to be healthy....but how sad it would be if we broke off relationships with our family and friends who are not. Come to think of it, most people are unhealthy to a greater or lesser degree...but thankfully relationships are still strong for many.



Back to Sofia's post.....I do hope things get better for you Sofia and especially in the realtionship with your children.

Hi Sofia

My God what a mess.............i too have experienced the cold shoulder of families when it comes to attempted suicide.........twenty years ago my in-laws never spoke to me for two years..........[ and i have just been on the recieving end of one years silent treatment..because i dared to react to a situation......all be it..i reacted the wrong way.....but did it warrant silence for 12 months ......no not really]

Suicide is and always will be a taboo subject........rather than people seeing pain and desperation....they often see rejection ......people think that if you could kill yourself without talking to them about your inner fears you dont warrant respect.....even love


i am a firm believer suicide is an impulsive act [even if premeditated with suicidal thoughts] that fills a void and vaccumous feeling of desperation...............most people want the pain they feel to stop......they often just dont know how to seek or ask for help

Myself i suffer with bi-polar and suicadal thoughts are a not often far away..[at bay the last 12 months due to new meds]
My only advice to you is that you cant change peoples minds overnight....and some times years........all to often people only realise how they have behaved when mental health calls at their own door....................

its not easy to say move on...........and believe my i dont say it lightly.............but a life of regret.........is not as bad as regreting not having lived.

Your ex- sounds like a good christian man [NOT].............Theres a clue in the word EX...............ignore him...........

your daughter is a first class ,,,,,,,, fill in the blanks yoyrself..........she has no class...no respect that you gave her life and in truth is a bully.........[and they deserve no pitty or thought of mind]

sounds like your son was hurt initially by your actions [i understand that]......but he is an adult now and has to man-up

maybe others have influenced his thoughts........until he talks you will never know..........

but Sophia.......DONT WASTE LIFE............waiting and worrying/////// you have to LIVE............

This is not a dress-rehersal we have one crack at life.........yes we make mistakes......yes we fall down.........but its how we stand up that counts.........

Hold no angst in your heart for others it just breads contempt ......which leads to poor mental health.....not good for you or the soul

As for dysfunctional families........tell me one that isn.t.....................i might remind politely some who post on here the mental health will effect each and every person in someway or another through a life period...........even if its mild depression or bereavement [that affects us all at times]

be careful not to throw stones at glass houses......that house could be yours one day..

Sofia.........baby steps...........take one day at a time.........some times there are no answers.........

David