Ohhhhhh BJ...no wonder you have nightmares...how awful for you.
May I ask how long ago that was? And what was his name? 14 is so young, you've hardly begun to live. Warm hugs...

It was almost 20 years ago to the day, June 12th. This is why it's been so heavy on my mind. He was my younger brother and we got along so well. We were totally blind-sided by all this. Not even a clue that anything was wrong. His name was Mark. My mom named him after Mark the Evangelist.

more hugs for you dear girlie.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

(((BP)))
I hope you were able to see Oprah yesterday... so much is being learned about depression.
I truly hope that you have a good doctor or therapist who can help you through this sad time once again.
You are very blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with your mother. Thank you so much for opening up... it helps us all understand more about ourselves and you.

(((KathyM))) your son is a very special young man - I've always known that. What a lovely gift to hear him sing and play that song for you. Does he have any opportunity to use his music in the military? I'm sure he's using that gift for strength. I do.

xo

Mark...the Evangelist. I feel like I'm getting to know your Mom a tiny bit.
We named Michael because it meant Lionhearted.

As if suicide isn't awful enough...being blind-sided by a loved one doing this makes you feel even guiltier for not knowing there was a problem. And then the police come to your house and ask you all those personal questions. ~sigh

Twenty years is a very long time of not talking about it BJ. I couldn't talk about Michael for 8 years so I was just stuck in that awful place...If I couldn't talk about his death..I couldn't talk about his life.

Did Mark like sports? Was he the youngest child in your family. Our Michael was the oldest..our first born and only son.

I hope you got some sleep last night.

We were only a year apart in age Alffe and we had such a good brother-sister relationship. He wanted to be a baseball player and his whole life revolved around baseball. My mom and I went to almost every single game all the way from Little League to Babe Ruth. He had everything going for him and was such a great pitcher that no one could even hit his pitches. He worked out and treated his body like a temple because he said he was going to pitch for the NY Yankees one day.

But what happened? The day he did "it" was the day he graduated from middle school. He was so excited about pitching high school baseball in the fall. We talked about it many many times and he said he was going to work out all summer and be prepared mentally and physically to make the team. We were all so proud of him at the graduation because even though he played baseball he still was an honor student. He wanted to go college and study engineering and of course play baseball. We all went out to dinner that night and went to bed. Then in the morning I found him.

I remember when the police came and my mom told me to go upstairs. I heard all the questions being asked and all I remember my mom and dad saying were no, we didn't know. Many many nights I heard my mom and dad talking about it and my mom kept saying we should have known, we could have helped him. But they didn't know anything was wrong or what made him snap. He had the whole world laid out in front of him.

I just hope that God gave him a break and let him into heaven even though he did "it". And now my mom and dad are watching him play God's baseball.

One of my son-in-laws is Catholic and he said the church has changed it's position regarding suicide...he assured me that our Michael was with our loving God..(how he can "know this" is beyond me but I love him all the more for trying to make us feel better.)

In fact, our girls, and their husbands went over to clean up Michaels apt....cut the blood out of the carpeting, packed his things and moved them to our barn so we didn't have to see that. I'm sure they have memories they'd rather not have.

How your parents must have suffered this loss...and the acompanying guilt.
We are supposed to protect our children...even from themselves. How could we know if they don't tell us? My last conversation with Michael was that evening on the phone...I invited him over for chili and to watch a movie with us. He said, "no Mom...I have a cold and am just going to chill out." I said I love you and he said I love you too. for all the good that did.

Mark had so much to look forward to...a bright future with plans. It's hard/impossible to understand. And for you to find him there.....words fail me.

Alffe I'm so sorry for stirring up old memories of Michael's death. That's why I was hesitant in bringing this out and almost deleted it. But as I guess you know, you have to talk about it because this demon has to come out of the closet. I've wanted to tell you about Mark a long time ago but couldn't get the words to come out. I still don't understand and to even think about it just makes my heart ache. If there was a note, some reason for it I'd understand better. I remember when they got the autopsy results and found no health problems, no drugs, nothing. We were hoping deep down that there was something medical or drugs. But I knew he never did drugs because of baseball.

I know you're hurting at this time Alffe and I'm so sorry. And I hope you're right that Mark is in heaven. I know my mom and dad are so they're all together now.

I didn't sleep well but the sun is shining and I'm going to work out in my garden. My garden is my comfort zone and I feel at peace there.

Please do not be sorry for talking about Marks death. I feel that by talking about Michaels suicide here people will come to understand the everlasting results of their choices....and not kill themselves.

I love saying his name...hearing his name. Please don't delete your posts BJ...we can try to educate others by sharing our pain.

And gardens are just the best place to feel close to our loved ones.

I'm at a loss for comforting words. Losing your loved ones is so hard.

Kathy M....I remember you talking to me about your son years ago when he was still living at home with you and then he sounded like a wonderful young man and YOU a wonderful mother. I know you guys have a loving bond. It's hard when the kids leave the nest, though, isn't it?

BP, I love my garden as well but today it's just rain rain rain and I won't be out there but I'll think of you in your's.

Hugs for all the survivors here.