I can feel the sadness in your post Alffe and I truly hope that I in no way contributed to that. That's comforting knowing that you love to say and hear Michael's name. I never even mentioned Mark to anyone but my inner self. It's not that I want him out of my life, goodness no. I'm just so confused and always wonder what if. I'd do anything to turn back the hands of time and sit down that night and just chat with him like we used to do. But we were all tired from the graduation and ate way too much at dinner and we went to bed early. The next day we were getting up early and heading down the NJ shore for the week. But then...

I do hope you're right Alffe and someone reads this and thinks twice about doing "it". So much pain, so much heart ache.

I have not lost a child to suidice so I cannot even fathom the depth of sorrow felt forever.

BP - when your parents talked - do you know what type of things they thought that brought them to say: we should have known... or ... were they left to wonder until they met Mark in heaven?

Alffe - thank god for the "I love you's"

so much sadness we will never quite understand... yet, it makes us who we are...


We are learning a song in our Chorus right now - its from the Broadway show "Wicked" and until now, I had never heard it... but the words are beautiful....

Artist: Wicked
Song: For Good
Album: Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast)
[" Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) " CD]


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.


...............
xo Addy

I have no idea Addy and that's what tears me apart. I think my mom and dad, especially my mom, were guilt-ridden. No one had any idea that anything was wrong. They talked to his friends, his baseball team and coach and everything was okay. They too had no idea. Everyone was just as stunned and shocked as we were. We went to bed that night and all was well, but not for Mark. Something was inside him and he just "snapped".

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Thank you so much for sharing this. My mom and my brother were my friends and this really hit home. I saw this on Broadway and absolutely loved it. The Wizard of Oz is one of my all time favorite movies. I still wake up at nights screaming "Run Tota run".

I just want to thank you all for your replies and your kind words. You have no idea how hard this was for me. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve but not this time. I'm relieved but totally in shock that I even posted this. Now I just have to think about what I've done and I hope and pray that Mark doesn't feel any "different" about me then the day he left this earth.

hi bp.....
i was the luckiest girl in the world to have had the best mother and bestest friend..but she left this world way to early--she was only 53--and has been gone for 14 yrs now..i have still not stopped grieving for her.. i don't know how to..lloking back into my childhood should bring happiness and sometimes it does but mostly i feel like a big part of my soul is missing...i have thought of leaving this world so many times just to be with her..but she left me with 2 handicapped adopted brothers to raise and love..to give them the best of myself in her memory..to complete her legacy of caring for our boys.. then david, oh my david, left me in 2005..besides my mom he was my all.. we cured each others pains with only a touch and a smile.(david could not talk)
he left me because an aide in the hospital didn't do her job as she was instructed and he fractured his leg,wound up with phnemonia,after his surgery, and died in my arms... my life (if you can call it a life) has been nothing since he has gone too...
my other brother,Terry, is autistic and i still am here for him physically but mentally i am nowhere.. i am looking for a group home for him so he will have a better life..i can not give to him the love he so deserves..i am a failure at all i touch.. to have so much love taken away from me is too much to handle..i sit here and wonder why?? why can't i just walk away from everything and everybody?? why the hell am i still here in so much pain?? selfish me needs and wants them back so much...david was in allot of pain for most of his life..we adopted him when he was 6 months old and the drs said he would not live to see his first birthday(dec.25,1980) my mom and me kept him alive for 25 yrs. and to have him die cuz someone was too lazy just to sit by the side of his hospital bed(while i went to the bathroom for 20 min) and she sat in the hall.. he had complications and left me alone.. even in a crowd i am alone..
it bothers me too when i hear people badmouthing their mothers..i try to understand that all are not as special as mine was.. my doctor told me 14 yrs ago, when i was diagnosed with rsd and many other numerous problems since then, "i was put on this earth to be tortured..and live forever"..i really was praying that he was wrong...but as of now..he is right on target...no matter what i could do to myself..it would only hurt me more and i would still be here...--off to watch the boob tube as i have not been sleeping ..peaceful night to us all--moonstar

i just want to apologize...i went so off topic--my brain just kept rambling-- --moonstar

((((((BJ)))))),



You were very brave to finally talk about Mark's suicide. My brother, John, committed suicide when he was 21 and I was 22.

Born 11 months apart. We were like twins. We looked alike. We sounded the same. We could finish each other's sentences. Half of my soul.

We didn't talk about it in my family either. The only two people that knew about it (but, did not talk about it) were me and my Mother. Even my Father did not know, she told him it was a heart attack -- that's what she told everyone.

He was in the Navy at the time. I was the one that had to request the autopsy (came to me the week before Christmas). I also had to request a board of inquiry. I didn't realize until I finished my 13 years of therapy how cruel it had been for my Mom to put me in charge of everything.

I know what it's like to lose your baby brother

My Mother had told me that my Brother had attempted suicide a couple of times at home when he was still living there before joining the Navy. I never knew that until my Mom told me.

You know, BJ, now that you've finally said the words -- you'll start to heal.

There's a saying that I read in a book once -- can't remember the name of it -- "Tea and talk is Jewish therapy -- you talk over tea until what you talk about becomes just memories that you share with others." That's the gist of it, not an exact quote.

Suicide affects everyone that's been touched by it even in the slightest way -- family, friends, fellow students, co-workers, people that have gone to the same church or temple or synagogue.

There's was no note in my Brother's case either. I always 'knew' that something wasn't right. You come to a point, at least I did, where the answer comes to you in your heart. It'll be 41 years in October since by Brother committed suicide.

I wish I had him back in my life. I wonder how different my life would have been if he were still in it. But, I wouldn't want to lose the person that I've become because of his suicide.

We heal when we give up the pain. We NEVER have to give up the love or the memories.

BIG HUGS. I'm proud of you too, BJ.

Barb

(((Moonstar))) I'm so sorry for the pain you've been through, and you've been through a lot. You're a very special person and I hope you find peace in your mind. You've done so much. You deserve to have happiness.

BP maybe you can talk to your mom and dad about it and bring it out in the open.

Moonstar no need to apologize. You've been through so much and I can feel the heart ache in your voice. I don't know you, yet anyway, but I have so much admiration for you. But Moonstar you are correct...we are the luckiest girls in the world.

Barbara I had no idea your brother committed suicide also. Even more so with everything thrown at you to do about it. But the difference is you knew something wasn't right. I, we had no idea.

I know that now that I've said it I should start the healing process..my pdoc said that too. But why am I'm hurting so bad today? I feel like I've let him down or something. I've kept this in so long but it was just eating at me. I've almost mentioned it several times, the latest being when someone posted "Why don't they just say it?". Mark's obit didn't say it either. It just said that he went home to the Lord. And I felt I had to be close to the Lord today. I went to all 3 masses at our church today and I prayed and prayed to Mark to forgive me.

Oh Doddy I'd give anything to be able to do that. But they're with Mark. They know the answer but I'm left here wondering and wonder what went wrong.

Oh lord, I'm sorry BP! I forgot! Well...you will heal, mostly. There's always that empty spot in your heart and soul. I still have moments when I think about my sister and of course it makes me sad. Watching her die slowly for a year took its toll on many lives. But after 21 years, the pain lessens a lot. I know she went off to accomplish other things that she needed to do.

You have nothing to be guilty about, and don't you forget it!!! Sometimes, you just don't see someone's suicide coming. Apparently they want to go, so they do.

Hugs.

And no Moonstar, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for!!!