Addy requested that I start a thread about mothers so I will try because I need to get this out.

I've seen so many negative posts about mothers since Mother's Day and it makes me so sad, or better yet it's a trigger for me. This is something I found about mothers.


That's what a mother's love is. And my mom had all that and more. But notice, sacrifice and pain.

I've seen posts, not in this forum but others, where a mother is called wicked, evil and all sorts of names. I just don't understand. It just tears me apart to read that. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking but you only have one mom. And she brought you into this world with love in her heart. Things may not have worked out the way YOU wanted them to but she's still your mom and she tried to give you everything YOU wanted. But she tried and that's all you can ask for. And for those who still have their moms, cherish every moment because she won't be here forever.

You know something my mom always told me? A son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life. Now I'm an only child right? Nope. I've been keeping this in and haven't even told my pdoc until today. My brother committed suicide when he was 14 years old. Hung himself in the bathroom, no note, no reason, just gone. Why? I'll never know. My mom and dad were always there for him and tried to give him everything he wanted.

Maybe there's something in the genetics but I'm not sure. I've tried to commit suicide several times and yes I'm ashamed of it. All it accomplished was sending me off to the hospital and being "labeled". But I'm grieving for my mom. Being a Roman Catholic, I won't get into Heaven though if I do but I have weak moments and sometimes they take hold of me and I can't control them. And being BP, you never know. I think, my mom's there why not join her?

I just needed to get this out so you know how I feel and why I'm grieving for my mom so much and why so many posts have upset me lately. Am I weak? I don't know I just know that I'm utterly exhausted and relieved that I got this out. Maybe now I can get some quality sleep. And my pdoc is quite proud of me.

I'm proud of you too BJ....that you could finally talk about "it". How I feel for your parents to have lost a child like that and for you to lose a brother.

You are so fortunate to have had such a loving mother...not everyone has that in their past. I've told you this before..I think your mother has a wonderful daughter.

I'm sitting here staring at my words and can't believe I even wrote them. I thought about deleting them several times but I have to get this out.

I don't mean any harm to anyone else who doesn't have a good relationship with their parents. I was one of the lucky ones and had 2 of the best. I know that they tried their darnedest to give us everything we wanted. And I was happy. But my brother, I don't know what happened. Life is a mystery and now I'm left to wonder by myself what went wrong.

That's great that you can get that out of your system and the poem is beautiful.

My daughter and I are very close. She says I'm not only a mom she loves but a best friend as well.

My mom and I aren't close. We've had our issues. But for the most part, she and my dad have been there for me when I needed them.

I'm so sorry about your brother. You rest easy and take good care of yourself!!!

for BP

And that was what my mom was to me, she was my friend and I'd do anything to have her back.

dear Girlie,
This is the place to talk about it and I am so sorry that you lost your brother this way...I too lost my brother to suicide.
I also want to wish for you some sleep tonight.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thank you Bizi and I know how you and your mom are going through such a rough time with it right now. I've been holding it in since Mother's Day and just couldn't get it to come out. That's what I alluded to when I said I'm under so much stress, besides my job, but that's another story. I HAD to get this out.

I can't say enough how sorry I am that you and your mom are going through this right now.

Me too.

And a big thank you to Addy for edging me on. I don't think I would have had the nerve if you hadn't posted that.

I bet that your mother was VERY proud of you BP. I know I would be. I don't even like to think about my passing in that I know how much it will affect my daughter.

MeBP

Thank you for having the courage to talk with us about it. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. My condolences on the loss of your brother.

I don't have any daughters, but I have a very close relationship with my son. I credit my mother for this because she taught me how NOT to be a mother. From the beginning, I made it clear to my son he could talk with me about anything. Fortunately for me, my face was paralyzed by the time he was a teenager, so the shock over content didn't show so much.

When he was home on leave recently, before he returned to the base he played this song on the piano for me. It's called "A Song for Mama" by Boyz2Men. It made me cry. Here's the lyrics:

You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything
Or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times

Chorus:
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is

You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life

*****
I've referred to my mother as "wicked" in the past, and I'll probably continue to do so. We developed a mutual hatred for each other that can't be denied. If she were still alive, she'd probably use the same name to describe me.

However, I understand NOW what made her appear wicked to me. I've forgiven her completely, so I hold nothing but love for her now. She could have - and would have - been a great mother if she would have been given the chance.

I also understand why I appeared so wicked to her. It may sound strange, but I believe she's forgiven ME. There are times when I'm laid up in bed racked with pain. I think of my mom, especially when I'm missing my son. I think of myself as a child, and the only words that come to mind are "you ungrateful little bi*tch" (comparing my childhood behavior to my son). I think of my mom out there somewhere giggling at me and saying "Hurts, don't it? - I'm sorry you're in pain."

It's not possible for me to be with my son now. I can only care from a distance, but he knows I want him to remain strong and true. I want his needs to be met, and I want him to be content with life.

It's not possible for your mother to be with you now. I don't mean to step on any religious toes, but I strongly believe she's also caring from a distance and wants you to be happy.

Thank you Doody and I so hope that you're right.

Kathy I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now...I had no idea. But I just want to reassure you that it's nothing that you've said or done. If you did I never saw it. BTW, I love that song by BTM.

I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. But I still live with the nightmares. I was the one to find my brother. We shared the same bathroom and when he didn't answer I just thought he was taking too long as usual. I got impatient and opened the door and....................