dearest Gerry
you know it so well
and are a gem
that something special
who is instrumental in many
of us
"it" has that hold on me
in a terrible way
i deal with "it"
one day a time
there is tomorrow
maybe
love
me

don't want to feel anymore
 

it is what it is
what happened to
ME

how many screw ups will it take
 

it is one thing trying to get help for my
daughter and her attempts
it has been three weeks
going to the program with her father
four times a week and still hasn't seen
the shrink yet
this was to happen when we went in
voluntarily sat for 6 hours and not be seen
by a shrink
and now three weeks into it
i still yet to get a return phone call
from the director after numerous phone calls
and leaving messages
i don't get it
why so many screw ups
before something terrible happens
i have my own shrink
who is dealing with my own problems
with going Home
and then i'm reminded about my little Eva
and i tell him
doc it has nothing to do with my children
i am just extremely depressed over WHAT!
i WANT to be HAPPY
not any of what i am feeling
every single day
as i have made my choice
however sad i am
these are not unreasonable
question
such as how can there be a plan
when she was overlooked having to be seen
by a psychiatrist
this confirmed by her counselor
so
what the heck
3 weeks as far as i am concerned
was a waste
after all
this much i know
she should have been seen
and now they are scrambling
me

eva
 

How frustrating!

That is way too long under the circumstances.

Perhaps the Counsellor can make some waves and get her seen by the Psychiatrist.

Where I live there is a huge difference in the methods of treatment. Psychiatrists, because they are doctors can prescribe medications as well as use talk therapy. Psychologists/Counsellors tend to do more hands on work in teaching strategies to their patients so that they can maybe change certain thought patterns

I'm not sure if it's the same where you are. I personally would prefer the methods used by Psychologists to help change problematic thought patterns that perhaps have led a person, or kept a person, in to a dark place that they feel they can not escape and make them want to stop it all. In my country, a Psychologist can refer a patient to a General Practitioner if they feel medications are needed.

Anyway, that may be totally different where your daughter is being treated. You would think that it being a hospital that there would be all these counsellors and doctors on hand day in day out. :confused: Is she being prescibed medications already? Who is making sure that the medications are being helpful or that she needs dose adjustment or whatever?

Thinking of you all there. What a terrible time you're having.
Sorry about my rambling, but I think it's just terrible how people are treated because of their mental health problems and differences. It's always been like this and it's not right.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

oh dear Lara
i concur whole heartily in your suggestions
when i found that my daughter was cutting herself
and took immediate action
contacted her father eldest sister she is comfortable with
she is 33
it was from the beginning of entering the hospital
and not seen by anyone other then the ER doc that did zero
only to be sent to the program upon leaving the hospital
and in the three weeks not seen by either doctors to asses where to begin
she is not on ANY MEDS
and her urine is clean
it drives me nuts
the medical institute is just become a joke
when it comes to mental HELP!
i have experienced more than my share of
doctors who screwed up on many levels
i DO NOT TRUST ANYONE
and will always be on guard
there was a time when my epileptic child
was given incorrect meds for a week and every time
they gave it to her she told them she has never taken
it ever
the possible side affect
DEATH
so i DO NOT TRUST
I SO FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO EXPLODE
how much more can one mind take in before snapping
that's how i feel
your care is felt
thank you
do not ever feel you are taking up time by what you
call "rambling"
i'll be more than grateful for the concern
MENTAL HEALTH
IS A DISEASE
shame on anyone who treats a mentally ill person as if they were invisible or better yet aren't alive
oh Lara
thank you so so much
pray all is well with you
and that you will be with those you love on this Thanksgiving
day with lots of belly laughs
oh how i miss laughing
be well
me

Do you mean you feel powerless?

I've had some things going on with where I live and have been absent from the forums here quite a bit lately so haven't been able to keep up.

Is your daughter living with her father's eldest sister now after coming out of the hospital or living with her father or where is she living?

It sounds as if you're in a position where you are feeling powerless to help. Are you able to communicate your terrible feelings of fear and concern to those people where she is staying? Someone needs to step up to the plate and get something sorted. If I was there, I'd go sort it out if I could. :o

Who do you trust to get the practical issues sorted for your daughter?

Maybe because you're feeling so overwhelmed you are unable to see the trees for the forest. Sometimes if we simplify things... like write a list of people there who your daughter trusts or you trust or both of you trust... then you can talk with them and see if they can get this issue with the doctor sorted.

I don't know how often your daughter is seeing the counsellor but the counsellor is the one who sounds as if they have the most contact of all the medical people. I would either call them myself or get someone who is living with your daughter to call them.

I know there are patient confidentiality issues but under the circumstances, it seems imperative that a voice is heard. Obviously that voice is not your daughter? Your daughter is not motivated to feel better? If she is not, then she's too ill and needs someone else to step up to the plate.

my child lives with me
the sister i am referring to is my eldest daughter
i have four children
i was married once and my three eldest children from
that marriage
33,31 and 30 and my 16 year old
it is my eldest my 16 year old feels most comfortable
with
and then my granddaughter whom i have
custody
i hope this helps
from a caring person
me

Thankyou!

I understand better now. I became confused with mention of father and eldest sister. It was just the way I read the line.

:hug:

The Tragedy
 

In knowing care is so desperately needed, but the system fails to step up.

Here where Eva and I live anti-psychotics must be psychiatrist prescribed. They have a hold on that care. Even so, there are times when they screw up royally as our youngest son knows far too well....his psychiatrist Over Prescribed meds and he SO acted out while on them it appears his career is in doubt!! On the other hand, our eldest is cared for well by a psychiatrist- psychologist team and he has begun to very nicely emerge from hearing voices and ultra paranoia.

Mental health care can be such a c rap shoot. So Eva...I very much hear your anguish and the tragedy which holds your family captive.

And

I
Pray

M56 :hug::hug:

oh my friend
you understand
and to be powerless
hurts even more
my prayers extended
i try to hang on everyday
and am so sad
sadness i thought never existed
and it so does
it's a monster brother to my monster pain

there is a little girl inside
never got a chance to love and grow
and have fun
why
me

attitudes
 

how much more turd can i take

so many dysfunctional events

without having the family together

my precious dog with my one daughter

i miss him soooooo much especially when

i am sad and crying

he would lick them all away

and give me unconditional love

love

what is it

Dogs are wonderful creatures eva...I'm sure you do miss him. :hug: :hug:

Oh Eva
 

I am sure he would be sweet for you to have. I am sorry the building will not allow him to be with you especially now.
M56 :hug:

the love of a pet
who is faithful
who gives more than taking
who will surely lick them salty tears
who will lay next to you and love you while keeping you warm
who will protect you from harm or warn you something is about to happen
who will look into your eyes and see the love
i miss my dog

i am already a burden
 

oh dear GOD
what happened to me
we were set to have fun
my youngest sister who is 45
came over Saturday night to spend time with me
slept over she had a long day at work EXCLUSIVELY
to draw blood from patient
but after a good night sleep
watched mass the next morning
and got ready to take the baby to see Santa
she understands the story about the birth of baby Jesus
and IS IN AWE to be the next generation
to bake his birthday cake
i was a downer
stubborn walked way to much
eventually had to get a wheelchair
how embarrassing to be a pathetic person with the gifts around me as my sister waited on line with Eva for almost two hours
what possessed me to walk as i did
taking my second set of meds may have given me an extra
wind in my step
point
when making it to Santa after shopping for Corissa
i was miserable got to see her sit on Santa's lap
and speak to him about a couple of dolls
she was Joy to watch
i was a miserable
and i couldn't stand it
sitting
while people just walked on past me
i hated myself
i rarely use such a strong statement
to have been such a sour piece of candy
i didn't like me and how i was feeling
trying hard not to show my family
my sadness
failing
me

i am sad
 

the sadness wrapped tight around
my body

the sadness has me thinking of terrible things
in my past

the sadness robs me of the joy i should be feeling

the sadness is a creature that is so cunning

the sadness brings me to my knees

i have no will to move forward

my sadness has a hold on me

this is not who i am

i don't know or welcome it

but it made it through in this house

i hate who i have become

just hate it

eva
 

forget the past! All it does is rob you of today. Leave it. You cannot change it so it. Is pointless to dwell on it.

dear Barbo,
of course you nail it
i fail to mention
that these terrible things from the past still lives
my thirty year old who started here road to devastation
having lost the rights to her child
who is a PCP addict
a father who does absolutely zero
as we speak she is in the hospital
spoke with her social worker
she was in a terrible way
four point restraint
she was combative
i cannot imagine
where is the relief
it is i her mother who gets the phone calls

my sixteen year old in a program
a place where she is evaluated finally by a shrink
he prescribed lexapro
a drug that took and put me in a suicidal way
and have not come out of it
i am frightened for her
i am smart enough to know what works for one
may not work for another
so reluctant about it
my past is my present state
my children ill in one way or another
me and my sisters
i am bound by my own self
vacuum sealed
trying to break through it
to have that phone call as i did
four days ago
your daughter is in the hospital
attempt suicide
i fail to explain for
it goes on and on and on
i have four children
16, 30, 31, 33 and my grandchild 3 1/2
if it isn't one it's another
and then there is
me
and it has my middle sister and nephew
he is a year almost to date is their birthday
this sister is in her own funk
a real bad one i may add
i mean it's all around me
and i'm the go to guy
estranged from the woman who birthed me
has been since 2003
is not doing well physically
the same condition that me and my sister suffer from
crappy skeletal make up
she had two knee replacement with many other problems
throughout her years
when she did a job she gave it her all
i will stop here
it could go on and on
however
you are absolutely on the money
now lets get my brain to knock it off
merry christmas
me

woke up in tears
 

someone please explain
why is it i have a feeling of doom
it engulfs my entire
i feel it when it comes on
almost like a panic attack
so strong so strong
i hear from my shrink
your doing great eva
oh my i must feel better
i pushed myself to breaking point
real smart
no one will understand the pain this entire body
feels unless they too are going through it
my goodness
still in my forties still kicking butt
in every way
haven't had a mans touch in years now
just a hug
a lousy hug
yeah i'm lonely
to go through this alone
no help to get up out of bed
or out of a chair
or getting dressed
to wash my back
to put their hand on my back
in a tender way
to have my sweet spots kissed
with the softest touch
this i doubt will ever come to fruition
i vehemently dislike that my entire body hurts
to get ready to get out is more trouble then its worth
i hate how i feel
and i'm the only one who can do anything about it
me

i made it
 

through another day
sad
very very sad
broken
me

Eva,

Just wish there was something to help get you out of this dark hole you are in. It seems like more than the pain. Sometimes some of the meds for depression actually can make things worse.

Concerned.:hug:


Gerry

Sharing Brokenness
 

As one who is also broken, I share your understanding
and do know you have deep sadness
for this reason I pray
quite a bit
seems like unceasing
for in this, I can find through existence peace
OH how I pray the darkness of strife and sadness be lifted for you
and that we all hug each knowing of the need for daily, hourly, momentarily
to be lifted up

HUGGING,
M56 :hug: :grouphug:

eva
 

We've got your back Eva!

it isn't any better
 

i again woke up
as if i had something to do
and realize i haven't had a reason

my desire is less and less each day that goes by
my lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger
my heart shrivels into a hard dead organ

i
me
this person
knows many different pains
the state of affairs
well lets put it this way
i don't know who they are
as proud as i am of my offspring's
the children who are now adults
in there thirties a sixteen soon
to be seventeen
a granddaughter
and i will be misunderstood
if it's all four of them
it must be me
when growing up
when did it all get broken
it always was
anything good to come
quickly gets pulled from under my feet
why oh why do i give such a crap
why is my sad pathetic life
that
when i say to my child your behaving
as if you are ready to get your menses
after her fresh foul attitude asking her
to please knock it off with her look and then say
what's wrong with you
and i tell her you
then i hurt so badly for saying that
as true as it is
just want to find a rock to crawl under
and seek comfort
that flannel shirt wrapped around me
searching searching
hoping to get a sent of love

this i express over and over and over
and having to make that choice
i have family who count on me
then turd on me
my bad
me

i need it more now than ever
dear friend

sending positive thoughts your way, as always.

:hug:

Eva -- I keep you in my prayers.

Hi Eva
 

Sad, I can truly understand
Yet I know and feel definitely not pathetic
Sure, with all which drives the sadness
It is so easy to slip into the darkness
Of,I have little, and things are going so very badly
But
You know?
You bring light to so many of us
That flannel shirt IS wrapped around you
That little granddaughter does revel in your very being
You light her life
You share hope with me for a better tomorrow
I pray for you the same
Please don't stay hidden under that rock for long
Since your being does crave the light
And we all are holding you in HUGZ aplenty

Even now :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
:hug: M56

One Foot
 

One foot in front of the other
Even hesitatingly a walk does make
Each day in every way
Those choices in sum weave the path we take



The next stanza is yours.....let's see where it goes :grouphug:

i am responsible
 

and what it still and always be
NO OPTION
you know
i will give my best
i must
must give up this depression

God
Grant me the Serenity
to Accept the things i CANNOT change
the Courage to change the things i Can
and the Wisdom to KNOW the DIFFERENCE
in Jesus name
me

i am responsible
 

and what it still and always be
NO OPTION
you know
i will give my best
i must
must give up this depression

God
Grant me the Serenity
to Accept the things i CANNOT change
the Courage to Change the Things i Can
and the Wisdom to KNOW the DIFFERENCE
in Jesus name
me

eva
 

I wanted to say think of all the people out there who care about you. Many of them have problems similar to yours. But we love you and wish you well. This is said in the spirit of good will.

Dear Barbo

I very much think of the persons I
do not know
And pray for them as the unfortunate
ones who starve to death
No clean running water
Yet we have places like this
in this country
My anger that mental illness not
taken seriously
Babies burned upon birth

I am that person who has emphathy for the
less fortunate

Be well Barbo
Thank you for you interest
and I hope you can understand where
most of this all comes from

I need out of this depression

Be well
Me

Eva,
I wish you love....I know it sounds like the song; but so true.
Hopefully there is someone; if only a good friend you can get to know better. May even be a next door neighbor to have a cup of coffee with and some conversation; maybe even share a little laughter.

Caring about you Eva.

Gerry

dear Gerry
oh my dear friend
to spend that coffee
with a beautiful lady as
i have come to experience
to know you have the compassion
and understanding is something
i replay in my mind
of the beautiful people
such as yourself
to help by talking of ones
experience strength and hope
i have been trying to heal this broken
person for a long time now
i believe you understand this
and if i may extend my appreciation
you never turned me away

difficulties are still alive
and well

as i am also

pray you found comfort as time moves on
my wish you can Fell Happiness

Corissa sends love
as i do too
me

Love back to you Eva,
and please thank Corissa; means so much to me coming from her. Love back to her as well.


Gerry

Blessings
 

On each of you. And....a coffee.....a hug.....some conversation.....things which confirm community.
Love, to all,
M56:grouphug:

And love to you as well our dear friend...


Gerry

Mark,
A screen, a typed word,
A thought from thousands of miles.
Connection.
Another Community.

Dave.