I truly understand all those emotions you are going through eva. I had a long journey through them myself until I finally reached acceptance. I didn't like it, didn't want to end there but it is, what it is. Guilt didn't work, didn't change the facts, anger didn't help me understand those "choices"

You are NOT responsible for her bad choices. We human beings would rather blame ourselves for tragic occurences than admit that we are unable to prevent them from happening.

It is that old accept the things we cannot change thing.

and you know i know it

it is just my make up

taking care of one thing or another

i also do understand the

it is what it is

i am very careful what i ask for

then the mother factor

wanting to protect

yet fully understand

i control no one but myself

and what i say

to be impeccable with our words

living with the fear every time the phone rings

is not living

in fact i become more isolated

as i deal with out of sight out of mind

and even that takes seemingly forever

my mind

my mind

needs a shut off switch

i am never alone

as much as i feel lonely

and i am thankful for my family

never ever ever has it ever been a thought

"i wish i never had children"

thank you Father

me

90 meetings 90 days sober

she may call anytime

she can see her child when her father
comes to pick her up and do things as a
family

this is my request

until then no contact

made the choice for her

me

Been thinking of you.

It's very difficult, but sometimes "tough love" is the only option.

I hope she can heal her mind and her body and get back to doing what she needs to be doing very soon.

im sorry Eva. so sorry. reading all of this reminds me of what I've done to my mother the past 9 years when I was much too old and should have known better.
some humans, it seems, have a self destruct button they cant resist pushing at times. I hate to sound corny but I think it's from lack of love of self. the thing is the deeds affect others.
I hope your daughter gets better and things turn around.

dear mark

always hoping my family here are doing
better then the day before
God be with us it is so painful
YOU hit the nail smack on the head
you got it my dear
you see "it"
you take care of yourself
one day at a time
your friend who understands
you story
thank you for sharing
me

this that is something
completely different
a feeling i never felt in my life time
a shrink i have for more than five years
has me on Zoloft yet to me just another pill
i do not want to feel what i am feeling
it is something that crept up and before you
know it you have a knot in your stomach
and a hole in your heart
i have never felt the yearning for
this horrible horrible appendage i have no control of
my mind robbed by impending doom
what good am i to my family
who wants to feel like dying
i know how i got here
and i talked through it with
my shrink
and like yourselves
tell me you have your family
Eva my grandchild who is my responsibility
you would think
that would wipe that doomed feeling
they have Nothing to do with it
i feel i have and i understand it's just a
feeling where you are hoping
this too shall pass
well
it doesn't
sometimes you just want to shut your brain off
where's the turn off "button"
the rerun of my life
i cringe at so many memories
so few are the remembrances
of Happy times
come this far in life
and there is no choice
it is not an option
i have to believe
if this came out of wherever
it can go away one day i
HOPE
so not today
me

Eva,
Just wondering if the Zoloft could be adding to some of this feeling of doom. All too often, these meds have the opposite effect on some people.
Concerned,

Gerry

dearest Gerry

just seen my shrink
he is seen twice a month
for a good number of years
no he is not a God lol
the last of "that kind of medicine
was Lexpro and because i pay very close attention
to my reactions when putting a new drug in my body
in a dark place last year this time
found myself in a darker place
so i knew immediately it was drug related
before that i was on prozac had no problems
of such kind needed to be changed because it
interfered with my cancer drug tamoxifen
you are a smart woman i as too watch and
know my body like no other
as there are two new concerning things that are happening
physically
your concern valid
you are on the same page
love
me

long gone
out of their house
no more abuse
i'm on my own
no cell phones yet
and i did not have
a phone yet
turns out
mind you
hearsay from mother
and sisters

my father had a prank
done to him from his foreman
a addition to pushing him over the edge
possibly
however him and my two uncles
worked together till his
death
my father was being given a lesson
with this prank that he was fired
for a physical fight he had with his forman
sticking up for his brother

well sometimes i would think
its been a huge factor
be it may
his job was what defined him
in a huge way especially as
a immigrant who became a citizen of this country

in the end the employers
that pulled this prank
was not the intent to fire him
but scare him

point

it sucks
to have had the boat
pass on by soooooooo
many times
and now i am not employed
as of April

if all for a reason
a little loving feeling
would be great right
now

i will always feel a void

i am not speaking of the title "Mother"

fighting this mind of depressed thoughts
and believe God has something prepared
down the road
me