oh my friend
you understand
and to be powerless
hurts even more
my prayers extended
i try to hang on everyday
and am so sad
sadness i thought never existed
and it so does
it's a monster brother to my monster pain

there is a little girl inside
never got a chance to love and grow
and have fun
why
me

how much more turd can i take

so many dysfunctional events

without having the family together

my precious dog with my one daughter

i miss him soooooo much especially when

i am sad and crying

he would lick them all away

and give me unconditional love

love

what is it

Dogs are wonderful creatures eva...I'm sure you do miss him.

I am sure he would be sweet for you to have. I am sorry the building will not allow him to be with you especially now.
M56

the love of a pet
who is faithful
who gives more than taking
who will surely lick them salty tears
who will lay next to you and love you while keeping you warm
who will protect you from harm or warn you something is about to happen
who will look into your eyes and see the love
i miss my dog

oh dear GOD
what happened to me
we were set to have fun
my youngest sister who is 45
came over Saturday night to spend time with me
slept over she had a long day at work EXCLUSIVELY
to draw blood from patient
but after a good night sleep
watched mass the next morning
and got ready to take the baby to see Santa
she understands the story about the birth of baby Jesus
and IS IN AWE to be the next generation
to bake his birthday cake
i was a downer
stubborn walked way to much
eventually had to get a wheelchair
how embarrassing to be a pathetic person with the gifts around me as my sister waited on line with Eva for almost two hours
what possessed me to walk as i did
taking my second set of meds may have given me an extra
wind in my step
point
when making it to Santa after shopping for Corissa
i was miserable got to see her sit on Santa's lap
and speak to him about a couple of dolls
she was Joy to watch
i was a miserable
and i couldn't stand it
sitting
while people just walked on past me
i hated myself
i rarely use such a strong statement
to have been such a sour piece of candy
i didn't like me and how i was feeling
trying hard not to show my family
my sadness
failing
me

the sadness wrapped tight around
my body

the sadness has me thinking of terrible things
in my past

the sadness robs me of the joy i should be feeling

the sadness is a creature that is so cunning

the sadness brings me to my knees

i have no will to move forward

my sadness has a hold on me

this is not who i am

i don't know or welcome it

but it made it through in this house

i hate who i have become

just hate it

forget the past! All it does is rob you of today. Leave it. You cannot change it so it. Is pointless to dwell on it.

dear Barbo,
of course you nail it
i fail to mention
that these terrible things from the past still lives
my thirty year old who started here road to devastation
having lost the rights to her child
who is a PCP addict
a father who does absolutely zero
as we speak she is in the hospital
spoke with her social worker
she was in a terrible way
four point restraint
she was combative
i cannot imagine
where is the relief
it is i her mother who gets the phone calls

my sixteen year old in a program
a place where she is evaluated finally by a shrink
he prescribed lexapro
a drug that took and put me in a suicidal way
and have not come out of it
i am frightened for her
i am smart enough to know what works for one
may not work for another
so reluctant about it
my past is my present state
my children ill in one way or another
me and my sisters
i am bound by my own self
vacuum sealed
trying to break through it
to have that phone call as i did
four days ago
your daughter is in the hospital
attempt suicide
i fail to explain for
it goes on and on and on
i have four children
16, 30, 31, 33 and my grandchild 3 1/2
if it isn't one it's another
and then there is
me
and it has my middle sister and nephew
he is a year almost to date is their birthday
this sister is in her own funk
a real bad one i may add
i mean it's all around me
and i'm the go to guy
estranged from the woman who birthed me
has been since 2003
is not doing well physically
the same condition that me and my sister suffer from
crappy skeletal make up
she had two knee replacement with many other problems
throughout her years
when she did a job she gave it her all
i will stop here
it could go on and on
however
you are absolutely on the money
now lets get my brain to knock it off
merry christmas
me

someone please explain
why is it i have a feeling of doom
it engulfs my entire
i feel it when it comes on
almost like a panic attack
so strong so strong
i hear from my shrink
your doing great eva
oh my i must feel better
i pushed myself to breaking point
real smart
no one will understand the pain this entire body
feels unless they too are going through it
my goodness
still in my forties still kicking butt
in every way
haven't had a mans touch in years now
just a hug
a lousy hug
yeah i'm lonely
to go through this alone
no help to get up out of bed
or out of a chair
or getting dressed
to wash my back
to put their hand on my back
in a tender way
to have my sweet spots kissed
with the softest touch
this i doubt will ever come to fruition
i vehemently dislike that my entire body hurts
to get ready to get out is more trouble then its worth
i hate how i feel
and i'm the only one who can do anything about it
me