And I was going to post a long reply to you Mark but decided not to. As Dr.Phil would say....."how's that working for you?"

There are so many courageous people on these forums who struggle with pain and disabilities and I am in awe of all of them.

Do you have a church Mark? Is Real Services in your community? People cannot help you if they don't know how you feel and what you need. Please reach out, maybe on your computer and see what's available. :grouphug:

Mark I'm actually kind of scared to reach out to you. But, having been to Captain Ahab Land myself, I know how hearing people appeal to religion, to God, to asking forgiveness can start sounding after a while.

I just want to say that beyond any of that - people are here to help. There is no judgement. And they're here for you. Add me as one more to the list. We're in this together dude.

Mark, Im so sorry to hear that dude. I know that words from others can never really drag you out of the spiral, it is you that has to do it, but I also know how difficult that is... There are a lot of good people here for you dude...

All of you thanks.

How I've managed to stay on this site so long with some of my insane rants and depressing raves is a miracle or we have the most patient, understanding moderators in the world

thank God we do because I NEED this board man. I need all of you guys who just responded and a dozen or even more other people. I hope to need it less and less one day. This board is almost like a hospital. You go in sick, usually come out better and then maybe visit that doctor that saved your life from time to time, or maybe you are chronic and the hospital takes care of you and you help the new patients

At some point it has to be forget the doctor. I can't go near him anyway because Detectives have made perfectly clear that I should not again. :(

But two suicide attempts, a bunch of psych ward stays, ER visits, hospital stays, collapsing in the street several times, chronic pain, tinnitus, loss of friends an family and CAREER!! because of that guy....my hate is building again!!! Someone PLEASE tell me how to let go of the hate for the man that might be the reason I get dementia one day.

Again, thanks guys.

All I can say mate, is dont let him take more from you... He has taken enough & if you let it eat at you, he will take more...

i concur and understand
life as i knew it was taken
job
my passion cooking
going to the bathroom
holding my head up
unable to stand and walk without aid
driving only when going to doctors
doomed how true
and not being able to shake "it"
is scary
as each morning i make that choice
not today
i'm needed
on so many levels
then my head to hold it up
as best i can
and do the best i can
when reminded everyday
what my doctor did to me
i wish for you
to have that feeling of doom be lifted
that there be one thing in your day that can put a smile on your face
that you be blessed by the touch of our Father
i come and find exactly what i need
a friend who feels like i do
be well
in Jesus name
amen

Eva, so you can relate, I see. I also have read your other burdens and I feel for you. For all the people that hit Thank You I appreciate it.
Was feeling good before but a PHONE conversation set off the nerve pain in spine and head lol. It's almost comical..be a lot more comical if it weren't me :)
My mother always says I wish I could take your pain and I say me too!!

Dark thoughts
 

Mark, I so wish I had a magic wand and could wave it to relieve you and all the others on this site who suffer unspeakable burdens. Life has dealt you a severe blow and I read of your struggles often. Doctors - there is little I can say that you don't already know, sadly too many of them live with a "god like" complex. They can do no wrong and they live in the belief that their wisdom is what will save you from yourself. Many of them accept no responsibility for the choices they make and will themselves happiness by telling themselves actions they took were with your permission and what they did was with the intent to help. I can understand your dark thoughts, I have been the victim many times of the medical fraternity and their "I can do no wrong" beliefs, for me, it would be more palatable if they would admit they are human and they have made a mistake, but no, that is not in their makeup. To admit mistakes is human and some of these doctors are just not human....
For anyone reading this, I don't have a downer on doctors, there are many who have been wonderful and I owe them my life on more than one occasion. Those doctors are few and far between, the oath they take to save and preserve life must be an overwhelming thought and so I suppose they can be forgiven for succumbing to their godlike complex. That doesn't help us though does it...
Mark, take your anger and shape it, use it to drive you forward and make a place for yourself in this new life of yours. It sucks I know and my heart breaks for all that you have lost, but please, don't do anything that will take you away from this life as hollow as it is, don't give him that victory. Take small small steps and find yourself a path to something new. Lament no more the life you have lost, use your anger and create a new one. It will by necessity be darkly different to what you had but that's ok. You have friends on this site from all ends of the world, we all have different upbringings and thoughts on how life should be, but we all also have one commonality, the desire to be heard and accepted for what we now are. I enjoy your company on this site, so please stay a while longer and continue to share your thoughts and wisdoms.:hug:

Wow, there are such great people on this board. Some of your stories I know, some I don't but I know everyone here has felt physical or emotional pain or both. I wish you didn't.

I already feel like a complainer with all of your heartfelt responses.

If all of you can keep going with the burdens you are carrying, then I can do no less.

I also can listen too. I guess we hold each other up.

Thats the beauty of this site. Being able to have a vent with understanding & without judgement, but also being able to listen to others & sometimes, hopefully, offer a word or two that helps...